Valleys and Victories

Yikes!  I realized today that it's been nearly 4 years since I last wrote.  So intentions and actions sometimes just don't completely match… which goes against every grain of my being, but for writing on my blog, I'm going to give myself some grace on this :)

It's been a whirlwind of a past 4 years to say the least.  Last time I wrote, I was preparing to start my BS in Nursing at Duke... today, I'm a Duke graduate and working as a licensed RN with an incredible job as a nurse in the Emergency Department at Duke University Hospital!  Throughout that 16 month whirlwind of the accelerated nursing program at Duke, I also got engaged and married to "my Boaz", Scott!  There's not enough time to write all the amazing ways God has provided my kids and I with the most caring, protective, righteous, believing, obedient, tenderhearted, provider to be both my teammate and husband, as well as THE most incredible dad to my 4 kiddos... but suffice to say that I'm beyond honored to be loved and love such an incredible man, and I consider it a privilege to share his name.

*Side note... girls, if you read nothing else please hear me on this, wait for God to show you the man you're meant to partner with and love and cherish for the rest of your life .  HE always knows best... even when we don't understand or like HIS timing!

So backtracking a bit in the journey... for those new to my blog, I started this blog a long time ago to keep friends and family updated on my son, Brayden Kai (pictured above on the far right!).  He was diagnosed as a young child with a very rare progressive neuromuscular disease called Ataxia with Oculomotor Apraxia Type 2 (AOA2).  Writing along the journey helped me recognize and remember the many ways God has (and continues to!) provide along the way... thru the highs and the lows, my Papa God has continued to prove faithful.  Unknown to me at the time I started writing, God would take me thru an incredibly long and painful VERY high conflict divorce, and also begin the challenging process of healing from the deep wounds of domestic abuse, betrayal, and facing an incredibly messed up legal system.  (*please go back and read my post from 9/21/15 "From Ashes to Beauty")  So for context, I will pick up where I left off a few years ago.  Little did I know when I wrote that September post back in 2015, that just one week after writing, I would meet the man I now am honored to call my husband!  We met on a blind "date" (really just a coffee meet and greet) at Panera Bread, on the very day my ex married one of my former closest "friends".  I was broken and hurt beyond words because of the affair and betrayal of what I thought was a close "friendship", and only agreed to meet Scott because I felt like it would take my mind off my own heartache at least for a few hours that evening.  We didn't start dating right away.  In fact I'm not even sure we were truly attracted to one another on first meet.  In his words he would later share with me, "either I was the craziest girl he'd ever met, or the strongest women he'd ever known.  Time would tell."  We spent several months just talking and hanging out to get to know each other.  My kids knew nothing about him, as I was terrified to put them into yet another situation where they could get hurt.  Our friendship grew, and finally several months later, I got the courage to introduce him to my kids.  It was beautiful to watch the relationship between Scott and the kids blossom.  He was a solid, stable and dependable man, who listened and loved well, and used words only when necessary.  After 18 months of dating (about 12 months into my nursing program at Duke and 2 more court hearings in!), my Scott asked me to be his teammate and love for life!  Over the next 5 months, Scott and I planned our DIY wedding (complete with an ice cream sundae bar and bounce houses and over 400 incredible friends and family from around the world celebrating with us.... I guess that's what happens when you marry a 44 yr old bachelor!), and I finished up my final semester of nursing school at Duke all while preparing my house in Raleigh to go on the market for sale right after our wedding.  It was incredible to see how God put all the puzzle pieces together... shortly before Scott and I met, he had designed a custom home built just 6 miles from Duke.  He had designed it as a single story home with full handicap accessibility (before he even knew I existed!).  Remember how I mentioned Brayden Kai and his special needs... well God knew what story would unfold (duh!), and God's fingerprints were all over those plans!  Scott's home was a perfect fit for the needs of my oldest boy.  It was a whirlwind few months to say the least, but over and over, we saw God provide.  My house in Raleigh sold in just 1 day for well over the asking price, so the day after the kids finished their current school year, we moved to Durham to begin our new chapter in our adventure of being a 6-pack.

