Lessons Learned

August 30, 2015

Yes... shocker I know that I'm posting 2 whole blog entries in less than a month, but I feel like this one has been burning in my heart for a while now, and when my oldest daughter became a teenager just a few weeks ago, I think the thoughts started to overflow.  So this post is more of a brain dump that I hope and pray one day both of my girls read and take to heart.  It's wisdom from their mom, who's learned most of life's lessons the hard way because as those of you who know me already know... I tend to be stubborn and hard headed at times and most things for me have to be learned by doing and making mistakes and learning from them.

So I've been a single mom for nearly 3 years now.  As I write that, I look back and the time has gone by incredibly fast at times and also painfully slow at times.  I never wanted to be a single mom.  I never wanted to even have the "D" word spoken in my home.  But as I've said over and over... the past cannot be changed.  It's amazing how much people immediately come to conclusions and judgments about you when they hear you're divorced, not to mention if they hear you have 4 kids and one with some extra special needs.  Most guys run the other way.  I've decided that's because they aren't strong enough to face it without even taking the time to get to know me.  And that's ok.  See if they, or anyone for that matter, really take the time to sit back and see, every child has special needs.  Every child needs something special that only genuine love and affirmation will fill.  It's just that some have what I call "extra special needs" and need a few extra hours of your time for doctors and therapists.  I guess that leads me in to my lessons learned the hard way.  I hope and pray my girls don't have to learn them the way I've learned them, but instead will take to heart the words of their mama... and for the other single girls reading this, I pray a few nuggets stick with you too.

Discover who YOU really are.  What do you love?  What inspires you?  What makes you smile?  Never be ashamed of that uniqueness.  Don't conform.  That's the way God created you to be and it's what makes you special.  You don't need another person to affirm that or make you who you are.  Stand tall and confident that God created only one of you.  I spent years of my life trying to make myself into who I thought my friends wanted me to be, and who I thought a certain man wanted me to be.  In doing that, I lost myself.  I was an insecure woman wandering around trying to make everyone else happy, yet inside I was dying.  These past 3 years I've done a lot of re-discovering.  Everything from what I truly valued in friendships, to being satisfied with my looks, to my favorite types of music... the list goes on and on.  I've found a "me" that I had lost, and I'm still discovering parts of me that were buried, and each discovery makes me smile!  So be YOU.  Unashamedly YOU.

Listen to your friends and family.  So much of our life gets wrapped up in our feelings, and we have blinders on to reality of what road we're really walking in our life.  The ones who know and love you may call you on the carpet on some pretty tough stuff, but don't shut them out.  They see what we often don't see when we're walking in our own tunnel.  Many of them have already experienced the road we're walking and have learned lessons the hard way and are trying to prevent you from walking the painful road they've walked.  So listen to them.  Sit and think on their words before you react or defend yourself.  They're often right.  (ok if I'm honest, the majority of the time they're right!)  And speaking of friends... choose them wisely.  Don't just pick friends who agree with everything you say and do.  Pick friends who seek Jesus with all that they are.  Those are the ones who will walk the tough stuff with you and help steer you in the right direction.  They are the ones who aren't afraid to confront you on your choices and hold you accountable to making changes.  Your friends are your family that you get to choose.  So choose wisely and trust carefully.

Never pursue a man.  Let him pursue you.  I'm not dumb.  I know the day and age we live in and all this feminine rights stuff.  But if you have to chase a man, you'll spend the rest of your life chasing him trying to convince him you're worth it.  If he doesn't see your worth, he's not worth having you!  That's his loss!  I've learned this the very hard way, and my close friends will tell you I've learned my lesson.  Know that you are a beautiful and unique soul.  There's only one in the world of you.  And whoever (if there is one?!) that right man is... be patient.  God'll bring him to you when the both of you are ready.  Let him pursue you and ask you on dates.  Real dates where he picks you up and plans something special with you in mind.  If he's worth it, he'll want more than just to take you home to his bed.  He'll want to get to know you for who you are and he'll make the effort.  He won't be intimidated by your strengths.  Rather your strengths will inspire him!

