It's been a long time since I last wrote. I realize that, and to be honest, there's so many random reasons why I won't even begin to explain them all. But I do feel like it's been a gradual stirring in my heart the past few months to put my words to paper again and share my heart. As most of my blog reader friends know by now, I don't do much "sugar coating". I've become pretty straight forward and to the point the past few years. I spent so many years being told what I could and couldn't say and do, I've taken a complete opposite turn and have become open and honest about my journey... all of it, the hallelujahs AND the hurts. I've realized so many people are aching inside, longing to be true to who they really are, yet live in fear of what others may say or think of them, and keep the walls high and the masks on. I can't live like that anymore. I spent well over half my life living like that, and it's a miserable place to be, living a lie, hiding behind a shell so nobody knows the real self deep inside. My journey of joys and pain are something I'm deeply convicted God has allowed in my life to bring His name glory. So although there's a part of me that wishes it never happened the way it's unfolded, there's another part of me that's so thankful God picked stubborn and strong-willed me to be a part of a story much bigger than myself.
So in candor and raw openness, I'll share a tiny bit of the big things in life the past few months... some of it I can't share (I'm bound by court orders on discussing openly the legal tornado that filled a large part of the past year), but instead I'll start with my monkeys (aka my 4 precious kiddos!). Kalia is turning 14 in just another week, and heads off to her first year of high school in just 3 weeks. YIKES! Yep... slightly terrifying, yet also amazing to see how God is changing my sweet yet strong willed child, and growing her into a beautiful woman of wisdom, independence, and strength. Kai is now 12, and just started 7th grade. He's still the little fighter he's always been, determined and full of courage, and incredibly brilliant. His disease is definitely rapidly progressing lately, and he uses a power chair at school now to try to help conserve his limited energy and stabilize his slowly deteriorating body. He's still as determined as ever so I am incredibly thankful for his spirit... even though he's got the typical pre-teen attitude mixed in now ;) Peyton is 10 now, officially into the double digit pre-teen years, and full of determination and sass, and wise well beyond her years. She's now in grade 5, and loving life at the top of her school. She's probably struggled the most of all 4 kiddos the past 4 years especially, wrestling thru the pain of the truth she knows of the hellacious divorce of her parents, yet not understanding how to fully process it as just a little innocent child who's world as she knew it flipped upside down. She loves fiercely and deeply, and has begun to heal from her wounds and is becoming a strong and independent little lady. Thayne is 7 now, and continues to be my rough and tumble, free spirited monkey, yet total mama's boy at heart. He's in grade 2, and in his world, school is a waste of time because he should just be able to play freely with his buddies! :) He loves to play hard and is a natural athlete, but when it comes to settling down for the day, he wants nothing more than to snuggle up under his mama's wings and know that he's safe and loved deeply.
Each of my monkeys has their struggles, but each also has incredible strengths, and I'm so thankful God picked me out of all the women in the world to be their mama!
