It's been a whirlwind of a past 4 years to say the least. Last time I wrote, I was preparing to start my BS in Nursing at Duke... today, I'm a Duke graduate and working as a licensed RN with an incredible job as a nurse in the Emergency Department at Duke University Hospital! Throughout that 16 month whirlwind of the accelerated nursing program at Duke, I also got engaged and married to "my Boaz", Scott! There's not enough time to write all the amazing ways God has provided my kids and I with the most caring, protective, righteous, believing, obedient, tenderhearted, provider to be both my teammate and husband, as well as THE most incredible dad to my 4 kiddos... but suffice to say that I'm beyond honored to be loved and love such an incredible man, and I consider it a privilege to share his name.
*Side note... girls, if you read nothing else please hear me on this, wait for God to show you the man you're meant to partner with and love and cherish for the rest of your life . HE always knows best... even when we don't understand or like HIS timing!
So backtracking a bit in the journey... for those new to my blog, I started this blog a long time ago to keep friends and family updated on my son, Brayden Kai (pictured above on the far right!). He was diagnosed as a young child with a very rare progressive neuromuscular disease called Ataxia with Oculomotor Apraxia Type 2 (AOA2). Writing along the journey helped me recognize and remember the many ways God has (and continues to!) provide along the way... thru the highs and the lows, my Papa God has continued to prove faithful. Unknown to me at the time I started writing, God would take me thru an incredibly long and painful VERY high conflict divorce, and also begin the challenging process of healing from the deep wounds of domestic abuse, betrayal, and facing an incredibly messed up legal system. (*please go back and read my post from 9/21/15 "From Ashes to Beauty") So for context, I will pick up where I left off a few years ago. Little did I know when I wrote that September post back in 2015, that just one week after writing, I would meet the man I now am honored to call my husband! We met on a blind "date" (really just a coffee meet and greet) at Panera Bread, on the very day my ex married one of my former closest "friends". I was broken and hurt beyond words because of the affair and betrayal of what I thought was a close "friendship", and only agreed to meet Scott because I felt like it would take my mind off my own heartache at least for a few hours that evening. We didn't start dating right away. In fact I'm not even sure we were truly attracted to one another on first meet. In his words he would later share with me, "either I was the craziest girl he'd ever met, or the strongest women he'd ever known. Time would tell." We spent several months just talking and hanging out to get to know each other. My kids knew nothing about him, as I was terrified to put them into yet another situation where they could get hurt. Our friendship grew, and finally several months later, I got the courage to introduce him to my kids. It was beautiful to watch the relationship between Scott and the kids blossom. He was a solid, stable and dependable man, who listened and loved well, and used words only when necessary. After 18 months of dating (about 12 months into my nursing program at Duke and 2 more court hearings in!), my Scott asked me to be his teammate and love for life! Over the next 5 months, Scott and I planned our DIY wedding (complete with an ice cream sundae bar and bounce houses and over 400 incredible friends and family from around the world celebrating with us.... I guess that's what happens when you marry a 44 yr old bachelor!), and I finished up my final semester of nursing school at Duke all while preparing my house in Raleigh to go on the market for sale right after our wedding. It was incredible to see how God put all the puzzle pieces together... shortly before Scott and I met, he had designed a custom home built just 6 miles from Duke. He had designed it as a single story home with full handicap accessibility (before he even knew I existed!). Remember how I mentioned Brayden Kai and his special needs... well God knew what story would unfold (duh!), and God's fingerprints were all over those plans! Scott's home was a perfect fit for the needs of my oldest boy. It was a whirlwind few months to say the least, but over and over, we saw God provide. My house in Raleigh sold in just 1 day for well over the asking price, so the day after the kids finished their current school year, we moved to Durham to begin our new chapter in our adventure of being a 6-pack.
