One year and counting

I sit here staring at a blank screen, not sure how or where to even begin putting into words the past year.  Honestly, some parts of the past year seem like they've been the longest and most difficult and painful times of my life, and other parts flew by at wharp speed.  There's all sorts of lists I've read stating life's major stressors, and I'm pretty sure in just one year, every one of those major stressors happened... and then some!
I've spent a good deal of the past few nights lying in bed going thru the past year... ok, maybe even longer than just a year... and wondering how I ever got to where I am today.  You see, almost 15 years ago (next month), I got married.  Life wasn't easy, as marriage never is, and adding 9 moves within 3 states, 7 different jobs, and 4 kids, one with serious extra special needs, to the mix... life was anything but easy. I don't say that to complain.  It's just reality.  I was frustrated and insecure with the constant changes of homes and jobs, and longed for some stability and a place to call home and settle into.  I cared a lot about image... I wanted nothing more than for people to see my marriage and home as something fantastic.  In doing so, I lived a lie.  I never dared to own that behind the 4 walls of our home, life was crashing down and was a living nightmare full of hostility and anger, abuse and rage, insecurity and desperation.  Asking for help would require humility.  We needed help and I was too proud and fearful to ask for it.

God has a way of bringing us to a place of desperation I believe... His timing and plan is always right, even when it makes no sense to me.  I have to remind myself that a lot.  Some days are easier than others to believe that.  Rewinding to the earlier paragraph... we did seek help.  We did counseling together for a while, and we did individual counseling as well.  I have no shame in owning that I still do have a regular counselor.  Some wounds make lifelong scars though.  Painful scars that change us.  I was changed.  The abuse I had walked thru for years upon years had changed me.

So one year ago today I asked him to leave.  I couldn't face another day of it.  My kids were watching a home and a marriage that was full of anger, lacking respect and love, and was like walking on eggshells to get thru each day.  Judge what you may, but I made the choice I felt I had to for both myself and my kids.  I had given it every last measure of effort I could to salvage our family and keep it together, and I had turned it over to God because I could do no more.
So the year began with incredible changes... I got a Monday - Friday job to be able to make ends meet and started coaching independent triathlete clients on the side for extra grocery money, I prepared the house to put on the market and sell, my sweet Kai's Make-A-Wish trip was granted and we spent a week in Hawaii watching my boy fill his precious dream to surf, I completed a full Ironman (that I totally did not train for but completed on the prayers of some precious friends and family, and spent the entire time letting go of baggage holding me down!), I sold the house we had lived in for 5 years with the help of a precious Realtor friend, packed and moved the entire house with the help of some incredible teams of friends, and moved into my first very own home that I purchased with the help of another great friend... sheesh.  I'm tired just typing it all :)  It's been a whirlwind year.  And not to mention the incredible health challenges of both Kai and myself, my preteen reaching her height of "preteen attitude", countless doctors, counselors and therapists visits, and hours spent holding each child tight thru their tears and fears of the incredible changes at home.  I think Thanksgiving hit me the hardest.  I watched on Facebook as all my friends and family savored moments together with ones they loved the most.  I know I was being selfish.  I was jealous.  I fully admit it, and I sobbed.  I got to hold my precious 4 kiddos for a few hours that afternoon as we enjoyed a Thanksgiving feast with a few other close friends, and my heart wanted to burst with thanks for each one of my precious munchkins.  And in that same breath, my heart wanted to burst with pain for them spending their first holiday split between parents.  I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone.

I've learned a lot this past year.  I've recognized who my real friends are and are not.  I've learned what it feels like to be face down and broken.  I've learned I'm really not that strong, but that's ok because HE gives me the strength I need for the moment I need it.  I've learned that it's ok to mess up because God makes beauty from our messes.  I'm learning that I don't have to be the victim any more, because God has given me victory... freedom and a second chance on life... and this freedom I have today is what He's going to use to reach another hurting girl walking my journey.  I'm learning my identity isn't in any man or marriage.  My identity is defined by God.  And I'm slowly learning to let go ... let go of the pain and hurts and anger, and give it to God because He can handle it a lot better than I can.