Over the past 20 years especially in my life, I've learned that some of the greatest joys in life come thru some of the most painful journeys.  I've heard it said "Joy isn't a lack of pain and suffering.  It's how you go thru it."  Our "new" marriage has been no exception.  Scott jumped in with both feet, wholeheartedly into the deep end.  Within just 2 weeks of being married, Scott walked into the courtroom with me for his first of many hearings by my side.  I'd been there in the domestic court so many times since my divorce that I'd honestly lost count.  This would be the first time with my husband and soulmate by my side.  This time was because we had requested to change the kids to go to school where they now lived (I've had primary physical custody since the very beginning of our separation because of the awful abuse that my kids and I endured, and were able to survive to testify to).  My ex, Kevin, refused to allow the children to go to school 5 minutes from our new home, stating he felt it would be better for them to continue to commute to/from their old schools (over 3 hours per day in the car commuting).  The judge, who had been on our case since day 1, decided to appoint us to have a mandatory "Parent Coordinator" (PC).  This individual's role is assigned to act as a neutral party who has a primary role to assist with negotiations as well as to mediate and settle any disputes between two biological parents, usually in a high conflict divorce.  Given that job description, I was hopeful that our court hearings would finally be minimized, and some logical person would assist to intervene in what had quickly been defined as a parallel-parenting nightmare (there's no such thing as co-parenting with a narcissistic sociopath, which we had realized quickly that we were dealing with.  With the help of some experts, we had found out untruths that I had no clue I had been deceived into believing ... things like "former army ranger", "hands were registered lethal weapons" and "former underground Hawaiian UFC fighter" being completely fabricated stories just to name a few.  To think I lived nearly 14 years of a marriage, terrified to stand up for myself because some "army ranger with registered lethal weapons for hands" could kill me with his strength and skills... that he didn't even have?!  Yep, it took some serious processing and counseling to forgive myself for being so manipulated and gullible to believe what turned out to be literally hundreds of false claims.  We were ordered to meet with the newly assigned PC immediately, so that he could work to settle the dispute of school assignments for the children.  In hindsight, I should have known from my gut feeling on that initial meeting that things were going to quickly go south.  The PC spent the first 30 min of our meeting reading thru previous court orders from our multiple prior hearings.  He then asked me a battery of questions, most of which I don't remember.  I think I went into a state of shock after one of his initial questions.  The one early question I clearly and vividly DO recall was one of his first questions after he finished flipping thru the previous orders.  He looked me in the face and said "so tell me, why do you have primary physical custody?"  I started trembling, and fought back tears (still battling some subconscious effects of my complex PTSD) and said "Kevin was abusive.  Physically, verbally and emotionally.  To both myself and my kids."  The PC quickly jumped in before I could finish, and responded "do you have police documentation to prove that?"  When I feebly said "no, I was too afraid to call them.  He had weapons.  And he said he would use them."  The PC quickly answered in a curt voice "well if you don't have police evidence to prove it, then it didn't happen."  And that would only be the beginning of a very long and unjust valley with the PC in control.  We landed back in court over the school situation in August of that year.  It was the PC and Kevin vs me.  Amidst false statements and accusations thrown at me, the PC was called out while under oath for not only lying but also for violating client privacy laws and broadcasting about our case to parties completely unrelated to our case, stating "she [Heather] is going to recognize before this is over that she is not in control and I will have her punished."  And thus set the tone for the next 2.5 years.  The PC set out to team with Kevin to "have me punished".  The judge refused to allow the PC to be removed.  Scott and I did our best to provide a stable and safe home for the kids, showing them day in and day out that they were loved and cherished, not only by us, but also by the Creator God who made them.  We did our best to protect them from the seemingly never-ending verbal and emotional abuse that they continued to face.  We continued for the next 2 years, to drive them to/from school every day, 5 days a week, a minimum of 3 hours per day commuting (more if traffic was bad!).  And we continued to fight for justice.  We were in and out of court multiple times as the PC and Kevin repeatedly took us back in front of the judge for dozens of completely ridiculous things... things like taking my youngest son to the ER when he was sick but not calling Kevin for permission and to notify him first before driving down the road in the middle of the night, like signing my 2 boys up to play on a rec league soccer team, and signing my youngest son up to play on a rec league basketball team... yep, these are the crazy things we had to go defend.

There were many days where I would go for a run by myself, crying out to God with angry tears of "why God... why me... why does this continue?  Why does evil appear to "win" over and over while my children continue to suffer at the hands and mouth of an abuser?"  One morning during a run thru a gravel trail near our home, a quiet voice whispered to my spirit and literally stopped me in my tracks: "what the enemy intended for evil, I intend for good."  I knew it was from the Bible, but had no clue where.  So I turned around and ran home to look up where it was and what my Papa God was talking about.  Little did I know that this verse would become the theme verse for our home the past 2.5 years.  It's from the story in the Bible of Joseph, when he met with his brothers after they had betrayed him SO deeply and sold him into slavery.  Genesis 50:20 "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive."  Things only intensified even more when Kevin's second wife left him.  We (Scott & I) frequented the courtroom every few months to defend our actions of taking care of our kids and doing our best to act in the best interest and well being of the kids.  The icing on the cake came when the two forces of evil (PC and Kevin), joined together to take me to court because I put braces on my 13 year old daughter.  In spite of Kevin being court ordered for over 5 years now, to pay for 100% of the kids medical expenses, we had joint legal custody so had to "come to an agreement" on whether or not she could get the braces, in spite of the 2 years worth of documentation by the orthodontist stating she needed braces.  Kevin wouldn't agree to her needing the braces, so Scott and I opted to pay 100% out of our own pocket and have the braces put on her in order to prevent further dental issues and longer time spent in the braces if she were to wait any longer.  She is a teenager, with typical teen self-image struggles, and we felt it was in her best interest to move forward rather than waiting another year or more.  Little did we know that this would be the fuel the PC and Kevin would use to attempt to completely destroy us.  In October, we found ourselves back in the courtroom.  Again.  

