God Kisses

December 20, 2016

It's been a while again since I've written, but life has been INSANE so no time to sit and actually think until now, as classes have finally finished for the semester and I finally have a few moments to breathe before school starts up at Duke!  This is just TOO good not to write down, if nothing else but for my memories... but I'm hoping and praying this post is an encouragement for my fellow peeps who are struggling with their faith and trust in a Sovereign God who genuinely loves His children right now, right where we are without life all figured out, but in our messes. 
I know I wrote back a few months ago about the miracle of Duke school of Nursing.  Yep... HUGE miracle.  Little 'ol me, who graduated from college way back in 1999, got accepted to one of the top nursing schools in the nation!  So for the past 6 months, I've been a full time student, full time employee, and full time solo mama to my 4 sweet and wild monkeys.  Totally a God thing that I've had strength to finish strong the past 2 semesters of classes!  So let's talk Duke... I start Jan.9 with the ABSN (Accelerated Bachelor of Science in Nursing) program.  It's a 4 year program crammed into 16 months.  Intense... yep, that's an understatement!  But I just have to share the amazing ways God has proved faithful in this HUGE leap of faith.  I applied only to Duke... not knowing how I would afford it but trusting that if God really wanted me there, not only would He get me in to the school (only 70 of over 800 applicants accepted!), but that He would provide the finances to make it possible.  Shortly after the email during the summer saying I had been accepted, I began the process of looking into every possible scholarship I could apply for.   I got an email from the Duke financial aid office telling me I had been selected for a need-based scholarship of $25,000 (there's incredible blessings in being poor!  LOL! ;) )... that need based scholarship was nearly half of my tuition!  PRAISE GOD! 

Fast forward a few more months... with school's incredibly heavy load over the fall semester, I had been forced to cut back on my hours at work, which significantly affected my pay.  My boss had been pretty upset when I told him I was going back to school, and had already cut my pay (don't get me started... yes, I know it's illegal, but I needed to keep the job just until the end of this year to get me thru until Duke classes started so I didn't fight it much).  Add to the pay cut also cutting my hours, it had become a struggle to provide for basic living expenses for the kids and myself.  But here's where the HUGE God kisses began... gentle reminders that this really was God's plan for me (even though I frequently questioned that and doubted my decision to go back to school!), and that HE would continue to provide. 
I was standing at the kitchen counter, having just walked in the door from a long day of classes and work, and my phone buzzed.  I'm on call for work EVERY day after I leave the office, so I honestly rolled my eyes and grabbed the phone with a frustrated huff, just wanting to be left alone.  That particular week had been an incredibly challenging one, with my mortgage due at the end of the week, and I had no clue how I was going to pay it.  The child support battle is still ongoing (don't get me started on how much of a racket our judicial system is), and still having a lack of income there, as well as having worked minimal hours that particular month because of classes and having to miss work with some long specialist appointments for Kai, there was just no way.  In all honesty, I had been too frustrated and angry with the judicial system and the lack of follow thru on orders to even pray about my situation, and I was struggling with faith to believe HE was going to bring justice any time soon.  So back to my phone... I picked it up to see a text from a sweet friend I hadn't seen or heard from in over a year.  His text said "go check your mailbox."  I headed out front to the mailbox and brought in an envelope.  I still remember to this day standing at my counter with Kalia (she gets home from school quite a bit before the other 3).  I opened the envelope and tears started rolling down my cheeks.  In that envelope was $800 cash!  Talk about beyond blown away with a God kiss that outright knocked my socks off!  That gift from my amazing friend was almost enough to fully cover my mortgage that month! 
Zip forward another few weeks... I had had a meeting with my financial aid advisor at Duke (with the ABSN program, we're each assigned a financial aid advisor that we're mandated to meet with).  My advisor was incredible!  She was SO precious, and spent over an hour just laughing and talking and helping me in ways I didn't even know I needed help, to understand the ins and outs of going back to school and taking out student loans at my age.  I jotted down pages of notes during our conversation, and realized I still had a lot to do to get ready for the coming 16 months!  Less than a week later, that sweet advisor emailed me yet again.  She said she had really enjoyed our time together, and that she had been doing some scholarship wrap up stuff and realized that she still had a bit of extra money to give, so she'd given me an extra $2k per semester of scholarship!  God kisses... continuing to blow my mind!