So here's to a new year... new beginnings... putting the old behind and moving forward with new strength that comes from a very big God who can handle a very messy girl :)

Life Lessons of Change

It's amazing to me how much things can change in just the course of a day, week, month, and year.  I have spent a lot of hours recently thinking about how much has changed in my life this past year.  From little things like kids changing grades in school and my youngest little man starting kindergarten, to my separation/divorce and moving houses and starting life completely over.  It's been a year of incredible highs and lows.  I've learned what it means to BE a real friend, and to HAVE a real friend... one who loves you, who walks the valleys and mountain tops by your side, challenging you on the tough stuff (even when they don't agree or understand you!), and celebrating with you in the joys.  I've learned who my real and genuine friends really are, and are not.  I've realized how incredibly blessed I am, even in the middle of a bigger storm than I could have ever dreamed possible.  I've learned to look for the "God kisses" as I love to call them... little moments each day where God reminds me that HE still has me under His wing and can and will provide for my every need for both myself and my kids.  I've learned it's ok to be weak.  It's ok to cry, and it's ok to ask for help.  I've also learned that God gives strength where and when we need it, but that when I am weak, He does the muscle work for me.

In the past year, I completed 2 full Ironman events (140.6 miles.  That's a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and a 26.2 mile run), and countless other International/Olympic distance and Half Ironman races.  I thought I was strong.  After all, it's not every day people can go out and just do an Ironman.  I packed an entire house up into boxes and moved the whole thing (with the help of some incredible and precious friends!!) into my new home 5 days after my second Ironman.  I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet.  I did my best to raise 4 kids, one who has incredibly complex special needs.  I battled incredible flare ups of my own autoimmune disease (I have Systemic Lupus), and also got diagnosed with another (Hashimoto's Thyroiditis).  I thought I was strong.

I thought I was strong.  Key word ... thought.  See, what most people don't know is that I have a whole other side of me.  It's one I didn't even know existed within myself until God brought me to my rock bottom.  I've had lows in life before... but never like this.  A low so low that I could hardly breathe because the sobs came from so deep within.  One where I had nights I laid on my bed face down, crying out to God to make the pain end or make my life end, but that I couldn't take another minute of the ache deep inside my soul.  One where I was so broken I didn't know how to face each morning, and the one and only reason I got out of bed each day was because I had 4 kids who I knew were depending on me to get them up each morning, feed and out the door to school, and there again to greet them after school as they got off the bus with overflowing arms of homework and excitement of their day's adventures. I disconnected from the world.  No more Facebook.  No phone calls.  No laughter with friends.  I was broken beyond words.  My friends and family who stuck with me thru the valley sat with me while I cried ugly, snotty, snorting cries and said choice words that should have never come out of my mouth.  I was angry and broken and hurting more than I knew how to handle.  For the first time ever, I allowed myself to feel the incredible pain of abuse, broken trust, lies, betrayal, broken dreams, loss of "friends"... pain I never owned or faced but suddenly flattened me.  My walls got a crack and one day, one little event broke the dam.  I was forced to face years and years of incredible fears and pain that had been buried deep inside. (Thank God for an absolutely incredible counselor who's been walking this road with me for 4 years and can assure me I'm not crazy, but rather just feeling reality ... finally  :) !)

(Yes, sunglasses became a permanent part of my face to hide the red and swollen eyes!)