So there's also been a whirlwind of change in life for me too! It's been a wild few months to say the least, yet it's also been one of the most incredible months of "seeing" God answer prayers for me in ways I never imagined possible. I'll start with school... as some of you may know by now, in January of 2016, I felt God tugging on my heart for me to pursue my childhood dream of becoming a nurse. Between Kai's special needs, medical issues with my 2 girls, and also my own struggles with an autoimmune disease of my own, I realized my incredible passion for the medical field and felt it was time to look into following a dream that I've had since I was a little girl. I took a huge leap of faith (or maybe fear!) and applied to the Duke Accelerated BS in Nursing program. I had researched programs at all the schools around me, and felt that was the program that best fit my passions as well as my desire to not go back to school for 4 additional years (already did that... no desire to do it again!). Being an accelerated program, the Duke ABSN program is crazy intense, completing a Bachelor of Science degree in nursing in 16 months, and also a phenomenal program (just recently ranked in the top 3 nursing schools in the nation!), and I fully admit I have fallen in love with the genuine care Duke has given to both Kai and I over the course of the past 8.5 years of treatment there. So I took the leap... and applied... and prayed. A lot. I got a lot of judgement of "how in the world will you do that with primary physical custody of 4 kids (they go to their dad's every other weekend only) and having to work multiple jobs to make ends meet", but honestly in my heart, I had an incredible peace that IF this was really what God wanted, then I would get in and God would make a way for all the other details to smooth out. And if this wasn't part of the plan, then that's ok too and I would figure out what's next. But for the kids and I, nursing school will provide us with SO much more opportunities in the future, as well as stability of just 1 job that was solid pay to provide for our growing needs. So once again God worked on teaching me patience... and after 6 months of waiting... I got an e-mail one Tuesday evening while I was at my kid's swim meet. I got in!!! TOTAL God thing, as they told us that they only accepted 6% of the applicants!! But for whatever reason, God allowed them to pick little ol' ME!!!! And God didn't stop there... I was awarded a $20k scholarship for my first year! I think I'm still on cloud nine :) So I've been taking pre-requisite courses again, just to refresh myself (Duke accepted all my prerequisites from school 18 years ago, but I was feeling a bit overwhelmed at the thought and figured I had best remind myself how to study again! lol). I took 3 classes during the summer intensives, and have 3 more to take this fall... then January 2017, my official Duke nursing courses begin, and by May 2018, I'll be a licensed RN!!!! EEK! I still have to pinch myself and re-read my acceptance letter every once in a while, and smile as I see God's hand in ALL of it! So do I know exactly how I'm going to manage it all with 4 kids full time, and still needing to make some income, and study and take 22 credit hours plus clinicals each semester, and pay for the rest of my school bills and living expenses??... no. But I'm confident God will help me figure all that out just as He's done this far... it's just a new form of an Ironman :)
And in the Hallelujah of the shared victories, I have to share I've also met an incredible man who's become a very important part of both my life as well as my kids. I don't share much about my "relationship" status, mainly because of the lies SO many (not all, I realize) couples hide behind as they post public BS about their relationships and how wonderful their other half is, when behind closed doors their relationship is barely surviving. I lived behind that lie for way too many years, and it now makes me want to vomit. I think the best relationships I see and know in other couples, is ones I don't see on social media constantly, yet I see in real life... a genuine and sacrificial love for each other. But just to squelch any rumors and answer any questions... I will share a tiny snapshot of my Scott. We met on Match.com... I was on there on a dare, and honestly not looking for anyone as I had become comfortable in my independence and was loving finding myself again after years of being broken down. He was on there and not really looking either, but decided to send me a message anyways (and we both crack up at his message now too, as he was really just trying to "weed me out" when he sent it! lol). We met for a first date at Panera, and if it tells you anything about myself, I had been thru a ringer of a day, and nearly canceled, but instead decided to throw on a t-shirt, jeans and ball cap, and go meet this man for a blind date. We spent 3 hours of incredible conversation over coffee and soup that night. It was conversations about life, and how much God had changed each of us from the brokenness of our past to where we were in the present. Those conversations have continued over the past 11 months, and I've had the privilege of pressing closer and closer into Jesus with a man who challenges me daily to live a life defined by my faith. His passion for Jesus flows out of him, and he loves both my kids and I in ways we've never experienced. Scott's been a tremendous blessing to me in more ways than words can ever describe, and been an incredible instrument in my kid's healing process as well. He's had his own hell, and his story isn't mine to share, but I know God's grace is real when I have a man like Scott in my life after my own hell of hurt, yet somehow this man can grasp the pain and walk the agony with me, with honor and empathy in a way I never dreamed possible, all the while challenging me to forgive over and over as the pain bubbles over with repeated abuse and manipulation, and my anger and hurt frequently resurface as the reality of betrayal and abuse never really disappears. I never in a million years would have dreamed that I'd pen these words about a man I met online, but I think God must giggle when He watches us worship together, after all the smart remarks I used to make about "never meeting anyone online ... never in a million years". So we don't know what the future holds or what will become of "us", but for now we'll take it a day at a time, as we press into Jesus together to take the next step, whatever the next step is (I stole that quote from Pastor Jimmy ;) ).
