Wow... A new year. I think I'm still a little shocked it's already another year to be honest. SO much has happened in just a year's time. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was sitting with 2 of my dear friends at Durham Performing Arts Center for their Christmas Eve service, barely able to breathe as I was sobbing gut wrenching sobs. I had just been served divorce papers as I had walked out the door to meet my friends for church that evening (well 2014 actually... I keep forgetting it's not 2015 anymore!). The following week I had found out he had filed the papers wrong, so he had to go correct his errors and re-file, only to have them served to me on Valentines Day 2015. January of this past year we had a massive court hearing... only to have my patience worked on again as we didn't get a ruling on that hearing until the end of March! February, I was finally officially divorced with correct papers in hand. April was Kai's Make-A-Wish Gala... one of the most treasured memories of my year to date! May and June were a whirlwind, trying to help the kids finish up their school years strong, and me adding yet another job to my resume... coaching and managing at TriLife (a local triathlon store near my house). July started the kids to new schools with a bang... now 2 in middle school (grades 6 and 8), and 2 in elementary (grades 1 and 4). August I got to take my monkeys on our all time favorite annual trip... Ohio to see all the cousins, then on to Canada to Muskoka cottage country for a week in paradise with my parents! September was a tough month. (yep... honesty at it's finest from me). The x had announced a few weeks after our divorce was final that he was engaged to one of my former closest friends. September was their wedding. The brokenness of my sweet babies nearly crushed me. But again, were it not for their torn and raw hearts, I wouldn't have had the incredible chance to treasure hours upon hours of each of the 4 of them in my arms, drying their tears (along with mine... we should have bought stock in Kleenex Plus Lotion I'm pretty sure!) and reading His promises over and over about our Heavenly Father who promises to bottle our tears and forever and always be Faithful. If it weren't for those long and sleepless nights from March through into late October, I wouldn't have the incredible raw and honest relationship that I do now with my babies, so for that I'm eternally grateful! To see my children learn to cling to Jesus and seek Truth in their pain has been a painful yet priceless journey. You see, their Jesus, my Jesus... He's real. He's faithful. He's our Comforter. He's The best Father a broken child could ever dream of having. And my monkeys have learned to see Him as our Provider too. There were days we would pray together that God would somehow provide enough money to get food for that week... and He ALWAYS did! HE never failed! My kids saw their sweet innocent prayers answered as tangible "angels" as we call them, would out of the blue drop off a meal saying, put a card in the mail with $ to get us thru that month, or even arrive in person to hand me a grocery gift card or money they felt "God laid on their hearts to drop off", in the EXACT amount of a past due medical bill that they knew nothing about! I'm telling you... God showed up!!!! It was an incredible year of learning to trust all over again!! See when you've walked thru years upon years of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, you get really good at putting up walls. Giant walls. Made of cement, so that nobody can hurt you again. If you never trust and never love, it's easier to "be strong" that way. But you miss out. Man do I wish I could tell you how much you miss out on! And as those walls have been broken down (I would say brick by brick, but it's more like cinder block by cinder block because I'm pretty sure I just went ahead and built a fortress!), I've seen and felt love like I've never experienced in my adult life. I'm learning (no I haven't quite mastered) to trust. And it's freeing! It's beyond words... like this giant bar full of rusty, old, heavy, 45# weights, has been lifted off my back... and my body can dance again (no... you don't want to really see me dance! I have 2 left feet ... ;) but I love to dance anyways! ).
So today was a day of reflection for me. If I'm honest, it's been the past few weeks really, but especially today. See today would have been my 16th wedding anniversary. Let me stop you before you start pitying me and saying you're sorry... it's ok. I'm ok. Really! I'm actually AWESOME! I won't pretend (for those who know me well, you know I'm honest, to a fault. I say it like it is... without too much sugar coating!). It was a bittersweet day. With my close friends and family, it was sort of like that elephant in the room... 99% of them afraid to say a word about it so just said nothing instead. IF it had been a marriage with God at the center, it would have been a great day to celebrate. But that was far from the case. So instead of looking back today with regret, I've spent my "looking back" moments today thinking of how thankful I am that even though there were years upon years of hell I walked thru, there were also moments I'm incredibly thankful for. If it weren't for those years, I wouldn't have my 4 incredible kiddos (aka my monkeys) who are my joy and strength (and challenge!) daily. If it wasn't for the pain I walked thru, I would have never discovered who God really made me to be, complete with my intense passions and strength I never knew I had that could only come from God. If it weren't for those years, I would have never learned to say sorry, to own my faults and failures, and to forgive like I never thought was possible (I'm still daily learning the forgiveness part). I would have never really known the genuine love (and tough love at times too!) of friends and family who loved me enough to speak truth, challenge me, dry my weary and teary eyes, and cover me in prayers when my feeble groans couldn't begin to put into words the deep brokenness of my soul. And if it weren't for those painful and sometimes terrifying and deeply lonely years, I would have never truly seen and felt the love of my Heavenly Groom like I've been able to experience. Honestly, I wouldn't trade the nightmare for the peace I've found on the other side of the cocoon. God's given me these incredible wings to fly this past year!
So all this rambling and reflections to say... my precious friends who are struggling, hang on. Hang on tight to Jesus. He's a big God and He can handle your anger, your hurt, your pain of betrayal, your brokenness, your shame. Trust me... He can handle your words too. There have been days upon days I've ran or cycled, sobbing, cussing, asking God "why". But He can handle it. I've been reading in Job recently, and have been challenged by his words... how can we possibly accept good from God but then think life's unfair if we face pain? This jacked up world is full of sinners with a human nature. God didn't promise no pain. In fact He says we WILL have pain. BUT in that pain... He's still there. He's still God. And He's got a plan far bigger and WAY more incredible than we could ever imagine. Shoot, it's God after all! If He can breathe a world full of color, creativity, life, and beauty, into existence with just a word, why do I ever doubt His ability to handle my daily drama?!
And give thanks... find things, even the tiniest thing like the smell of your toothpaste, to give thanks for. :)
So I'm signing off from my ramblings... I can't wait for this year to unfold! I pray God continues to grow and strengthen me (although I've told Him He's welcome to back off on the lessons in patience for a little bit if He'd so choose! ;) )... and I pray that with the brave wings He's given me, that I soar to new heights of knowing Him this year. In the blessings and the pain... I pray both my kids and I see Jesus in our daily walks of life. And I pray we have to courage to be a tangible Jesus to the ones in our paths. Change is incredibly painful at times.... but SO beautiful too.
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