There's not enough time or words to even begin to describe what happened next.  Suffice to say that if it weren't for God being the rock and center of our marriage, and God using the valleys to press us HARD into both leaning into each other, but more importantly, to lean into HIM (our Papa God), we would not have survived.  If you've read this far, please be sure to read to the end!  In that courtroom in October, I was found "guilty" of caring for the best interests and needs of my children and in doing so, violating the dictatorship of the PC and my ex.  Kevin was given the option to absolve me, as I was told I was in contempt because I moved forward and payed for the braces and had them put on my daughter.  He refused.  And the PC requested that I be "punished" to the fullest.  If you've ever heard the term "the good ol' boys system" when you hear about the legal system, I can tell you first hand it's true.  The judge, prior to this PC, had ruled with the best interests of the kids at heart every time.  Then it all shifted.  100% of the rulings went in favor of the duo of evil.  And this time was no different.  I was "sentenced" to do 120 hours of community service and 7 overnights in jail.  All because I continued to act in the best interest of my children, just as I have done (and will continue to do with God's help!) for the past 17 years.  Yes... if your jaw is on the floor and you're throwing curse words right about now, you're in good company.  I did all of the above.  I screamed, I cried, I ran until I couldn't take another step.  "Seriously God?  WTF?  I'm being punished with the most unreasonable and ludicrous punishment because I took care of my kids?!  And what about those laws that say the "punishment must fit the crime"?  Why is this narcissistic sociopath able to fool SO many people with his lies and manipulation, and continue to abuse?  And not only that, the judge had been made aware of the fact that this man who calls himself "father" to the kids he's trying to punish me for taking care of is the definition of a dead beat, not having paid a dime of child support for over 6 months?  Do you even care God?  Are you even there God?"  Those are just a few of the questions that raged thru my head for the days that followed.  God brought me flat on my face.  And in that place, I had a choice.  Am I going to walk away from the God I had previously claimed as my Lord and Savior?  Or am I going to lean in to the faithful God who I had known and experienced first hand?  

I chose to lean in.  Scott and I chose to lean in.  Together.  To each other.  And to HIM.  We had a precious army of prayer warriors who banded together to hold our arms up when we were so weary. Friends, I'm telling you with tears on my cheeks that I've never felt the love of my Jesus so tenderly and tangibly as I did the next 2 months.   Every.  Single.  Day.  God showed up.  I worked my full time job, then went to my community service job, and then thrown in there managed to knock out my jail days.  Friends and family waged war on our behalf, hounding the gates of heaven on our behalf, loving on our heartbroken kids, dropping off meals, mailing us gift cards, having pizza delivered to our doorstep, showing up to work alongside of me at my community service "job"... seriously, no words could begin to describe the incredible joy we found in one of the deepest valleys of our life.  On my first night in the jail, my heart broke for the girls I bunked with.  It's one of the darkest and loneliest places I've ever been.  But God used that dark spot to again whisper to my heart.  And together with some incredible friends who are way more creative than I am, we found a contact in the jail who allowed us to collect and donate what ended up being OVER 350 Bibles and books of Hope into that dark and lonely place!!!  And in that terrifying and lonely 2 months of insanity for our family, our children saw incredible truth.  They saw first hand what true friendship and love looks like.  They saw and experienced God provide for our family in mind blowing ways which would knock your socks right off (did I mention that during all of this nightmare of the valley, Scott was also without any clients in his business, and my ex had now gone nearly 8 full months without paying a dime of child support... BUT not once did we go hungry or cold or without a roof over our head?!  Again... what the enemy intending for evil in Scott being unemployed, turned into a HUGE blessing as he was willing and able to be THE most incredible dad to our 4 very broken and hurting kids during a lot of time that I was away, and our kids experienced yet again how Papa God is faithful!).  And much to our shock and joy, the kids pressed hard into our family, and into their perfect Heavenly Father.  If 4+ hours per day of commuting in a car together  for 2 solid years hadn't already grown the depths of our relationships to a level I never would have dreamed possible, I can 100% guarantee you that the past 2 months have only further cemented our 6-pack together!  

The judge continued in his ruling though... the PC was to be immediately taken off our case (HALLELUJAH! And if you live locally and need the name of a family law attorney and PC to avoid at all costs, please message me privately!) and following the completion of my "sentence", I would have full legal custody of the children (I already have primary physical custody) so no more fights about sports and braces and doctors and schools!!!!  So yes, you best believe I knocked out my entire "sentence" of punishment in just 2 months.  And Scott was the hero and backbone, continuing to provide a stable and safe place for our kids to grieve, let out their anger, process, and still make it to all their outside commitments while I was literally "working" 7 days a week for nearly full 9 weeks.  And it's over.  The journey thru that valley is complete.  We now have primary physical custody, full legal custody, and no more PC!

So my challenge continues... continue to lean in for the next challenge that's sure to come.  And in the waiting... be still (SO hard for me!) and continue to be reminded of HIS faithfulness. 

 "In God's hands, intended evil becomes eventual good." ~Max Lucado  

So this barely even scratches the surface of the past 3 years now, but for me, it's been healing to write.  If we don't put words and a voice to evil and fight for justice, we ourselves become part of the evil.  I firmly believe that.  And I believe that in the valleys and storms that God allows, we can choose to lean in.  Or choose to walk away.  In leaning in, I've found JOY I never imagined I would know.  I've found the most precious and treasured of friends.  I've found a whole new level of parenting and love for my "Boaz" Scott that I have never known.  And I've experienced my Jesus in a whole new and intimate way.  So I'm thankful.  And I'm challenged.  And yes... to the MANY of you now who have asked and challenged me, I'm going to write my full story in a book... it'll just take some time.  ;)  2020 is a new chapter with new beginnings that we're celebrating in advance.  No story is ever wasted.  And mine is no different.   