Forgive.  Even when they don't apologize and don't deserve your forgiveness.  Forgive.  Learn to let it go and know that God'll handle them.  Your bitterness and holding a grudge doesn't do anything to hurt anyone except yourself.  Forgiving doesn't mean what they did was ok.  It just means you aren't letting their actions or words destroy you.  You're giving it to God and letting Him handle it.  After all, He does a much better job at handling it than we do anyways :)  Then pray for that person.  Trust me.  That's one of the hardest things you'll ever do.  But I promise it helps.  It makes you continue to let go and give it to God.

Last, pursue Jesus.  Never be ashamed of your faith.  Others may think you're crazy, but when life gets so hard you just don't know how you can take another moment, He'll be your strength.  He is faithful.  He never fails.  He provides.  He's got your back.  Hold on tight to His promises when the going gets tough.  He'll get you thru the storm so you can see the rainbow on the other side!

The Road of Life

At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge,
keeping track of the things I did wrong,
so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president.I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know Him.

But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ
was in the back helping me pedal.

I don't know just when it was that He suggested we change places,
but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable . . .
It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts,up mountains,
and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!"

I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?"He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life
and entered into the adventure. And when I'd say, "I'm scared,"He'd lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed,
gifts of healing, acceptance and joy.
They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord's and mine.

And we were off again.
He said, "Give the gifts away; they're extra baggage, too much weight."So I did,
to the people we met,
and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him,
at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.

And when I'm sure I just can't do anymore,
He just smiles and says . . . "Pedal."

~Tim Hansel
Holy Sweat

Heartache and Healing

August 14, 2015

As I sit thinking and writing, the view I gaze on is my taste of heaven on earth... sun twinkling off the still and glassy waters of the Muskoka lakes as a Loon calls in the backround.  A soft breeze blows thru the screen door and the smell of the previous night rain mixes with my morning coffee smell to wake me up to my final full day in my paradise.  I'm winding down a week of much needed healing and rest with my 4 precious kiddos and my incredible parents, who have given of themselves selflessly the past week to love on my kids and with amazing patience and love, continue to point them to Jesus thru every moment of our days here.  It's been the simple things... no flashy purchases or shopping adventures.  Just enjoying God's creation.  Walks along the hilly and winding dirt roads to gather wildflowers for our kitchen bouquet each morning, canoe and kayak trips along the shoreline to see the handiwork of The Creator in every rock and boulder and tree lining the lake, the blanket of millions upon millions of stars that seems so low you could reach out and touch them... the list goes on and on. I knew my body was worn out and needing rest before the week began, but I didn't realize just how desperately I needed it until my mind finally unwound enough to process.

Have you ever had someone give you something with good intent, but you just weren't ready to receive their words or gift at that moment?  The time just wasn't right?  You knew they were right but your heart and soul just weren't ready.   It seems like that's been my story a lot lately.  I've walked a pretty ugly past few years.  If I'm fully honest, there were plenty of times I thought it would never end.  People with good intentions would tell me to just pray... give it to God... forgive... let it go.  And all that is good and true, but sometimes I wanted to just scream in their face that they had no clue the agony I was wrestling with deep down inside, and their words only made it worse because in the depths of my being I knew what they were saying was right, but I just couldn't do it.  There was so much buried pain that I didn't even know how or where to begin.  It was like the onion... layer upon layer as I would process would reveal more buried pain and heartache.  I had been "strong" (or at least I thought I was strong... putting on a good strong front) for so many years, the onion was gigantic.  It seems to never end as the layers came off.  Nearly 2 full years ago, my mom mailed me a book.  For those who know me well, you probably just giggled knowing full well I HATE reading so someone giving me a book is quite humorous in itself.  It's called "The Heartache No One Sees" by Sheila Walsh.  I remember trying to start to read just a page a day, and I couldn't do it.  It sat on my bedside table for well over a year and a half.  So in packing for my trip (which I packed for in all of 20 minutes for myself and 4 kids!  LOL!  Yep... I'm not your typical girl by any stretch!), I threw it in my bag thinking maybe, just maybe, I would read more than a page.  Little did I know what God knew... THIS was the perfect time for the book for me.  For a much deeper page of healing and freedom.  A whole new meaning to "letting go".  (Ps... for those of my friends who have walked a tough road... this book in AMAZING and I highly recommend it!)