I had always defined myself as an honest girl.  A girl who says it like it is and is pretty wide open.  Rock bottom showed me a whole new "me".  I had been living a lie.  I had put on a lot of smiles on the outside.  Said a lot of lines that told everyone "I was fine".  Lies.  Behind closed doors, behind the walls, deep in my soul, life was a disaster.  I was depending on myself for my strength.  I didn't need God.... or so I thought.  But when the walls fell, and reality hit home, I realized how desperately I needed God.  I was a broken mess.  I have made a lot of mistakes in life, but one of the most painful ones has been thinking I could bury my pain and try to do it all on my own strength.  My strength comes from HIM alone.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Only Him.

You see, those who took the time to walk thru the ugly, know the story.  The real story.  Yes.  I did ask my husband of 14 years to leave.  No.  I did not do that because I wanted or had another man.  No.  I was not completely innocent.  A marriage takes two to make work, and two to fall apart. Yes.  I was a wife who needed a lot of help and a lot of work on myself to learn to love and respect as a wife should do.  Yes.  I failed at being a fantastic wife and mother over and over.  Yes.  I was abused.  Yes.  I had enough and couldn't face another day of the pain for both myself or my kids.  Yes.  I chose separation.  Yes.  Divorce will be final by the end of this year.  No.  This is not the dream I dreamed as a child that my family would look like... single mom of 4 walking thru a healing journey that looks like it does.  But Yes.  God is faithful.  He has not left my side nor will He ever.  He's got me.  He's got my 4 precious kids.  He can handle my anger.  He can handle my inappropriate words.  He can handle my tears and my fears, my faults and failures.  He can handle my stubbornness and my independence... and He can, and He will, give me JOY in this journey.  He gives me HOPE.  Every day.

(My babies and I... pretending I was going to go to Kona for Ironman World Championships!  hehe!)

 (Yes, I this is me and it's a permanent tattoo.  It has become my life verse.  No longer will I live in fear.  I will walk with my head high.  With strength and dignity and genuine JOY.... and yes, the back part is an Ironman tattoo that I designed after my first full Ironman!)

(THE best Ironman support crew a girl could ask for... my dad and mom, and my 4 precious kiddos!)

This is a song that I've held to these past few months... SO true... I my hope is that it gives you a smidgen of the hope it's given me ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD0cvWImVjA&feature=youtu.be

HE makes beauty from our broken pieces... from our ashes.  HE is making beautiful things from my journey of brokenness and I'm excited to see what HE has in store...

Growing up...

So we all know by know I stink at blogging on a regular basis :)  But I've decided that sometimes life just gets in the way and sometimes you just have to roll with that and let it go... and pick up the keyboard to write when I have time and energy!  (a very rare thing might I add!  hehe!)

So in my writing world... I've introduced you to all my kids but one... my beautiful, creative, stubborn, strong-willed, oldest daughter, Kalia Brynn.  She's my amazing and challenging pre-teen who is so much like her mama that it's often scary... or as my mom would probably tell you... it's payback for the way I was as a pre-teen :)  Kalia turns 12 this summer.  It's hard to believe that 12 years ago my life changed in ways I could never imagine or even begin to dream possible.  I never knew what it meant to love, I mean truly deeply love so bad it hurt, until I had my precious first child.  Don't get me wrong... she was a ridiculously tough child.  My doctor at the time missed my due date by 8 weeks.  I was a "high risk" pregnancy due to my Systemic Lupus diagnosis, and my doctor insisted on inducing labor by 38 weeks if I hadn't already gone into labor on my own.  My doctor was also apparently poorly trained.  I had 3 level 2 ultrasounds, and a normal ultrasound weekly starting in my 3rd trimester... yet somehow she messed up my due date, by SIX full weeks.  She induced me at what she said was 38 weeks, only to have me in labor for 26 hours to deliver a tiny preemie baby... 32 weeks old.  Kalia took her first breath and shredded her lungs.  The rushed her to the NICU and I didn't even get to hold my precious firstborn in those first moments because they were trying to save her life.  I've always said God has big plans for my girl... bigger than I could ever dream.  Because that tiny preemie miraculously survived.  They scheduled surgery for the following day to go in and repair her lungs which were torn on both sides based on the images they took.  It was a long first night.  Terrifying actually.  My parents were there, crying and praying along side.  I remember the next morning the doctor came in, explained the surgery they would do, and said they were going to take final images so they would know exactly where they would need to repair her lungs so she could breathe on her own.  He left.  Then he came back what seemed like an eternity later, but probably was really only a few minutes.  They had taken new images, and the lungs were totally whole!  Healed!  Not a single tear on either lung!  The doctor was baffled.  Nothing short of God's hand on my sweet girl.  HE had, and has, bigger plans for her.  I hold on to that often...