God Kisses

December 20, 2016

It's been a while again since I've written, but life has been INSANE so no time to sit and actually think until now, as classes have finally finished for the semester and I finally have a few moments to breathe before school starts up at Duke!  This is just TOO good not to write down, if nothing else but for my memories... but I'm hoping and praying this post is an encouragement for my fellow peeps who are struggling with their faith and trust in a Sovereign God who genuinely loves His children right now, right where we are without life all figured out, but in our messes. 
I know I wrote back a few months ago about the miracle of Duke school of Nursing.  Yep... HUGE miracle.  Little 'ol me, who graduated from college way back in 1999, got accepted to one of the top nursing schools in the nation!  So for the past 6 months, I've been a full time student, full time employee, and full time solo mama to my 4 sweet and wild monkeys.  Totally a God thing that I've had strength to finish strong the past 2 semesters of classes!  So let's talk Duke... I start Jan.9 with the ABSN (Accelerated Bachelor of Science in Nursing) program.  It's a 4 year program crammed into 16 months.  Intense... yep, that's an understatement!  But I just have to share the amazing ways God has proved faithful in this HUGE leap of faith.  I applied only to Duke... not knowing how I would afford it but trusting that if God really wanted me there, not only would He get me in to the school (only 70 of over 800 applicants accepted!), but that He would provide the finances to make it possible.  Shortly after the email during the summer saying I had been accepted, I began the process of looking into every possible scholarship I could apply for.   I got an email from the Duke financial aid office telling me I had been selected for a need-based scholarship of $25,000 (there's incredible blessings in being poor!  LOL! ;) )... that need based scholarship was nearly half of my tuition!  PRAISE GOD! 

Fast forward a few more months... with school's incredibly heavy load over the fall semester, I had been forced to cut back on my hours at work, which significantly affected my pay.  My boss had been pretty upset when I told him I was going back to school, and had already cut my pay (don't get me started... yes, I know it's illegal, but I needed to keep the job just until the end of this year to get me thru until Duke classes started so I didn't fight it much).  Add to the pay cut also cutting my hours, it had become a struggle to provide for basic living expenses for the kids and myself.  But here's where the HUGE God kisses began... gentle reminders that this really was God's plan for me (even though I frequently questioned that and doubted my decision to go back to school!), and that HE would continue to provide. 
I was standing at the kitchen counter, having just walked in the door from a long day of classes and work, and my phone buzzed.  I'm on call for work EVERY day after I leave the office, so I honestly rolled my eyes and grabbed the phone with a frustrated huff, just wanting to be left alone.  That particular week had been an incredibly challenging one, with my mortgage due at the end of the week, and I had no clue how I was going to pay it.  The child support battle is still ongoing (don't get me started on how much of a racket our judicial system is), and still having a lack of income there, as well as having worked minimal hours that particular month because of classes and having to miss work with some long specialist appointments for Kai, there was just no way.  In all honesty, I had been too frustrated and angry with the judicial system and the lack of follow thru on orders to even pray about my situation, and I was struggling with faith to believe HE was going to bring justice any time soon.  So back to my phone... I picked it up to see a text from a sweet friend I hadn't seen or heard from in over a year.  His text said "go check your mailbox."  I headed out front to the mailbox and brought in an envelope.  I still remember to this day standing at my counter with Kalia (she gets home from school quite a bit before the other 3).  I opened the envelope and tears started rolling down my cheeks.  In that envelope was $800 cash!  Talk about beyond blown away with a God kiss that outright knocked my socks off!  That gift from my amazing friend was almost enough to fully cover my mortgage that month! 
Zip forward another few weeks... I had had a meeting with my financial aid advisor at Duke (with the ABSN program, we're each assigned a financial aid advisor that we're mandated to meet with).  My advisor was incredible!  She was SO precious, and spent over an hour just laughing and talking and helping me in ways I didn't even know I needed help, to understand the ins and outs of going back to school and taking out student loans at my age.  I jotted down pages of notes during our conversation, and realized I still had a lot to do to get ready for the coming 16 months!  Less than a week later, that sweet advisor emailed me yet again.  She said she had really enjoyed our time together, and that she had been doing some scholarship wrap up stuff and realized that she still had a bit of extra money to give, so she'd given me an extra $2k per semester of scholarship!  God kisses... continuing to blow my mind!

So as Thanksgiving rolled around, preparing for Duke and being in the thick of my fall semester were both zapping my energy and time.  As most of you know by now, I struggle with Systemic Lupus, an autoimmune disease that I can typically manage pretty well, but extreme stress and lack of sleep flares it into a painful and frustrating, debilitating struggle.  I was emotionally wiped with stress of legal issues, raising my 4 kids completely on my own, finances, school... you name it, there wasn't much relief in site.  After a short trip back home to Ohio to see my family over Thanksgiving (thanks to my sweet Scott, who drove us in his vehicle AND purchased all the gas to get us to and from there so that the trip could be possible!), I arrived home to find a HUGE box delivered on my front porch... Thanksgiving dinner from a church down the road from my house that I don't even know!!  Dang God is GOOD!! 

