Brokenness and Butterflies

April 15. 2015

So before you go any further in this post, pause and scroll down and read my entry from Jan.11, 2015.  I'll wait... you'll need to read that first to fully grasp this journey.... so I'll sip my coffee (ok in reality, it's after 10pm as I write this and more like my red wine) while I wait...

Ok, now that you are all caught up, I'll move on :)  So "surrender" has been my life lesson these past few months.  It's been an incredibly tough lesson for stubborn old me.  Learning to rest quietly, not defend myself, and let God take the reigns, is something I've never been good at.  But these past few weeks I've seen God prove Himself faithful over and over in the most amazing ways, and I've been reminded again and again how trusting Him and letting go is the key to true joy.  Back in January of this year, I can honestly say it was the first time in my life I can remember fully 110% opening up my hands and giving Him my nightmare situation of this ending marriage, my PTSD from the abuse I'd walked thru, my stubborn and broken soul, and my kids and all that was jumbled up in the brokenness of the journey they were walking thru... I opened my hands and my heart and gave it to God.  Ok, in reality it was probably more like I threw it at His feet, because just giving it sounds too gentle after the agony in my soul, but I let Him have it.  All of it.  And I walked into that courtroom in January with open hands and not a fight in me.  Just begging God from the depths of my soul to give me what was best for the sake of my kids.  I knew He knew my mama heart, and He would fight my battle for me... if I would just be still.
Fast forward to the past few weeks.  April rolled in, and we had still not heard any word from the judge as to a ruling from our case in January.  In all honesty, it had been an incredible roller coaster of a past few months, so I was just riding the wave... surfing the storm as they say.  At times feeling like I had been knocked off my board and was smashing my head against the bottom of the ocean floor, and at other times, I was standing strong catching some of the strongest waves of my life.  Then last week I got a call.  I was at my office working job #1 of 3, and quite honestly, completely exhausted without a scrap of fight left in me to face the day at hand.  What followed was a God kiss that blew my socks right off.  The orders were in.  Four full months after our initial hearing, we finally had a ruling.  The judge had given me primary physical custody of my 4 precious babies.  The ruling not only left me speechless (a rare thing for those who know me well!), but it flooded my eyes with tears.  You see, if you read my post from back in January, you remember how I walked in wanting to fight, but in the quiet wee hours of the night before court, God had whispered to my soul to just be still and let him fight the battle for me.  So I hadn't fought.  I had defended my kids, but had surrendered my fight and just given it to God.  And yet again... He had stretched my patience and made me wait 4 full months for a ruling.  But as always, He has a plan, and He is faithful.  He fights the battles for us.  And I'm learning slowly but surely, that His plan IS always perfect.  Maybe not always what we planned for ourselves, and not always what we envisioned, but if we are willing to let go and let Him have control, He shows up.  Big.
So in the waiting... I've seen Him prove faithful over and over again.  From hugs, emails, texts, and calls from friends and family far and near... to incredible generous gifts that gave me enough money to put food on the table for my kids and pay the bills... to stunning rainbows thru the sky in the middle of horrible thunderstorms... He's faithfully reminded me that He makes beautiful things from our darkest times.

So while in the waiting and learning, I did a lot of healing.  As those who know me know well, I love art, especially ink art... on the body :)  So I designed a tattoo to represent my letting go.  It's my symbol of HOPE.  Of new beginnings.  As you will see in the picture, the base of my two dandelion flowers form a cross,.. the foundation of my HOPE.  Because without Christ in this journey of healing, I don't know where I'd be (and not sure I even want to begin to imagine that!).  And the dandelion is only a weed, but in the wind and under pressure, it's seeds spread and bright and cheerful flowers (and yes I  know they are weeds, but they are pretty still!) grow.  :)  But also thru this storm of my life, I've claimed that God makes beauty from our ashes.  I've claimed it because if He doesn't, my journey has been a waste.  And I don't believe for a moment that the pain of this road has been a waste.  So the butterfly hangs out in a cocoon for a while, in a dark and confined space, not knowing what will become of itself and really just thinking that life is over.  But just at the exact moment when the time is right, that cocoon cracks and a stunning butterfly emerges.  So in my ink art, my dandelion seedlings transform into butterflies... because with HIS strength and healing... with brave wings... I fly...