I've spent a good deal of the past few nights lying in bed going thru the past year... ok, maybe even longer than just a year... and wondering how I ever got to where I am today. You see, almost 15 years ago (next month), I got married. Life wasn't easy, as marriage never is, and adding 9 moves within 3 states, 7 different jobs, and 4 kids, one with serious extra special needs, to the mix... life was anything but easy. I don't say that to complain. It's just reality. I was frustrated and insecure with the constant changes of homes and jobs, and longed for some stability and a place to call home and settle into. I cared a lot about image... I wanted nothing more than for people to see my marriage and home as something fantastic. In doing so, I lived a lie. I never dared to own that behind the 4 walls of our home, life was crashing down and was a living nightmare full of hostility and anger, abuse and rage, insecurity and desperation. Asking for help would require humility. We needed help and I was too proud and fearful to ask for it.
God has a way of bringing us to a place of desperation I believe... His timing and plan is always right, even when it makes no sense to me. I have to remind myself that a lot. Some days are easier than others to believe that. Rewinding to the earlier paragraph... we did seek help. We did counseling together for a while, and we did individual counseling as well. I have no shame in owning that I still do have a regular counselor. Some wounds make lifelong scars though. Painful scars that change us. I was changed. The abuse I had walked thru for years upon years had changed me.
So one year ago today I asked him to leave. I couldn't face another day of it. My kids were watching a home and a marriage that was full of anger, lacking respect and love, and was like walking on eggshells to get thru each day. Judge what you may, but I made the choice I felt I had to for both myself and my kids. I had given it every last measure of effort I could to salvage our family and keep it together, and I had turned it over to God because I could do no more.
So the year began with incredible changes... I got a Monday - Friday job to be able to make ends meet and started coaching independent triathlete clients on the side for extra grocery money, I prepared the house to put on the market and sell, my sweet Kai's Make-A-Wish trip was granted and we spent a week in Hawaii watching my boy fill his precious dream to surf, I completed a full Ironman (that I totally did not train for but completed on the prayers of some precious friends and family, and spent the entire time letting go of baggage holding me down!), I sold the house we had lived in for 5 years with the help of a precious Realtor friend, packed and moved the entire house with the help of some incredible teams of friends, and moved into my first very own home that I purchased with the help of another great friend... sheesh. I'm tired just typing it all :) It's been a whirlwind year. And not to mention the incredible health challenges of both Kai and myself, my preteen reaching her height of "preteen attitude", countless doctors, counselors and therapists visits, and hours spent holding each child tight thru their tears and fears of the incredible changes at home. I think Thanksgiving hit me the hardest. I watched on Facebook as all my friends and family savored moments together with ones they loved the most. I know I was being selfish. I was jealous. I fully admit it, and I sobbed. I got to hold my precious 4 kiddos for a few hours that afternoon as we enjoyed a Thanksgiving feast with a few other close friends, and my heart wanted to burst with thanks for each one of my precious munchkins. And in that same breath, my heart wanted to burst with pain for them spending their first holiday split between parents. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone.
I've learned a lot this past year. I've recognized who my real friends are and are not. I've learned what it feels like to be face down and broken. I've learned I'm really not that strong, but that's ok because HE gives me the strength I need for the moment I need it. I've learned that it's ok to mess up because God makes beauty from our messes. I'm learning that I don't have to be the victim any more, because God has given me victory... freedom and a second chance on life... and this freedom I have today is what He's going to use to reach another hurting girl walking my journey. I'm learning my identity isn't in any man or marriage. My identity is defined by God. And I'm slowly learning to let go ... let go of the pain and hurts and anger, and give it to God because He can handle it a lot better than I can.
So here's to a new year... new beginnings... putting the old behind and moving forward with new strength that comes from a very big God who can handle a very messy girl :)
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