So if you've stuck with me and kept reading until now, don't worry, I'm almost finished, but this last part is just AMAZING!  So there's only a few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas as we all know well.  It's typically a pretty crazy time of busy schedules and stress anyways, but add to it six finals in my classes, and final prep work for Duke needing to be done, a flare up still raging with my lupus, and 4 crazy kiddos and their fun and wild schedules... yeah, saying it was crazy is an understatement.  With the holidays and more specialist appointments, I had missed a lot of work, and was struggling to make ends meet for the kids and myself.  My Scott had provided an incredible amount of groceries for the kids to keep them fed and taken care of as he saw my struggle that I refused to say anything about, and knew I wouldn't dare ask for help.  Two precious angel friends of mine who have walked thru the past few years of pain and healing with me, also saw me pushing thru the pain of my Lupus flare up to try to work as many hours as possible to pay the bills and feed the monkeys.  Late one afternoon, as the kids and I arrived home after a long day of classes, work, kids specialist appointments, and my youngest kiddo's basketball practice, one of those angels texted me saying "check your front door".  There we found 2 gifts... 2 gift cards to Kroger!!!!  (they know me well too... that's my favorite grocery store!)  Throw in that ALSO in that past month... a gift package of essential oils from a precious old friend and soul sister to help treat an allergic reaction that I had to my mandated flu shot for Duke (my whole face swelled on one side, and my left eye swelled shut!), and also another front door delivery from yet another old friend of Isogenix goodies to help treat my crazy inflammation from my flare up... WOW!  My faith is so weak sometimes, yet God doesn't let me go in spite of myself and continues to blow my mind and grow my faith! 
So I just have to share this one final kiss :)  Just over a week ago now, early one Sunday morning, I had got up while it was still dark to study some before the kids woke and we got ready for church.  I was convicted by a quiet whisper in my spirit that I needed to write a tithe/offering check for church that Sunday, and the amount God put on my heart was the amount that I had set aside for a special gift for my girls for Christmas (not for an offering at church I'm ashamed to say).  The nudging on my heart just wouldn't go away as I studied, and so I opened my bank account online to see if maybe I could give that specific amount AND still have the money for my girl's Christmas gift.  No way possible.  My heart was uneasy though, and I knew without a doubt God wanted me to give to Him instead of keeping that money for my plans, so I wrote the check and with a discouraged heart (probably not the right giving heart if I'm honest), put it in the offering at church that morning.  Scott and I came home with the kids after church that day, and were fixing the kids a pot of stew when my doorbell rang.  An old friend and her husband and 2 daughters, all of which I hadn't seen or really even talked to in nearly 10 years, were standing there!  We caught up for a bit, and then my friend pulled out an envelope.  She placed it in my hands and began to explain.  She said their church had given each family $10 cash and had challenged them to go pray about how God wanted them to use that money.  She continued... God had put my kids and I on her heart, and she and her family had decided to use their soap making skills to purchase supplies to make and sell soap together, and multiply the money in order to give it to the kids and I!  Talk about unselfish!  But get this (yes I get excited telling this!)... the amount in that envelope was the almost the EXACT amount God had put on my heart to give at church that morning!!  Beyond amazing...a God kiss... and an undeserved blessing to this little mama who tried to be obedient to the tiny whisper in my spirit!!! 

My head is still swirling with the AMAZING provision of my Papa God, and His gentle kisses that continue to knock my socks off!  My tiny and feeble faith continues to grow as I have watched Him provide for my kids and I in ways my mind couldn't even dream up if I tried!  From little things like finding a girl who sold me her Duke scrubs (mint condition and you would have thought they were custom ordered for me the way they fit!) and ALL of her Duke textbooks (she just graduated from the ABSN program at Duke this month) for under $100 (school told us to budget $500 per semester for our mandatory books!)... to gifts of oils, anti-inflammatories, groceries, visits from out of town friends to just give me a tight hug and a listening ear, flowers delivered as a surprise gift of love (anyone living on a tight income knows flowers are a total luxury!!), family making the long trek to NC to help with my kids when they knew this weary mama needed a break, and even money... my Papa God has continued to blow me away with His faithfulness.  So be encouraged my fellow weary friends... HE remains faithful even when we doubt and struggle.  He makes beauty from our ashes.

Hallelujah and Hurt

August 7, 2016

It's been a long time since I last wrote.  I realize that, and to be honest, there's so many random reasons why I won't even begin to explain them all.  But I do feel like it's been a gradual stirring in my heart the past few months to put my words to paper again and share my heart.  As most of my blog reader friends know by now, I don't do much "sugar coating".  I've become pretty straight forward and to the point the past few years.  I spent so many years being told what I could and couldn't say and do, I've taken a complete opposite turn and have become open and honest about my journey... all of it, the hallelujahs AND the hurts.  I've realized so many people are aching inside, longing to be true to who they really are, yet live in fear of what others may say or think of them, and keep the walls high and the masks on.  I can't live like that anymore.  I spent well over half my life living like that, and it's a miserable place to be, living a lie, hiding behind a shell so nobody knows the real self deep inside.  My journey of joys and pain are something I'm deeply convicted God has allowed in my life to bring His name glory.  So although there's a part of me that wishes it never happened the way it's unfolded, there's another part of me that's so thankful God picked stubborn and strong-willed me to be a part of a story much bigger than myself. 