Fast forward a bit :)  Kalia is my precious curly haired almost 12 yr old who's been thru incredible pain and joys in life.  She was actually born in Raleigh, NC, but shortly after her brother Kai was born, was uprooted to move to Columbus, OH for a few years.  In Ohio, she got to welcome her sister Peyton to the crew... and see how life changes with another girl in the house :)  She started school in Ohio, and made her friends and LOVED being with her cousins and grandparents there!  But life was pretty tough in other ways there in Ohio... so sweet Kalia was uprooted again and moved back to NC.  But she rolled with the punches as they say... and transitioned well by making great friends and thankfully being placed in an incredible school that challenged her and helped her grow.  (first day of school in NC below!)

For Kalia's sake... I won't go into detail, but I will give Kalia a load of credit where credit is due... she's a fighter.  She's an overcomer who is strong and determined and will one day have an incredible story to share.  She's watched her brother, Kai, go from being a "normal" brother, to being a brother with incredible "extra special" needs.  She's seen pain and felt pain like no child should ever have to bear.  The details are not mine to share... But most importantly you must know she's a fighter, and she lights up the room with her smile when she walks in.  Deep down inside, she has a heart of gold that would give anything just to have you love her for the incredible woman she is becoming.  She's an artist... takes after her Aunt Colleen (my amazing sister) actually, which makes me very proud :)  She loves music... and although she can't carry a tune to save her life, she melts my heart when she stands in the kitchen with me as we fix dinner and belts out songs with me or lifts her hands in praise as she worships the God who created and formed her precious inmost being... she makes me giggle if she's walking around listening to my iPod belting out songs completely off key but in her own little precious world :)  

She's growing up... way too fast.  She just started 7th grade this wk (fellow Northern friends... we do year-round schools down here in the south :) ) and I feel like it was yesterday I was tearfully dropping her off for her first day of Kindergarten.  Now she's becoming a beautiful young, independent, woman.... 

If you are a prayer warrior, prayers for my stunning and stubborn ( lol ) pre-teen would be appreciated.  She's walked a tough road, and is in an incredibly tough one right now as she's walking thru her parent's divorce.  She knows pain beyond what my words can tell you right now.  Yet she still smiles her beautiful smile, tosses her gorgeous curls (with attitude I might add!), and presses on.  She's a fighter... a survivor... a beautiful story in the making that one day, God will use in amazing ways :)

I'M BACK... !!!!