Over the past 20 years especially in my life, I've learned that some of the greatest joys in life come thru some of the most painful journeys. I've heard it said "Joy isn't a lack of pain and suffering. It's how you go thru it." Our "new" marriage has been no exception. Scott jumped in with both feet, wholeheartedly into the deep end. Within just 2 weeks of being married, Scott walked into the courtroom with me for his first of many hearings by my side. I'd been there in the domestic court so many times since my divorce that I'd honestly lost count. This would be the first time with my husband and soulmate by my side. This time was because we had requested to change the kids to go to school where they now lived (I've had primary physical custody since the very beginning of our separation because of the awful abuse that my kids and I endured, and were able to survive to testify to). My ex, Kevin, refused to allow the children to go to school 5 minutes from our new home, stating he felt it would be better for them to continue to commute to/from their old schools (over 3 hours per day in the car commuting). The judge, who had been on our case since day 1, decided to appoint us to have a mandatory "Parent Coordinator" (PC). This individual's role is assigned to act as a neutral party who has a primary role to assist with negotiations as well as to mediate and settle any disputes between two biological parents, usually in a high conflict divorce. Given that job description, I was hopeful that our court hearings would finally be minimized, and some logical person would assist to intervene in what had quickly been defined as a parallel-parenting nightmare (there's no such thing as co-parenting with a narcissistic sociopath, which we had realized quickly that we were dealing with. With the help of some experts, we had found out untruths that I had no clue I had been deceived into believing ... things like "former army ranger", "hands were registered lethal weapons" and "former underground Hawaiian UFC fighter" being completely fabricated stories just to name a few. To think I lived nearly 14 years of a marriage, terrified to stand up for myself because some "army ranger with registered lethal weapons for hands" could kill me with his strength and skills... that he didn't even have?! Yep, it took some serious processing and counseling to forgive myself for being so manipulated and gullible to believe what turned out to be literally hundreds of false claims. We were ordered to meet with the newly assigned PC immediately, so that he could work to settle the dispute of school assignments for the children. In hindsight, I should have known from my gut feeling on that initial meeting that things were going to quickly go south. The PC spent the first 30 min of our meeting reading thru previous court orders from our multiple prior hearings. He then asked me a battery of questions, most of which I don't remember. I think I went into a state of shock after one of his initial questions. The one early question I clearly and vividly DO recall was one of his first questions after he finished flipping thru the previous orders. He looked me in the face and said "so tell me, why do you have primary physical custody?" I started trembling, and fought back tears (still battling some subconscious effects of my complex PTSD) and said "Kevin was abusive. Physically, verbally and emotionally. To both myself and my kids." The PC quickly jumped in before I could finish, and responded "do you have police documentation to prove that?" When I feebly said "no, I was too afraid to call them. He had weapons. And he said he would use them." The PC quickly answered in a curt voice "well if you don't have police evidence to prove it, then it didn't happen." And that would only be the beginning of a very long and unjust valley with the PC in control. We landed back in court over the school situation in August of that year. It was the PC and Kevin vs me. Amidst false statements and accusations thrown at me, the PC was called out while under oath for not only lying but also for violating client privacy laws and broadcasting about our case to parties completely unrelated to our case, stating "she [Heather] is going to recognize before this is over that she is not in control and I will have her punished." And thus set the tone for the next 2.5 years. The PC set out to team with Kevin to "have me punished". The judge refused to allow the PC to be removed. Scott and I did our best to provide a stable and safe home for the kids, showing them day in and day out that they were loved and cherished, not only by us, but also by the Creator God who made them. We did our best to protect them from the seemingly never-ending verbal and emotional abuse that they continued to face. We continued for the next 2 years, to drive them to/from school every day, 5 days a week, a minimum of 3 hours per day commuting (more if traffic was bad!). And we continued to fight for justice. We were in and out of court multiple times as the PC and Kevin repeatedly took us back in front of the judge for dozens of completely ridiculous things... things like taking my youngest son to the ER when he was sick but not calling Kevin for permission and to notify him first before driving down the road in the middle of the night, like signing my 2 boys up to play on a rec league soccer team, and signing my youngest son up to play on a rec league basketball team... yep, these are the crazy things we had to go defend.
There were many days where I would go for a run by myself, crying out to God with angry tears of "why God... why me... why does this continue? Why does evil appear to "win" over and over while my children continue to suffer at the hands and mouth of an abuser?" One morning during a run thru a gravel trail near our home, a quiet voice whispered to my spirit and literally stopped me in my tracks: "what the enemy intended for evil, I intend for good." I knew it was from the Bible, but had no clue where. So I turned around and ran home to look up where it was and what my Papa God was talking about. Little did I know that this verse would become the theme verse for our home the past 2.5 years. It's from the story in the Bible of Joseph, when he met with his brothers after they had betrayed him SO deeply and sold him into slavery. Genesis 50:20 "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive." Things only intensified even more when Kevin's second wife left him. We (Scott & I) frequented the courtroom every few months to defend our actions of taking care of our kids and doing our best to act in the best interest and well being of the kids. The icing on the cake came when the two forces of evil (PC and Kevin), joined together to take me to court because I put braces on my 13 year old daughter. In spite of Kevin being court ordered for over 5 years now, to pay for 100% of the kids medical expenses, we had joint legal custody so had to "come to an agreement" on whether or not she could get the braces, in spite of the 2 years worth of documentation by the orthodontist stating she needed braces. Kevin wouldn't agree to her needing the braces, so Scott and I opted to pay 100% out of our own pocket and have the braces put on her in order to prevent further dental issues and longer time spent in the braces if she were to wait any longer. She is a teenager, with typical teen self-image struggles, and we felt it was in her best interest to move forward rather than waiting another year or more. Little did we know that this would be the fuel the PC and Kevin would use to attempt to completely destroy us. In October, we found ourselves back in the courtroom. Again.