So in candor and raw openness, I'll share a tiny bit of the big things in life the past few months... some of it I can't share (I'm bound by court orders on discussing openly the legal tornado that filled a large part of the past year), but instead I'll start with my monkeys (aka my 4 precious kiddos!).  Kalia is turning 14 in just another week, and heads off to her first year of high school in just 3 weeks.  YIKES!  Yep... slightly terrifying, yet also amazing to see how God is changing my sweet yet strong willed child, and growing her into a beautiful woman of wisdom, independence, and strength.  Kai is now 12, and just started 7th grade.  He's still the little fighter he's always been, determined and full of courage, and incredibly brilliant.  His disease is definitely rapidly progressing lately, and he uses a power chair at school now to try to help conserve his limited energy and stabilize his slowly deteriorating body.  He's still as determined as ever so I am incredibly thankful for his spirit... even though he's got the typical pre-teen attitude mixed in now ;)  Peyton is 10 now, officially into the double digit pre-teen years, and full of determination and sass, and wise well beyond her years.  She's now in grade 5, and loving life at the top of her school.  She's probably struggled the most of all 4 kiddos the past 4 years especially, wrestling thru the pain of the truth she knows of the hellacious divorce of her parents, yet not understanding how to fully process it as just a little innocent child who's world as she knew it flipped upside down.  She loves fiercely and deeply, and has begun to heal from her wounds and is becoming a strong and independent little lady.  Thayne is 7 now, and continues to be my rough and tumble, free spirited monkey, yet total mama's boy at heart.  He's in grade 2, and in his world, school is a waste of time because he should just be able to play freely with his buddies!  :)  He loves to play hard and is a natural athlete, but when it comes to settling down for the day, he wants nothing more than to snuggle up under his mama's wings and know that he's safe and loved deeply. 
Each of my monkeys has their struggles, but each also has incredible strengths, and I'm so thankful God picked me out of all the women in the world to be their mama! 

So there's also been a whirlwind of change in life for me too!  It's been a wild few months to say the least, yet it's also been one of the most incredible months of "seeing" God answer prayers for me in ways I never imagined possible.  I'll start with school... as some of you may know by now, in January of 2016, I felt God tugging on my heart for me to pursue my childhood dream of becoming a nurse.  Between Kai's special needs, medical issues with my 2 girls, and also my own struggles with an autoimmune disease of my own, I realized my incredible passion for the medical field and felt it was time to look into following a dream that I've had since I was a little girl.  I took a huge leap of faith (or maybe fear!) and applied to the Duke Accelerated BS in Nursing program.  I had researched programs at all the schools around me, and felt that was the program that best fit my passions as well as my desire to not go back to school for 4 additional years (already did that... no desire to do it again!).  Being an accelerated program, the Duke ABSN program is crazy intense, completing a Bachelor of Science degree in nursing in 16 months, and also a phenomenal program (just recently ranked in the top 3 nursing schools in the nation!), and I fully admit I have fallen in love with the genuine care Duke has given to both Kai and I over the course of the past 8.5 years of treatment there.  So I took the leap... and applied... and prayed.  A lot.  I got a lot of judgement of "how in the world will you do that with primary physical custody of 4 kids (they go to their dad's every other weekend only) and having to work multiple jobs to make ends meet", but honestly in my heart, I had an incredible peace that IF this was really what God wanted, then I would get in and God would make a way for all the other details to smooth out.  And if this wasn't part of the plan, then that's ok too and I would figure out what's next.  But for the kids and I, nursing school will provide us with SO much more opportunities in the future, as well as stability of just 1 job that was solid pay to provide for our growing needs.  So once again God worked on teaching me patience... and after 6 months of waiting... I got an e-mail one Tuesday evening while I was at my kid's swim meet.  I got in!!!  TOTAL God thing, as they told us that they only accepted 6% of the applicants!!  But for whatever reason, God allowed them to pick little ol' ME!!!!  And God didn't stop there... I was awarded a $20k scholarship for my first year!  I think I'm still on cloud nine :)  So I've been taking pre-requisite courses again, just to refresh myself (Duke accepted all my prerequisites from school 18 years ago, but I was feeling a bit overwhelmed at the thought and figured I had best remind myself how to study again!  lol).  I took 3 classes during the summer intensives, and have 3 more to take this fall... then January 2017, my official Duke nursing courses begin, and by May 2018, I'll be a licensed RN!!!!  EEK!  I still have to pinch myself and re-read my acceptance letter every once in a while, and smile as I see God's hand in ALL of it!  So do I know exactly how I'm going to manage it all with 4 kids full time, and still needing to make some income, and study and take 22 credit hours plus clinicals each semester, and pay for the rest of my school bills and living expenses??... no.  But I'm confident God will help me figure all that out just as He's done this far... it's just a new form of an Ironman :) 