Hello friends!
No... I didn't forget about my blog, nor did life slow down :)  It's just been even crazier, and I've struggled to find words to write the past few months so rather than ramble on about stuff in life without really being real, I chose to take a little break.  Sometimes life throws you from one storm into the middle of an even bigger storm.  I'm learning over and over that God is never really done working on us...there's always lessons to learn, and for stubborn people like myself, sometimes it takes a hurricane in our lives to sweep the bottom right out from under us and bring us to our faces, realizing that God alone gives us the strength to face the painful blows life often throws our way.  Looking back, I realize a WHOLE lot has happened since I last wrote in August!  Wow!!!  It's amazing what all can happen in just a few short months!  I promised way back when I first started this blog that I would be real... raw and real and live life without blinders.  That's been a struggle for me lately, but I'm going to do my best with that tonight, and I'm also going to try to sum it up in a nutshell... and best of all... introduce you to #3 of my 4 kiddos!!!  :)
So back in August... I was training hard for my very first FULL Ironman race.  Yep... I'm a bit crazy, as we already knew, and always up for a challenge, so I decided I was going to train and race my first ever 140.6 ... that's 1.2 miles of swim in the ocean, 112 miles of cycling, and then top it off with 26.2 miles of running.  October 26, I did it!  As many of you know by now, 15 years ago, I was painfully ill.  So sick and in SO much pain, I couldn't even find the strength to stand without tears.  I spent over 2 years in and out of the hospital, on incredibly high doses of prednisone, and even 4 weeks on an IV drip of pain meds to try to get the inflammation in my body under control.  I was eventually diagnosed with Systemic Lupus, and told that there was a very high probability I would spend a good portion of the rest of my life in a wheelchair.  I was 21 then.  I tell you that to brag on God... because HE had different plans for me.  Completing an Ironman was ALL glory to Him... nothing short of His strength and perseverance that got me thru it!  I called it my "free therapy", and I used the long hours of training to pour out my heart to God... many tears of both joy and pain were left on the road and in the water during those hours and hours of training!  

November was as much of a recovery month as possible for me when dealing with 4 kids under the age of 11 and one who is "extra special" with his needs, as well as struggling thru some issues on the home front.  Over the past few years, I've realized how different reality can so often be from what appearance lends us to believe.  It shows true in SO many areas of life... friendships, jobs, even marriages.  An area in my life I've always kept private is my marriage.  Not necessarily because I've tried to hide stuff, but more for privacy sake, and also because I've learned some painful lessons in trust the past few years especially.  All that being said... my marriage may have appeared great on the outside, but behind closed doors, we struggled.  A lot.  We'd been thru years of counseling of all sorts, and tried to fight our way thru some pretty painful battles.  The details are not necessary, but I only say that to give you a peek into the past few months.  Kevin and I separated back in November of 2013.  The details are not necessary for public knowledge, but I would ask you to say some prayers for my kids especially as they come to mind, as they are walking in the middle of this hurricane too.  Back in the summer of last year, we found an incredible Christian Children's counselor, who has been walking this journey faithfully with the kids the past 8 months now, and is a blessing beyond words.  This is a painful paragraph to write... to let you in on the pain.  Honestly, it's probably the biggest reason I haven't blogged recently.  I've dealt with a lot of criticism and judgment.  A lot of betrayal by those who were once closest to me.  BUT I've also felt incredible love and compassion and grace by some incredible true friends and family... ones who have loved me and the kids right thru the eye of the storm.  So if you feel inclined to judge or send me your "words of  wisdom", I beg you to keep it to yourself.  Call me what you will, but I've dealt with painful words and actions for 6 months.  This is between God and myself.  Kevin's story is between himself and God.  The only thing I think we would both agree on is that we need your prayers for the kids, and for us individually.  Thank you in advance for respecting that.

So let's fast forward a bit to later in the winter ... a much more cheerful topic :)  As a few of you may remember, nearly 3 years ago, one of Kai's specialists nominated him for Make-A-Wish... and he was selected to get his wish granted!  Kai's big wish was to go learn to surf in Hawaii!!!!  Well... it took nearly 3 years to get the details of the trip organized, but late in February, I got a call that Kai's wish was being granted!!!  And it was going to be granted SOON... as in April/May!!  The calls continued... as did the specialists and appointments for Kai.  His condition has been progressively getting worse, so the biggest prayer of mine was that his strength would be strong enough to allow him the opportunity to really experience his wish to the the fullest.  Make-A-Wish went above and beyond what our wildest dreams could even imagine!  We flew out on a Wednesday... spent 4 days at the Sheraton Waikiki in the penthouse suite... and were treated like royalty!!!  I wish I could post all the pictures on here but words and pictures can't begin to describe the memories the kids made there!

