One year and counting

I sit here staring at a blank screen, not sure how or where to even begin putting into words the past year.  Honestly, some parts of the past year seem like they've been the longest and most difficult and painful times of my life, and other parts flew by at wharp speed.  There's all sorts of lists I've read stating life's major stressors, and I'm pretty sure in just one year, every one of those major stressors happened... and then some!
I've spent a good deal of the past few nights lying in bed going thru the past year... ok, maybe even longer than just a year... and wondering how I ever got to where I am today.  You see, almost 15 years ago (next month), I got married.  Life wasn't easy, as marriage never is, and adding 9 moves within 3 states, 7 different jobs, and 4 kids, one with serious extra special needs, to the mix... life was anything but easy. I don't say that to complain.  It's just reality.  I was frustrated and insecure with the constant changes of homes and jobs, and longed for some stability and a place to call home and settle into.  I cared a lot about image... I wanted nothing more than for people to see my marriage and home as something fantastic.  In doing so, I lived a lie.  I never dared to own that behind the 4 walls of our home, life was crashing down and was a living nightmare full of hostility and anger, abuse and rage, insecurity and desperation.  Asking for help would require humility.  We needed help and I was too proud and fearful to ask for it.

God has a way of bringing us to a place of desperation I believe... His timing and plan is always right, even when it makes no sense to me.  I have to remind myself that a lot.  Some days are easier than others to believe that.  Rewinding to the earlier paragraph... we did seek help.  We did counseling together for a while, and we did individual counseling as well.  I have no shame in owning that I still do have a regular counselor.  Some wounds make lifelong scars though.  Painful scars that change us.  I was changed.  The abuse I had walked thru for years upon years had changed me.

So one year ago today I asked him to leave.  I couldn't face another day of it.  My kids were watching a home and a marriage that was full of anger, lacking respect and love, and was like walking on eggshells to get thru each day.  Judge what you may, but I made the choice I felt I had to for both myself and my kids.  I had given it every last measure of effort I could to salvage our family and keep it together, and I had turned it over to God because I could do no more.
So the year began with incredible changes... I got a Monday - Friday job to be able to make ends meet and started coaching independent triathlete clients on the side for extra grocery money, I prepared the house to put on the market and sell, my sweet Kai's Make-A-Wish trip was granted and we spent a week in Hawaii watching my boy fill his precious dream to surf, I completed a full Ironman (that I totally did not train for but completed on the prayers of some precious friends and family, and spent the entire time letting go of baggage holding me down!), I sold the house we had lived in for 5 years with the help of a precious Realtor friend, packed and moved the entire house with the help of some incredible teams of friends, and moved into my first very own home that I purchased with the help of another great friend... sheesh.  I'm tired just typing it all :)  It's been a whirlwind year.  And not to mention the incredible health challenges of both Kai and myself, my preteen reaching her height of "preteen attitude", countless doctors, counselors and therapists visits, and hours spent holding each child tight thru their tears and fears of the incredible changes at home.  I think Thanksgiving hit me the hardest.  I watched on Facebook as all my friends and family savored moments together with ones they loved the most.  I know I was being selfish.  I was jealous.  I fully admit it, and I sobbed.  I got to hold my precious 4 kiddos for a few hours that afternoon as we enjoyed a Thanksgiving feast with a few other close friends, and my heart wanted to burst with thanks for each one of my precious munchkins.  And in that same breath, my heart wanted to burst with pain for them spending their first holiday split between parents.  I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone.

I've learned a lot this past year.  I've recognized who my real friends are and are not.  I've learned what it feels like to be face down and broken.  I've learned I'm really not that strong, but that's ok because HE gives me the strength I need for the moment I need it.  I've learned that it's ok to mess up because God makes beauty from our messes.  I'm learning that I don't have to be the victim any more, because God has given me victory... freedom and a second chance on life... and this freedom I have today is what He's going to use to reach another hurting girl walking my journey.  I'm learning my identity isn't in any man or marriage.  My identity is defined by God.  And I'm slowly learning to let go ... let go of the pain and hurts and anger, and give it to God because He can handle it a lot better than I can.

So here's to a new year... new beginnings... putting the old behind and moving forward with new strength that comes from a very big God who can handle a very messy girl :)

Life Lessons of Change

It's amazing to me how much things can change in just the course of a day, week, month, and year.  I have spent a lot of hours recently thinking about how much has changed in my life this past year.  From little things like kids changing grades in school and my youngest little man starting kindergarten, to my separation/divorce and moving houses and starting life completely over.  It's been a year of incredible highs and lows.  I've learned what it means to BE a real friend, and to HAVE a real friend... one who loves you, who walks the valleys and mountain tops by your side, challenging you on the tough stuff (even when they don't agree or understand you!), and celebrating with you in the joys.  I've learned who my real and genuine friends really are, and are not.  I've realized how incredibly blessed I am, even in the middle of a bigger storm than I could have ever dreamed possible.  I've learned to look for the "God kisses" as I love to call them... little moments each day where God reminds me that HE still has me under His wing and can and will provide for my every need for both myself and my kids.  I've learned it's ok to be weak.  It's ok to cry, and it's ok to ask for help.  I've also learned that God gives strength where and when we need it, but that when I am weak, He does the muscle work for me.

