Birthdays and Ballrooms

April 26, 2015

WOW!  What a whirlwind of a past few weeks it's been... yet full of incredible blessings beyond words.  I'll back up to my post just a few weeks ago (yes I know, try not to go into shock that I'm writing two posts in such a short time frame!).  So as you know now, I've got primary physical custody of my 4 kiddos.  I won't lie, it was very unexpected, but God is in control and I'm totally and completely at peace with it, in spite of the overwhelming chaos it presents at times.  Just for a snapshot.... imagine getting 4 kids up and out the door to school before 8am every single morning, but before that even happens, 4 lunches have to get packed, school backpacks have to get checked and loaded, kids need to get dressed and ready, I have to get showered and ready for my work, and Kai needs to have his meds given and suit and braces (2 separate braces now!) all put on.  Never a dull moment in our morning to say the least... and I'm ever so thankful for my morning pot (yes I said POT) of coffee!  That's just the start of the day too :)  The rest of the day is filled with work (also often job #2 and 3 for me as well), homework, doctors, therapies, dinner making, sports practices, etc... and somewhere in there squeeze in a few showers for the kiddos so their teachers aren't scared away by their dirt ;)  BUT in all that, even in the overwhelming moments when I need a clone or two of myself, I look at my kids as they lie their heads on their pillows to rest and we say our prayers together, and my heart is overwhelmed with love and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I'll get up and do it all over again the next morning.  And when for the first time in over 1.5 years, my kids sleep thru the night for 10 days straight in their very own beds, my heart is at peace knowing God has my babies and loves their tender wounded hearts even more than I can ever imagine loving them as their own mama!

So rewind a few days now... April 21 marked a very special birthday of a very special little man.  My little fighter, Brayden Kai, turned 11!  I realize more and more daily how much of a blessed mama I am to be honored with the privilege of being picked out of all the mamas in the world to fight along side this little man.  His story is pretty well known by now, but words really can't describe the battle this little man of mine fights daily to do the little things you and I take for granted.  His struggles don't hold him back though.  He fights thru each of them...and overcomes.  He's an inspiration to me daily, and his determined spirit and sweet smile (mixed in with his little preteen attitude... I won't paint him as too much of an angel since his halo is a little tarnished!  lol), drive me to be a stronger and better mom to him daily, and to teach him daily to turn to Jesus for his source of ultimate strength even when he feels so weak.

So if you rewind just a few days before his birthday... you arrive at probably one of the most memorable honors I've ever had the privilege of being a part of.  Saturday April 18, Kai was honored at the Make A Wish gala in downtown Raleigh!  Words can't begin to describe what that evening felt like to walk the red carpet, be greeted by name by the most loving people, and enter a stunning ballroom decorated in the most thoughtful and beautiful ways, by a team who has a passion like none other for kids facing lifelong and often terminal life challenges.  The theme was "Around the World in 80 Wishes", and my son, Kai, was honored by being the featured bio sharing his story of struggle and triumph to a room filled with generous and loving people who had helped make my little man's dream to learn to surf become a reality.  I wish I could sum up the emotions that overwhelmed my heart that evening.  Make A Wish and their incredible partners had the most stunning evening imaginable planned.  From the incredible meal, to live band, to silent auction (that Kai got to be the honored bell ringer for!!), every detail had been planned with great love and care.  And in the midst of all of it, they showed the film they had made to share Kai's story.  (link is below!)  There wasn't a dry eye in the room, including mine.  See, for the first time ever, I took a step back out of my normal roll of "mama bear" taking my little man to every doctor and specialist and therapist under the sun, and I watched my story from the perspective of an outsider.  And it hit me.  Hard.  I don't even think it hit me as hard that night (as I was stunned and amazed!) as it did the second time I watched it thru with my kids later that weekend.  See for me, it's life.  It's the daily battle I fight with my Kai boy.  I don't know anything else, and neither do my kids.  But as I sat at that table, honored with the presence and support of my incredible dad and mom, and 2 of my incredible friends, and my 4 beautiful kids, I had to fight back the tears that overflowed down my cheeks.  My little man is the most courageous fighter I know.  Hands down he's an overcomer.  He's walked a hell road that only continues to become more challenging to do the most simple of daily tasks like eating and brushing his teeth, but yet he never quits.  He hardly ever complains.  He never gives up.  He fights.  And when they called me on to stage with my little fighter and the entire ballroom of hundreds of people stood to give my Kai a standing ovation, I had to struggle to catch my breath.  I felt as though I should step back because my little man deserved that standing ovation all on his own.  He's the one deserving the honor.  And after the dinner and film, as the band started playing and people started dancing, a sweet young girl came up to my boy and beamed as she said "I want you to know I have a disease that has bad balance struggles too, but I've always wanted to learn to surf and never thought I could because my balance was too poor.  But I watched you on that movie, and you did it!  And I already talked to my dad and now I'm going to try too!"  My little fighter is inspiring people of all walks!  THAT is a God thing... how a little 11 year old boy can change the world one precious person at a time!  I just love how God does that... and I'm just honored to walk along side of him and witness it first hand :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnNyk16xCX8

(the above link is the incredible video sharing Kai's story...)

