The past few weeks have been rough. REALLY rough. So rough I had found myself angry with God. Wondering why... Why Kai? Why me? Why this disease that has no definitive diagnostic test and then has no answers? What kind of loving God would allow this mess to happen to a family, any family, not just my family. I had watched Kai struggle, facing one of his "slumps"... see, his disease seems to go in waves of good and bad times. What I mean by that is that he seems to plateau for a bit, then everything seems to fall apart even worse with his balance, his coordination, his speech, his muscle control, etc. It stays bad for a few weeks, and then usually seems to come back up to a plateau ... not quite as good of a plateau as before the slump, but at least a bit better than at the bottom of the slump. Then the cycle repeats. This time, the slump seemed a lot worse. I don't know if stress plays a part, or if the disease is just taking more of a toll, or if I'm just more aware of it each time, but it's definitely been a tough slump. I want to try to respect Kai's privacy to an extent and not embarrass him at all, as I know one day he may look back and read his own story via my blog posts, so I won't go into detail on the events, but just understand it was a daily struggle in every way... physically, emotionally, spiritually, monetarily, etc ... it was rough. And to see my little guy so discouraged and frustrated with himself made it even worse. I was angry. Didn't God promise He wouldn't give me more than I could handle? Well, I'm pretty sure He got me mixed up with someone else because I'm pretty sure I'm over-maxed on my stress levels. I was hurt. Did God not see how bad this was hurting my little boy? Didn't He care?
I wrestled with this day in and day out, trying desperately to hold on to my head knowledge that HE really did care. That HE really did love both Kai and myself. But somehow, it felt like I couldn't get it. It was affecting my other kids BIG time too. Didn't God see that? If He could put the billions of stars in the sky every night and call them out each by name, why couldn't He just say the word and take away the pain from my little boy? Why not take it from my other 3 kids who were watching from the outside and hurting so bad in each of their own ways on the inside?
So Sunday night, as I sat alone at my computer checking e-mails after my kids finally crashed for the night, I opened a message from my dear Aunt. She's walked a tough road herself, and is facing a painfully tough time right now as well. She sent me a link to a message that she had listened to earlier that day, and had spoke profoundly to her soul, and she hoped it would encourage me as well. So since I haven't been sleeping at all lately, and was alone in the quiet and dark, I clicked the link on and figured I'd listen while I kept playing online. Little did I know that God had that podcast on there for me. If you're facing some tough stuff, I challenge you to listen... it's pretty awesome. It's by Eric Sandras, and he wrote the book called "When the Sky is Falling". If you want to listen, the link is http://www.themeetinghouse.com/teaching/archives/2013/when-the-sky-is-falling/
It was what I needed that night. I will share The Merton Prayer at the end of this post, but on the podcast, he closes with that prayer, and as I read and re-read it, I couldn't read it and believe it, but I found myself desperately wanting to believe it. Every word of it. Even the part that said "I will not fear..." And as I sat in the dark at my computer, I told God that I couldn't do this anymore. It was too tough for me to handle. I knew that He really did have ultimate control, so I really needed Him to do something. To show up. To just let me know He cared and that He still loved me. To let me know that somehow, in all of this mess and thru all of the storm, there was a purpose and a reason that I couldn't see.
Fast forward a bit until today. Wednesday. Well, let's backtrack a bit... to over a year ago. Our pediatrician, who I LOVE, and has walked this mystery road with all of my kids and I since the very beginning, had told me well over a year ago about this Holistic Specialist that she really felt I should see with Kai. See, for those of you who know me, you know that I'm ALL about some natural remedies, natural and healthy eating, and homeopathic treatments. Well, Dr. Haynes knows this about me too, and she said she just knew I would love this girl. That was a year ago. I resisted, and never called. In January, I had gone in for a consult with Dr. Haynes. This time, I was in tears. Having just gotten our "diagnosis" for Kai, I was a mess. I was trying to wrap my head around it all, and she was trying to help me in the best way she could, even though neither of us knew much of anything about the new diagnosis. Yet again, she recommended that I go to see "this girl". She continued by saying she could see my faith in all of this over the past 4 years, and she knew that without my faith in a God who had it under control, she was certain I couldn't have made it this far in our journey. She asked me to at least contact the holistic specialist to see what I thought. So I promised I would. And that afternoon, I e-mailed Laura Bowen to see what she had to say. She offered to see Kai as soon as she could fit him in. And she told me she only charged $80 for the visit, which I should plan on lasting 2 hours. Something in me said to go ahead and set the appointment, so I did. After all, most of Kai's doctors charge $400+ PER hour, not to mention whatever they charge for any tests they run... so for $80 for 2 hrs?! That seemed too good to be true.