And in the Hallelujah of the shared victories, I have to share I've also met an incredible man who's become a very important part of both my life as well as my kids.  I don't share much about my "relationship" status, mainly because of the lies SO many (not all, I realize) couples hide behind as they post public BS about their relationships and how wonderful their other half is, when behind closed doors their relationship is barely surviving.  I lived behind that lie for way too many years, and it now makes me want to vomit.  I think the best relationships I see and know in other couples, is ones I don't see on social media constantly, yet I see in real life... a genuine and sacrificial love for each other.  But just to squelch any rumors and answer any questions... I will share a tiny snapshot of my Scott.  We met on Match.com... I was on there on a dare, and honestly not looking for anyone as I had become comfortable in my independence and was loving finding myself again after years of being broken down.  He was on there and not really looking either, but decided to send me a message anyways (and we both crack up at his message now too, as he was really just trying to "weed me out" when he sent it!  lol).  We met for a first date at Panera, and if it tells you anything about myself, I had been thru a ringer of a day, and nearly canceled, but instead decided to throw on a t-shirt, jeans and ball cap, and go meet this man for a blind date.  We spent 3 hours of incredible conversation over coffee and soup that night.  It was conversations about life, and how much God had changed each of us from the brokenness of our past to where we were in the present.  Those conversations have continued over the past 11 months, and I've had the privilege of pressing closer and closer into Jesus with a man who challenges me daily to live a life defined by my faith.  His passion for Jesus flows out of him, and he loves both my kids and I in ways we've never experienced.  Scott's been a tremendous blessing to me in more ways than words can ever describe, and been an incredible instrument in my kid's healing process as well.  He's had his own hell, and his story isn't mine to share, but I know God's grace is real when I have a man like Scott in my life after my own hell of hurt, yet somehow this man can grasp the pain and walk the agony with me, with honor and empathy in a way I never dreamed possible, all the while challenging me to forgive over and over as the pain bubbles over with repeated abuse and manipulation, and my anger and hurt frequently resurface as the reality of betrayal and abuse never really disappears.  I never in a million years would have dreamed that I'd pen these words about a man I met online, but I think God must giggle when He watches us worship together, after all the smart remarks I used to make about "never meeting anyone online ... never in a million years".  So we don't know what the future holds or what will become of "us", but for now we'll take it a day at a time, as we press into Jesus together to take the next step, whatever the next step is (I stole that quote from Pastor Jimmy ;) ).

 

Medical Mysteries

January 15, 2015

Don't go into shock with 2 posts in a month ;)  I figured it was time I gave a full update on my monkeys and their crazy medical happenings the past few months... since that was long overdue and so many of my faithful family and friends have continued to cover the 5 of us in prayers.  It's been a wild and wearisome past few months to say the least.  I will backtrack a bit... and start with Peyton for a change.  A few months ago, Peyton started having consistent episodes of dizziness.  I honestly am not a worry wart, so I told her she was fine and just to sit down for a bit and drink water if she felt dizzy.  Well this mama probably should have worried a bit more... in November, Peyton went off to school one morning, complaining of feeling dizzy (and again I told her to chill and drink water)... only for me to get a call from the school a few hours later saying she "was sick" and I needed to come get her.  I arrived at the school to get called into the office where the school admin told me to come sit down.  She then explained... Peyton had been lining up after recess, and suddenly collapsed.  When the teacher had called her name, she hadn't responded.  She was only "out" for a few seconds, but when she "came to", she had started to vomit.  She was dizzy and confused and still vomiting when I arrived to get her just a few minutes after the school called.  They were concerned about a possible seizure.  For some reason, I stayed fairly calm.  I got her in the car and immediately called her neurologist.  See she had 2 similar episodes (minus the puking) in the prior year, so we had already seen a neurologist and had an EEG (brain scan) done to check for seizures then.  The neurologist was concerned and set an appointment to have another EEG done.  So thus began another series of tests for my little monkey.  The EEG came back with no visible abnormalities, so after spending an hour with her neurologist, he decided to refer her to a pediatric cardiologist.  We're getting to know ALL of the Duke specialty departments now :)  So I took Peyton to see the cardiologist.  He was AWESOME!  He ran more tests, and did an EKG (heart scan) right there in the office.  He diagnosed Peyton with Vaso Depressor Syncope... the exact same heart condition both my mom and I have, which causes your blood pressure and heart rate to suddenly bottom out and cause you to get crazy dizzy, and often even black out.  The blessing is that often if it's diagnosed in children this young, they will grow out of it by puberty when their hormones fully change, so I'm praying for that!  Also, just having answers and knowing what to expect daily definitely helps both her and I deal with it!  The down side is that in a child as young and small as she is, she can black out for up to 20 minutes at a time!!!  CRAZY.  Treatment wise, there's not much they can do for her.  There's a med they can put her on, but the doctor and I met again together with Peyton this week, and we decided to wait until late spring to see if she really needs to go on it or if we can try to keep it at a manageable level with over hydration.  See for this disease, hydration is KEY, so in the winter, with the cooler temps, it's a bit easier to stay hydrated, where this summer, it'll definitely be more challenging and she may experience black outs more frequently and for longer durations.  So for now... we'll wait... drink lots (water that is...at least for her... lol!)... and pray she grows out of it quickly!

So my little dude Kai... the journey continues.  He continues to be a fighter... a trooper... my little man who faces more challenges daily than anyone else I know.  He now has an electric wheelchair that he can use at his own discretion when he feels so wobbly and fatigued that simple walking is too much of a challenge. He still has 3 therapies per week, and we are blessed with some of THE most incredible therapists who are constantly researching his disease and trying to keep things fun and challenging for my preteen who thinks everything these days is just "stupid".  :)  I've been incredibly blessed to have a super nurse who has been helping me with his needs after school as she has time (she's in nursing school so her time is limited, but I will take her help any time possible!).  Kai is still trying to be very independent, but that's definitely becoming more and more of a daily challenge.  Prayers are appreciated as I struggle to know how to best support and help my little man as there's so many questions that just cannot be answered as his disease is just too rare and unknown.  He's an inspiration in his fight!  Trust me, he's no angel... he's full blown preteen with the attitude and all... but it's his stubborn fight that's gotten him this far so for that I'm thankful.  Prayers are appreciated for sure ... this journey is an incredibly emotional one for both Kai, his siblings, and myself.  Kai knows fully that his body doesn't do what his brain tells it to do.  That makes it incredibly tough.  There's been a lot of tears shed by all.  Kalia, Peyton and Thayne are incredibly perceptive, and they see their brother struggle, and it's not easy.  They've watched him use the wheelchair at home more and more often, and they know the day is fast approaching where he'll need it at school too.  I will keep some of his other struggles private as I would never want to embarrass my little man, but suffice to say they are not easy to deal with day in and day out.  It's an exhausting journey.  One that I know God chose me to walk thru and fight thru with my oldest son, and his siblings who have a whole different first hand view of life with special needs, but one that I question God often about as well.  I have learned to be pretty raw and open, with the prayer that my journey can give another weary mama strength, just knowing someone else is out there who can relate and is in her corner.  Or maybe another extra special child out there who needs to know they have a fellow fighter in their corner and climbing an uphill road too.  It's a fight... a daily and hourly fight.  But just like training for my Ironman... each hour makes you stronger.  It's exhausting, and most days not pretty, but it's worth it ... because at the end of the day, every evening, I kneel by my kiddos beds and pray with and for them, and I hear their hearts as they share on their day, and I know I wouldn't have it any other way.  I don't understand the "why" God chose me for this particular journey... but I do know that I have my 4 amazing monkeys to walk the road with, and I have a Heavenly Father who has given me strength for each hour of the journey, and I'm confident He will continue to do so.