So as I write, this is a reminder to myself more than anything.  See I carried on as "strong" for years upon years.  I was ashamed of my hurt and pain.  I was too proud to let on that deep inside there was battles raging.  The were wars behind closed doors of my home.  There was heartache upon heartache that I thought I should be strong enough to "fix" or "get thru", but the reality was much different.  I needed help.  Much more than I even knew just a few years ago.  I'm so thankful and humbled by the incredible Godly counselor I have, who's walked thru the onion layers with me for nearly 5 years now.  And I'm learning sometimes you need more than even just a counselor, and that's ok.  The fears and anxiety I faced were real.  Caused by things out of my control.  But real all the same.  And in order to be a healthy mom to my 4 precious kids, I needed help.  The more layers I peeled off, the more the pain of reality set in.  I struggled to "stay strong".  But as sleep got less and heartache became more uncovered, I realize that my view of "don't medicate a problem" was living in a fairy tale world.  I realized depression and anxiety was real.  PTSD was real.  And sometimes it's more than we can handle on our own, even with God's help.  So I got brave and got help.  It's been just under a year ago now, and I've been too ashamed to let others know.  But this week as I read the words of the book that was that gift so many months ago, I realized it was ok.  My giving in to taking a medication to help me overcome my PTSD anxiety and struggles was not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength.  Admitting when we need help, and getting the help we need, it not a failure.  It's owning that we can't do it on our own.

A few weeks ago, my sweet 9 year old asked me why God allows struggles to people who love Him. I told her that was a question I wrestled with as a grown woman too.  I had shared with her how God says that "...in this world we WILL have trouble..." and "When you pass thru the waters, I will be with you; and thru the rivers, they shall not overflow you.  When you walk thru the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." (Isaiah 43:2)  I loved how Sheila Walsh put it in her book... "Hold on to that promise when your feet are wet and the smell of smoke is in your hair.  Hold on to Christ, for He is holding on to you."  I can honestly say I've felt Him holding on to me more in the past year than I've felt in all my life.  It blows me away to see His daily God kisses to remind me that He's holding on to me!

And thru that healing comes a letting go... giving the pain and hurt to God and not taking it back.  It's a daily thing, sometimes even hourly, because for people like me who like to have things make sense, sometimes surrendering that pain doesn't seem to make sense because I want to see justice.  But holding on to it I've realized only takes me to places I don't want to be.  It keeps me in my own prison.  Sheila says it this way... "God can take the most evil act perpetrated on you and use it to prosper you in body, mind, soul, and spirit."  A few years ago, I would have argued that there's no way that's true.  But this week, I've realized in a whole new way the truth of those words.  If it weren't for the heartache of my past, I would never know the arms of my Jesus like I know them today.  I'd never really know the depths of my need for HIS strength and daily provision like I do now.  My kids never saw a mom that needed Jesus in her daily walk before.  But I pray that now that see that and know how much God meets us right where we are, and we can still worship in the storm.  I pray that somehow thru this storm, they can see a mom that's changed and still changing.  A mom that's learning to forgive and let go even when it doesn't make sense.  Because forgiving doesn't mean what happened to you was okay.... it just means you're simply being obedient.  It's the butterfly... it brings you out of the dark cocoon and allows you to fly free.

"It's never too late to be who you might have been!"