Make-A-Wish organized for us to spend a day at The Polynesian Culture Center (complete with a tru luau at the end of the day!), another day with a private tour of Pearl Harbor and the Aviation Museum, a free day exploring the island (and getting Pineapple Ice Cream at the Dole Plantation of course!!), and then a day with private surf lessons for ALL of us!!!  100% expense paid trip... TOTALLY incredible!!!

So that's the past few months in a nutshell!!  YIKES!  It's sure an overflowing nutshell, but I know it's been a while so I had a lot to catch you up on I guess :)
I promised I'd introduce you to #3 of my 4 kiddos too, and that's been another part of the past 8 month's journey...
Peyton Ke'Aloha is our precious blonde haired, blue eyed little firecracker!  She's my 7 yr old (going on 21) little ball of energy that has one of the biggest and more tender and sensitive hearts of anyone I know, but she can also be the most stubborn and strong willed little pistol you ever met (I have no clue where she gets that?! ;) ).  Peyton is our only little munchkin born in Ohio... and in all honesty, if you gave her the choice, she'd probably choose to move back there!

Much unlike her older sister, Peyton is a tomboy in a dress :)  She LOVES to wear her most sassy dresses with her hair fixed just right... out to play soccer with the boys or climb trees and do somersaults!  We call her "Peanut"... she's the shortest of our kiddos (yes, even Thayne, our 5 yr old, is quickly catching up and passing her!) but she doesn't let size get in the way.  She does anything and everything she sets her mind to doing!  All she's known her whole life is Kai visiting doctors appointments and specialists and therapies, and it's given her an incredibly tender heart toward both Kai and other "extra special" kids.  She's incredibly caring and has a mothering instinct to care for both of her brothers in ways no other 7 yr old child would probably ever think to.  If you aren't careful, you'll allow her cuteness to allow her to get away with just about anything :)  

So how does she fit into the past 8 months... well, about a year ago, she had a random "fainting" spell where she suddenly collapsed and "went out" for just a moment, and then came back to herself pretty quickly but was very tired.  I called the pediatrician immediately... my first thought was that she just had a seizure.  The dr checked her out and we monitored her closely, but didn't notice any other spells, so slowly just let it go and forgot about it.  Well... then about 2 months ago, it happened again.  This time she fell flat on her face, went "out" and came back to having NO recollection of any of it but was so tired she couldn't even speak and fell right back to sleep into a VERY deep sleep.  This time the doctors were much more concerned.  Once... they let it go.  Twice, seizures were a big concern.  So... now another adventure in the hurricane begins.  I think I've heard there can often be multiple eyes in a storm... well, I'm quite sure that's true right now!  There's been many nights I've laid in bed asking God "Why me?!"... and to be honest, I still don't know the answer.  BUT I do know one thing... He's been constant and faithful thru every eye of the storm.  So last week, Peyton spent an afternoon having an EEG done.  

As you can tell... she loved it :)  (her biggest concern was that she was going to have messed up hair with sticky stuff in it from all the electrodes, and she was having to go to Kai's Make-A-Wish dinner right after her testing!  lol!)

But... praise report!!!  Doctors called on Friday to say the EEG came back totally normal!  So they will continue to do a few additional tests, but thankfully they have ruled out seizures.  The neurologist thinks she has a condition called "Hairbrush Syncope"... and yes, that's real!  CRAZY condition that she will grow out of by the time she hits puberty if that's what she has, but it causes random unexplainable passing out when kids are under stress or turn their head in just the right movement.  So we're hopeful it's that!  And being rare and random just means she fits right in with the rest of this wild and randomly rare bunch of kiddos :)

So the journey continues... and I promise to write again soon!  After all... I still have another child to introduce you to!  We can't forget Kalia Brynn... :)

Thank you in advance for your prayers... your love... encouragement... grace... and willingness to share this journey called life...