In the past year, I completed 2 full Ironman events (140.6 miles.  That's a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, and a 26.2 mile run), and countless other International/Olympic distance and Half Ironman races.  I thought I was strong.  After all, it's not every day people can go out and just do an Ironman.  I packed an entire house up into boxes and moved the whole thing (with the help of some incredible and precious friends!!) into my new home 5 days after my second Ironman.  I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet.  I did my best to raise 4 kids, one who has incredibly complex special needs.  I battled incredible flare ups of my own autoimmune disease (I have Systemic Lupus), and also got diagnosed with another (Hashimoto's Thyroiditis).  I thought I was strong.

I thought I was strong.  Key word ... thought.  See, what most people don't know is that I have a whole other side of me.  It's one I didn't even know existed within myself until God brought me to my rock bottom.  I've had lows in life before... but never like this.  A low so low that I could hardly breathe because the sobs came from so deep within.  One where I had nights I laid on my bed face down, crying out to God to make the pain end or make my life end, but that I couldn't take another minute of the ache deep inside my soul.  One where I was so broken I didn't know how to face each morning, and the one and only reason I got out of bed each day was because I had 4 kids who I knew were depending on me to get them up each morning, feed and out the door to school, and there again to greet them after school as they got off the bus with overflowing arms of homework and excitement of their day's adventures. I disconnected from the world.  No more Facebook.  No phone calls.  No laughter with friends.  I was broken beyond words.  My friends and family who stuck with me thru the valley sat with me while I cried ugly, snotty, snorting cries and said choice words that should have never come out of my mouth.  I was angry and broken and hurting more than I knew how to handle.  For the first time ever, I allowed myself to feel the incredible pain of abuse, broken trust, lies, betrayal, broken dreams, loss of "friends"... pain I never owned or faced but suddenly flattened me.  My walls got a crack and one day, one little event broke the dam.  I was forced to face years and years of incredible fears and pain that had been buried deep inside. (Thank God for an absolutely incredible counselor who's been walking this road with me for 4 years and can assure me I'm not crazy, but rather just feeling reality ... finally  :) !)

(Yes, sunglasses became a permanent part of my face to hide the red and swollen eyes!)

I had always defined myself as an honest girl.  A girl who says it like it is and is pretty wide open.  Rock bottom showed me a whole new "me".  I had been living a lie.  I had put on a lot of smiles on the outside.  Said a lot of lines that told everyone "I was fine".  Lies.  Behind closed doors, behind the walls, deep in my soul, life was a disaster.  I was depending on myself for my strength.  I didn't need God.... or so I thought.  But when the walls fell, and reality hit home, I realized how desperately I needed God.  I was a broken mess.  I have made a lot of mistakes in life, but one of the most painful ones has been thinking I could bury my pain and try to do it all on my own strength.  My strength comes from HIM alone.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  Only Him.

You see, those who took the time to walk thru the ugly, know the story.  The real story.  Yes.  I did ask my husband of 14 years to leave.  No.  I did not do that because I wanted or had another man.  No.  I was not completely innocent.  A marriage takes two to make work, and two to fall apart. Yes.  I was a wife who needed a lot of help and a lot of work on myself to learn to love and respect as a wife should do.  Yes.  I failed at being a fantastic wife and mother over and over.  Yes.  I was abused.  Yes.  I had enough and couldn't face another day of the pain for both myself or my kids.  Yes.  I chose separation.  Yes.  Divorce will be final by the end of this year.  No.  This is not the dream I dreamed as a child that my family would look like... single mom of 4 walking thru a healing journey that looks like it does.  But Yes.  God is faithful.  He has not left my side nor will He ever.  He's got me.  He's got my 4 precious kids.  He can handle my anger.  He can handle my inappropriate words.  He can handle my tears and my fears, my faults and failures.  He can handle my stubbornness and my independence... and He can, and He will, give me JOY in this journey.  He gives me HOPE.  Every day.

(My babies and I... pretending I was going to go to Kona for Ironman World Championships!  hehe!)

 (Yes, I this is me and it's a permanent tattoo.  It has become my life verse.  No longer will I live in fear.  I will walk with my head high.  With strength and dignity and genuine JOY.... and yes, the back part is an Ironman tattoo that I designed after my first full Ironman!)

(THE best Ironman support crew a girl could ask for... my dad and mom, and my 4 precious kiddos!)

This is a song that I've held to these past few months... SO true... I my hope is that it gives you a smidgen of the hope it's given me ...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD0cvWImVjA&feature=youtu.be

HE makes beauty from our broken pieces... from our ashes.  HE is making beautiful things from my journey of brokenness and I'm excited to see what HE has in store...