Life Lessons of Change

It's amazing to me how much things can change in just the course of a day, week, month, and year.  I have spent a lot of hours recently thinking about how much has changed in my life this past year.  From little things like kids changing grades in school and my youngest little man starting kindergarten, to my separation/divorce and moving houses and starting life completely over.  It's been a year of incredible highs and lows.  I've learned what it means to BE a real friend, and to HAVE a real friend... one who loves you, who walks the valleys and mountain tops by your side, challenging you on the tough stuff (even when they don't agree or understand you!), and celebrating with you in the joys.  I've learned who my real and genuine friends really are, and are not.  I've realized how incredibly blessed I am, even in the middle of a bigger storm than I could have ever dreamed possible.  I've learned to look for the "God kisses" as I love to call them... little moments each day where God reminds me that HE still has me under His wing and can and will provide for my every need for both myself and my kids.  I've learned it's ok to be weak.  It's ok to cry, and it's ok to ask for help.  I've also learned that God gives strength where and when we need it, but that when I am weak, He does the muscle work for me.

In the past year, I completed 2 full Ironman events (140.6 miles.  That's a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and a 26.2 mile run), and countless other International/Olympic distance and Half Ironman races.  I thought I was strong.  After all, it's not every day people can go out and just do an Ironman.  I packed an entire house up into boxes and moved the whole thing (with the help of some incredible and precious friends!!) into my new home 5 days after my second Ironman.  I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet.  I did my best to raise 4 kids, one who has incredibly complex special needs.  I battled incredible flare ups of my own autoimmune disease (I have Systemic Lupus), and also got diagnosed with another (Hashimoto's Thyroiditis).  I thought I was strong.

I thought I was strong.  Key word ... thought.  See, what most people don't know is that I have a whole other side of me.  It's one I didn't even know existed within myself until God brought me to my rock bottom.  I've had lows in life before... but never like this.  A low so low that I could hardly breathe because the sobs came from so deep within.  One where I had nights I laid on my bed face down, crying out to God to make the pain end or make my life end, but that I couldn't take another minute of the ache deep inside my soul.  One where I was so broken I didn't know how to face each morning, and the one and only reason I got out of bed each day was because I had 4 kids who I knew were depending on me to get them up each morning, feed and out the door to school, and there again to greet them after school as they got off the bus with overflowing arms of homework and excitement of their day's adventures. I disconnected from the world.  No more Facebook.  No phone calls.  No laughter with friends.  I was broken beyond words.  My friends and family who stuck with me thru the valley sat with me while I cried ugly, snotty, snorting cries and said choice words that should have never come out of my mouth.  I was angry and broken and hurting more than I knew how to handle.  For the first time ever, I allowed myself to feel the incredible pain of abuse, broken trust, lies, betrayal, broken dreams, loss of "friends"... pain I never owned or faced but suddenly flattened me.  My walls got a crack and one day, one little event broke the dam.  I was forced to face years and years of incredible fears and pain that had been buried deep inside. (Thank God for an absolutely incredible counselor who's been walking this road with me for 4 years and can assure me I'm not crazy, but rather just feeling reality ... finally  :) !)

(Yes, sunglasses became a permanent part of my face to hide the red and swollen eyes!)

I had always defined myself as an honest girl.  A girl who says it like it is and is pretty wide open.  Rock bottom showed me a whole new "me".  I had been living a lie.  I had put on a lot of smiles on the outside.  Said a lot of lines that told everyone "I was fine".  Lies.  Behind closed doors, behind the walls, deep in my soul, life was a disaster.  I was depending on myself for my strength.  I didn't need God.... or so I thought.  But when the walls fell, and reality hit home, I realized how desperately I needed God.  I was a broken mess.  I have made a lot of mistakes in life, but one of the most painful ones has been thinking I could bury my pain and try to do it all on my own strength.  My strength comes from HIM alone.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Only Him.

You see, those who took the time to walk thru the ugly, know the story.  The real story.  Yes.  I did ask my husband of 14 years to leave.  No.  I did not do that because I wanted or had another man.  No.  I was not completely innocent.  A marriage takes two to make work, and two to fall apart. Yes.  I was a wife who needed a lot of help and a lot of work on myself to learn to love and respect as a wife should do.  Yes.  I failed at being a fantastic wife and mother over and over.  Yes.  I was abused.  Yes.  I had enough and couldn't face another day of the pain for both myself or my kids.  Yes.  I chose separation.  Yes.  Divorce will be final by the end of this year.  No.  This is not the dream I dreamed as a child that my family would look like... single mom of 4 walking thru a healing journey that looks like it does.  But Yes.  God is faithful.  He has not left my side nor will He ever.  He's got me.  He's got my 4 precious kids.  He can handle my anger.  He can handle my inappropriate words.  He can handle my tears and my fears, my faults and failures.  He can handle my stubbornness and my independence... and He can, and He will, give me JOY in this journey.  He gives me HOPE.  Every day.

(My babies and I... pretending I was going to go to Kona for Ironman World Championships!  hehe!)

 (Yes, I this is me and it's a permanent tattoo.  It has become my life verse.  No longer will I live in fear.  I will walk with my head high.  With strength and dignity and genuine JOY.... and yes, the back part is an Ironman tattoo that I designed after my first full Ironman!)

(THE best Ironman support crew a girl could ask for... my dad and mom, and my 4 precious kiddos!)

This is a song that I've held to these past few months... SO true... I my hope is that it gives you a smidgen of the hope it's given me ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD0cvWImVjA&feature=youtu.be

HE makes beauty from our broken pieces... from our ashes.  HE is making beautiful things from my journey of brokenness and I'm excited to see what HE has in store...