There's not enough time or words to even begin to describe what happened next. Suffice to say that if it weren't for God being the rock and center of our marriage, and God using the valleys to press us HARD into both leaning into each other, but more importantly, to lean into HIM (our Papa God), we would not have survived. If you've read this far, please be sure to read to the end! In that courtroom in October, I was found "guilty" of caring for the best interests and needs of my children and in doing so, violating the dictatorship of the PC and my ex. Kevin was given the option to absolve me, as I was told I was in contempt because I moved forward and payed for the braces and had them put on my daughter. He refused. And the PC requested that I be "punished" to the fullest. If you've ever heard the term "the good ol' boys system" when you hear about the legal system, I can tell you first hand it's true. The judge, prior to this PC, had ruled with the best interests of the kids at heart every time. Then it all shifted. 100% of the rulings went in favor of the duo of evil. And this time was no different. I was "sentenced" to do 120 hours of community service and 7 overnights in jail. All because I continued to act in the best interest of my children, just as I have done (and will continue to do with God's help!) for the past 17 years. Yes... if your jaw is on the floor and you're throwing curse words right about now, you're in good company. I did all of the above. I screamed, I cried, I ran until I couldn't take another step. "Seriously God? WTF? I'm being punished with the most unreasonable and ludicrous punishment because I took care of my kids?! And what about those laws that say the "punishment must fit the crime"? Why is this narcissistic sociopath able to fool SO many people with his lies and manipulation, and continue to abuse? And not only that, the judge had been made aware of the fact that this man who calls himself "father" to the kids he's trying to punish me for taking care of is the definition of a dead beat, not having paid a dime of child support for over 6 months? Do you even care God? Are you even there God?" Those are just a few of the questions that raged thru my head for the days that followed. God brought me flat on my face. And in that place, I had a choice. Am I going to walk away from the God I had previously claimed as my Lord and Savior? Or am I going to lean in to the faithful God who I had known and experienced first hand?
I chose to lean in. Scott and I chose to lean in. Together. To each other. And to HIM. We had a precious army of prayer warriors who banded together to hold our arms up when we were so weary. Friends, I'm telling you with tears on my cheeks that I've never felt the love of my Jesus so tenderly and tangibly as I did the next 2 months. Every. Single. Day. God showed up. I worked my full time job, then went to my community service job, and then thrown in there managed to knock out my jail days. Friends and family waged war on our behalf, hounding the gates of heaven on our behalf, loving on our heartbroken kids, dropping off meals, mailing us gift cards, having pizza delivered to our doorstep, showing up to work alongside of me at my community service "job"... seriously, no words could begin to describe the incredible joy we found in one of the deepest valleys of our life. On my first night in the jail, my heart broke for the girls I bunked with. It's one of the darkest and loneliest places I've ever been. But God used that dark spot to again whisper to my heart. And together with some incredible friends who are way more creative than I am, we found a contact in the jail who allowed us to collect and donate what ended up being OVER 350 Bibles and books of Hope into that dark and lonely place!!! And in that terrifying and lonely 2 months of insanity for our family, our children saw incredible truth. They saw first hand what true friendship and love looks like. They saw and experienced God provide for our family in mind blowing ways which would knock your socks right off (did I mention that during all of this nightmare of the valley, Scott was also without any clients in his business, and my ex had now gone nearly 8 full months without paying a dime of child support... BUT not once did we go hungry or cold or without a roof over our head?! Again... what the enemy intending for evil in Scott being unemployed, turned into a HUGE blessing as he was willing and able to be THE most incredible dad to our 4 very broken and hurting kids during a lot of time that I was away, and our kids experienced yet again how Papa God is faithful!). And much to our shock and joy, the kids pressed hard into our family, and into their perfect Heavenly Father. If 4+ hours per day of commuting in a car together for 2 solid years hadn't already grown the depths of our relationships to a level I never would have dreamed possible, I can 100% guarantee you that the past 2 months have only further cemented our 6-pack together!
The judge continued in his ruling though... the PC was to be immediately taken off our case (HALLELUJAH! And if you live locally and need the name of a family law attorney and PC to avoid at all costs, please message me privately!) and following the completion of my "sentence", I would have full legal custody of the children (I already have primary physical custody) so no more fights about sports and braces and doctors and schools!!!! So yes, you best believe I knocked out my entire "sentence" of punishment in just 2 months. And Scott was the hero and backbone, continuing to provide a stable and safe place for our kids to grieve, let out their anger, process, and still make it to all their outside commitments while I was literally "working" 7 days a week for nearly full 9 weeks. And it's over. The journey thru that valley is complete. We now have primary physical custody, full legal custody, and no more PC!
So my challenge continues... continue to lean in for the next challenge that's sure to come. And in the waiting... be still (SO hard for me!) and continue to be reminded of HIS faithfulness.
"In God's hands, intended evil becomes eventual good." ~Max Lucado
So this barely even scratches the surface of the past 3 years now, but for me, it's been healing to write. If we don't put words and a voice to evil and fight for justice, we ourselves become part of the evil. I firmly believe that. And I believe that in the valleys and storms that God allows, we can choose to lean in. Or choose to walk away. In leaning in, I've found JOY I never imagined I would know. I've found the most precious and treasured of friends. I've found a whole new level of parenting and love for my "Boaz" Scott that I have never known. And I've experienced my Jesus in a whole new and intimate way. So I'm thankful. And I'm challenged. And yes... to the MANY of you now who have asked and challenged me, I'm going to write my full story in a book... it'll just take some time. ;) 2020 is a new chapter with new beginnings that we're celebrating in advance. No story is ever wasted. And mine is no different.