So back to today... (sorry, I'm all over the map!)... today was my appointment with Laura Bowen. She's a certified Holistic Specialist. And although I'm all into holistic treatments, I'm also all for doctor's that have medications and information that uses modern medicine as well, and I feel that there's a time and place for everything, and given Kai's struggles for SOOO many years, I have to be honest, I was very skeptical going into our appointment today. She works out of her home, so we drove out to her house, about 30 minutes from our home. Kai and I walked in together. She immediately greeted us with a warm hello, and showed Kai some books of her kids that he could read while she gave me a few papers to fill out. They were really different than any other medical paperwork I've ever filled out. The first one was a disclaimer that I had to sign. It stated that she believed that we as humans were created by God as unique individuals, made as a whole, not evolved over time. God created us from dust, not just into parts, but into a whole person. WOW. I'm pretty sure my eyes were saucers before I even finished reading the rest of the Bible verses she had on that disclaimer. I've NEVER walked into an office and had a doctor offer a single verse from the Bible to me, not to mention her whole practice based on it! The second page was just Kai's basic contact info, and the final was any medications he's currently on as well as major concerns I was having with him. It only took about 5 minutes to fill out, and when I was finished, she gathered the papers from me, and then proceeded to give me a copy of her mission statement (which I wish I could type out fully for you as it's THAT amazing!). Then... we began.
Laura started sharing a bit about her practice, and then stopped herself and asked me if I minded if she pray over our session together. I was totally taken off guard! I mean really... how many times have you been to the doctor, and they ask you if they can pray over your appointment before you get started??! I think I mumbled a startled "yes", and she closed her eyes and began to pray. She prayed so beautifully. Just like she was starting back up a conversation with her friend. Then she paused and was silent, and then looked at me and said "Heather, I feel like God's laying on my heart some things He wants you to know if you don't mind me telling you?!" I think I mumbled another stunned "sure", and then it was silent again. She then continued to speak to me what she felt God was laying on her heart for me. She didn't know me from Adam. She knows nothing about me. She knows nothing of my struggle or my past few weeks especially of walking thru hell. She knew nothing. Yet the words she spoke to me that she felt God laying on her heart HAD to be nothing short of words from God for me. I wish I could recite back to you all of those words. I wish I had hit "record" on my phone to keep hearing them over and over again today. But I can't remember a lot of them, only that I felt the tears begin to fall and found myself weeping there in the office of a woman I don't even know and had only met 15 minutes earlier. And I do remember she kept saying this in her words that God had given her... "I love you Heather. I have you in my hands. I've always had you in my hands, even before you were formed in your mother's womb. And I have Kai in my hands too. I love you. And right now, as the storms are raging and the winds are blowing, look up. I love you. I haven't let you go..." I wish so much I could remember the rest. It was for me. It was simple truths that I know in my head, but just struggle with in my heart sometimes. And today, I needed that reminder. When she finished praying, I felt like I could just pay her and leave :) but I didn't. We stayed... for another 3 full hours!
I won't bore you with all the details of the next 3 hours, as I've already rambled long enough, but she was incredible. She looked at Kai as a whole, from scratch, not just to treat his symptoms, but to discover the first causes of his physical issues. And in 3 hours, she was able to tell me more than any doctor in 4 years could tell me, and Kai didn't even have to have a single needle poke or blood draw! She is starting him on a VERY large amount of supplements, as well as having us start a VERY strict "diet" plan. I say the word "diet" loosely, because I hate that word as it's got such a negative connotation. It's going to be more of an eating plan to completely detox and flush his body so that we can rebuild and try to foster a healthy internal system where his central nervous system and organs and muscles can function properly together. Thankfully, he's a kid with an incredible attitude towards taking supplements, and doesn't complain a bit. Tonight, as he chugged down his first solution of Colloidal Silver, and then baking soda water, and then 4 other supplements that are his dinner routine, he made a face and then as my other 3 kids stood watching him (with looks of total disgust!), he finishes and cringes and then smiles and says "these are to make my muscles work better since I'm a lot more wiggly than you are!" Then he headed off to take his "therapeutic bath" in his special solution ... water, epsom salt, baking soda, and borax! Yep... sounds crazy I know, but it's a therapeutic detox, and incredible!
So... that's the nutshell. I will be ordering the 18 other supplements that he is going to be taking tonight, and those will be in within the week, and then we will begin our new routine of these new "things". Do I think it'll cure Kai? No. Maybe I have a lack of faith in that, but I can't honestly say I think it'll cure him. But I DO think it will help. And I'm willing to do ANYTHING to help him. And to me, it makes sense to stop looking at just the individual parts of Kai's symptoms, and to start looking at the whole of his body and the causes behind his physical struggles rather than just addressing the symptoms. So we'll see... call me crazy, but today, I'm finding peace in the middle of the crashing waves. HE's got this. And HE's never let me go.
The Merton Prayer
MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
• Thomas Merton, “Thoughts in Solitude”
*For those wanting Laura Bowen's info (just tell her I sent you!):
Christian Holistic Care, LLC., 919-280-8437, christianholisticcare@gmail.com
SO glad! Awesome news, and connection, and may it make a big difference in him.
ReplyDelete