So as Thanksgiving rolled around, preparing for Duke and being in the thick of my fall semester were both zapping my energy and time.  As most of you know by now, I struggle with Systemic Lupus, an autoimmune disease that I can typically manage pretty well, but extreme stress and lack of sleep flares it into a painful and frustrating, debilitating struggle.  I was emotionally wiped with stress of legal issues, raising my 4 kids completely on my own, finances, school... you name it, there wasn't much relief in site.  After a short trip back home to Ohio to see my family over Thanksgiving (thanks to my sweet Scott, who drove us in his vehicle AND purchased all the gas to get us to and from there so that the trip could be possible!), I arrived home to find a HUGE box delivered on my front porch... Thanksgiving dinner from a church down the road from my house that I don't even know!!  Dang God is GOOD!! 

So if you've stuck with me and kept reading until now, don't worry, I'm almost finished, but this last part is just AMAZING!  So there's only a few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas as we all know well.  It's typically a pretty crazy time of busy schedules and stress anyways, but add to it six finals in my classes, and final prep work for Duke needing to be done, a flare up still raging with my lupus, and 4 crazy kiddos and their fun and wild schedules... yeah, saying it was crazy is an understatement.  With the holidays and more specialist appointments, I had missed a lot of work, and was struggling to make ends meet for the kids and myself.  My Scott had provided an incredible amount of groceries for the kids to keep them fed and taken care of as he saw my struggle that I refused to say anything about, and knew I wouldn't dare ask for help.  Two precious angel friends of mine who have walked thru the past few years of pain and healing with me, also saw me pushing thru the pain of my Lupus flare up to try to work as many hours as possible to pay the bills and feed the monkeys.  Late one afternoon, as the kids and I arrived home after a long day of classes, work, kids specialist appointments, and my youngest kiddo's basketball practice, one of those angels texted me saying "check your front door".  There we found 2 gifts... 2 gift cards to Kroger!!!!  (they know me well too... that's my favorite grocery store!)  Throw in that ALSO in that past month... a gift package of essential oils from a precious old friend and soul sister to help treat an allergic reaction that I had to my mandated flu shot for Duke (my whole face swelled on one side, and my left eye swelled shut!), and also another front door delivery from yet another old friend of Isogenix goodies to help treat my crazy inflammation from my flare up... WOW!  My faith is so weak sometimes, yet God doesn't let me go in spite of myself and continues to blow my mind and grow my faith! 
So I just have to share this one final kiss :)  Just over a week ago now, early one Sunday morning, I had got up while it was still dark to study some before the kids woke and we got ready for church.  I was convicted by a quiet whisper in my spirit that I needed to write a tithe/offering check for church that Sunday, and the amount God put on my heart was the amount that I had set aside for a special gift for my girls for Christmas (not for an offering at church I'm ashamed to say).  The nudging on my heart just wouldn't go away as I studied, and so I opened my bank account online to see if maybe I could give that specific amount AND still have the money for my girl's Christmas gift.  No way possible.  My heart was uneasy though, and I knew without a doubt God wanted me to give to Him instead of keeping that money for my plans, so I wrote the check and with a discouraged heart (probably not the right giving heart if I'm honest), put it in the offering at church that morning.  Scott and I came home with the kids after church that day, and were fixing the kids a pot of stew when my doorbell rang.  An old friend and her husband and 2 daughters, all of which I hadn't seen or really even talked to in nearly 10 years, were standing there!  We caught up for a bit, and then my friend pulled out an envelope.  She placed it in my hands and began to explain.  She said their church had given each family $10 cash and had challenged them to go pray about how God wanted them to use that money.  She continued... God had put my kids and I on her heart, and she and her family had decided to use their soap making skills to purchase supplies to make and sell soap together, and multiply the money in order to give it to the kids and I!  Talk about unselfish!  But get this (yes I get excited telling this!)... the amount in that envelope was the almost the EXACT amount God had put on my heart to give at church that morning!!  Beyond amazing...a God kiss... and an undeserved blessing to this little mama who tried to be obedient to the tiny whisper in my spirit!!! 

My head is still swirling with the AMAZING provision of my Papa God, and His gentle kisses that continue to knock my socks off!  My tiny and feeble faith continues to grow as I have watched Him provide for my kids and I in ways my mind couldn't even dream up if I tried!  From little things like finding a girl who sold me her Duke scrubs (mint condition and you would have thought they were custom ordered for me the way they fit!) and ALL of her Duke textbooks (she just graduated from the ABSN program at Duke this month) for under $100 (school told us to budget $500 per semester for our mandatory books!)... to gifts of oils, anti-inflammatories, groceries, visits from out of town friends to just give me a tight hug and a listening ear, flowers delivered as a surprise gift of love (anyone living on a tight income knows flowers are a total luxury!!), family making the long trek to NC to help with my kids when they knew this weary mama needed a break, and even money... my Papa God has continued to blow me away with His faithfulness.  So be encouraged my fellow weary friends... HE remains faithful even when we doubt and struggle.  He makes beauty from our ashes.