So to Make A Wish... thank you.  From the bottom of my heart I can't thank you enough for recognizing my sweet boy in his struggles and for blessing us with the incredible gift of the trip to Hawaii for him to learn to surf.  And to Becca, thank you for loving my little man like he was your own brother and wrapping up my babies with love.  Jerry, thank you for all you've done for me and for my kids, for your patience and understanding and compassionate heart.
And to each of you who have loved and prayed... thank you.  Dad and Mom Rule, thank you for everything.  Words don't describe how much the sacrifices you made to be with me thru that incredibly emotional weekend, not to mention all the incredible love and prayers and support before hand to just get there.  Bob and Kerry, thank you for being you and for being there for me thru the thick and thin.  Teri and Eli, thank you for your love and support leading up to the evening, not to mention your help getting myself and my crew ready, and fixing my hair into a sassy yet classy up-do :)  Chrissy, thank you for loaning me all the fabulous sparkles and shoes to make my outfit just right!  And to the rest of my family and friends who prayed me thru that incredibly emotional evening, thank you!  I couldn't have made it without your prayers.
And to those of you who don't know me or my precious 4 fighters personally... especially my warrior Kai... what's your excuse?  NO EXCUSES ALLOWED!  Get up and do whatever that has been tugging on your heart... no more "maybe tomorrow"... you aren't promised tomorrow so get up and make a difference TODAY!  With faith... ANYTHING is possible!

Brokenness and Butterflies

April 15. 2015

So before you go any further in this post, pause and scroll down and read my entry from Jan.11, 2015.  I'll wait... you'll need to read that first to fully grasp this journey.... so I'll sip my coffee (ok in reality, it's after 10pm as I write this and more like my red wine) while I wait...

Ok, now that you are all caught up, I'll move on :)  So "surrender" has been my life lesson these past few months.  It's been an incredibly tough lesson for stubborn old me.  Learning to rest quietly, not defend myself, and let God take the reigns, is something I've never been good at.  But these past few weeks I've seen God prove Himself faithful over and over in the most amazing ways, and I've been reminded again and again how trusting Him and letting go is the key to true joy.  Back in January of this year, I can honestly say it was the first time in my life I can remember fully 110% opening up my hands and giving Him my nightmare situation of this ending marriage, my PTSD from the abuse I'd walked thru, my stubborn and broken soul, and my kids and all that was jumbled up in the brokenness of the journey they were walking thru... I opened my hands and my heart and gave it to God.  Ok, in reality it was probably more like I threw it at His feet, because just giving it sounds too gentle after the agony in my soul, but I let Him have it.  All of it.  And I walked into that courtroom in January with open hands and not a fight in me.  Just begging God from the depths of my soul to give me what was best for the sake of my kids.  I knew He knew my mama heart, and He would fight my battle for me... if I would just be still.
Fast forward to the past few weeks.  April rolled in, and we had still not heard any word from the judge as to a ruling from our case in January.  In all honesty, it had been an incredible roller coaster of a past few months, so I was just riding the wave... surfing the storm as they say.  At times feeling like I had been knocked off my board and was smashing my head against the bottom of the ocean floor, and at other times, I was standing strong catching some of the strongest waves of my life.  Then last week I got a call.  I was at my office working job #1 of 3, and quite honestly, completely exhausted without a scrap of fight left in me to face the day at hand.  What followed was a God kiss that blew my socks right off.  The orders were in.  Four full months after our initial hearing, we finally had a ruling.  The judge had given me primary physical custody of my 4 precious babies.  The ruling not only left me speechless (a rare thing for those who know me well!), but it flooded my eyes with tears.  You see, if you read my post from back in January, you remember how I walked in wanting to fight, but in the quiet wee hours of the night before court, God had whispered to my soul to just be still and let him fight the battle for me.  So I hadn't fought.  I had defended my kids, but had surrendered my fight and just given it to God.  And yet again... He had stretched my patience and made me wait 4 full months for a ruling.  But as always, He has a plan, and He is faithful.  He fights the battles for us.  And I'm learning slowly but surely, that His plan IS always perfect.  Maybe not always what we planned for ourselves, and not always what we envisioned, but if we are willing to let go and let Him have control, He shows up.  Big.
So in the waiting... I've seen Him prove faithful over and over again.  From hugs, emails, texts, and calls from friends and family far and near... to incredible generous gifts that gave me enough money to put food on the table for my kids and pay the bills... to stunning rainbows thru the sky in the middle of horrible thunderstorms... He's faithfully reminded me that He makes beautiful things from our darkest times.

So while in the waiting and learning, I did a lot of healing.  As those who know me know well, I love art, especially ink art... on the body :)  So I designed a tattoo to represent my letting go.  It's my symbol of HOPE.  Of new beginnings.  As you will see in the picture, the base of my two dandelion flowers form a cross,.. the foundation of my HOPE.  Because without Christ in this journey of healing, I don't know where I'd be (and not sure I even want to begin to imagine that!).  And the dandelion is only a weed, but in the wind and under pressure, it's seeds spread and bright and cheerful flowers (and yes I  know they are weeds, but they are pretty still!) grow.  :)  But also thru this storm of my life, I've claimed that God makes beauty from our ashes.  I've claimed it because if He doesn't, my journey has been a waste.  And I don't believe for a moment that the pain of this road has been a waste.  So the butterfly hangs out in a cocoon for a while, in a dark and confined space, not knowing what will become of itself and really just thinking that life is over.  But just at the exact moment when the time is right, that cocoon cracks and a stunning butterfly emerges.  So in my ink art, my dandelion seedlings transform into butterflies... because with HIS strength and healing... with brave wings... I fly...