As for Kalia and Thayne, praise God their health has been great, so that's a huge blessing!
Me... well we'll just suffice to say that autoimmune diseases (Systemic Lupus to be specific) don't like a lot of stress and a little bit of sleep, so it's been a bit of a struggle with pain management lately to say the least, but I'm still able to move and groove as needed with my monkeys and work and daily routine, so I can't complain.  :)
So in a nutshell... prayers appreciated especially for my little dude Kai, and for his siblings and I as we continue to process his struggles along side of him and adjust daily to the ever present needs of our crazy schedule called life!

Mini reflections from a wandering mind

January 7, 2016
Wow... A new year.  I think I'm still a little shocked it's already another year to be honest.  SO much has happened in just a year's time.  Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was sitting with 2 of my dear friends at Durham Performing Arts Center for their Christmas Eve service, barely able to breathe as I was sobbing gut wrenching sobs.  I had just been served divorce papers as I had walked out the door to meet my friends for church that evening (well 2014 actually... I keep forgetting it's not 2015 anymore!).  The following week I had found out he had filed the papers wrong, so he had to go correct his errors and re-file, only to have them served to me on Valentines Day 2015.  January of this past year we had a massive court hearing... only to have my patience worked on again as we didn't get a ruling on that hearing until the end of March!  February, I was finally officially divorced with correct papers in hand.  April was Kai's Make-A-Wish Gala... one of the most treasured memories of my year to date!  May and June were a whirlwind, trying to help the kids finish up their school years strong, and me adding yet another job to my resume... coaching and managing at TriLife (a local triathlon store near my house).  July started the kids to new schools with a bang... now 2 in middle school (grades 6 and 8), and 2 in elementary (grades 1 and 4).  August I got to take my monkeys on our all time favorite annual trip... Ohio to see all the cousins, then on to Canada to Muskoka cottage country for a week in paradise with my parents!  September was a tough month.  (yep... honesty at it's finest from me).  The x had announced a few weeks after our divorce was final that he was engaged to one of my former closest friends.  September was their wedding.  The brokenness of my sweet babies nearly crushed me.  But again, were it not for their torn and raw hearts, I wouldn't have had the incredible chance to treasure hours upon hours of each of the 4 of them in my arms, drying their tears (along with mine... we should have bought stock in Kleenex Plus Lotion I'm pretty sure!) and reading His promises over and over about our Heavenly Father who promises to bottle our tears and forever and always be Faithful.  If it weren't for those long and sleepless nights from March through into late October, I wouldn't have the incredible raw and honest relationship that I do now with my babies, so for that I'm eternally grateful!  To see my children learn to cling to Jesus and seek Truth in their pain has been a painful yet priceless journey.  You see, their Jesus, my Jesus... He's real.  He's faithful.  He's our Comforter.  He's The best Father a broken child could ever dream of having.  And my monkeys have learned to see Him as our Provider too.  There were days we would pray together that God would somehow provide enough money to get food for that week... and He ALWAYS did!  HE never failed!  My kids saw their sweet innocent prayers answered as tangible "angels" as we call them, would out of the blue drop off a meal saying, put a card in the mail with $ to get us thru that month, or even arrive in person to hand me a grocery gift card or money they felt "God laid on their hearts to drop off", in the EXACT amount of a past due medical bill that they knew nothing about!  I'm telling you... God showed up!!!!  It was an incredible year of learning to trust all over again!!  See when you've walked thru years upon years of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, you get really good at putting up walls.  Giant walls.  Made of cement, so that nobody can hurt you again.  If you never trust and never love, it's easier to "be strong" that way.  But you miss out.  Man do I wish I could tell you how much you miss out on!  And as those walls have been broken down (I would say brick by brick, but it's more like cinder block by cinder block because I'm pretty sure I just went ahead and built a fortress!), I've seen and felt love like I've never experienced in my adult life.  I'm learning (no I haven't quite mastered) to trust.  And it's freeing!  It's beyond words... like this giant bar full of rusty, old, heavy, 45# weights, has been lifted off my back... and my body can dance again (no... you don't want to really see me dance!  I have 2 left feet ... ;) but I love to dance anyways! ).

So today was a day of reflection for me.  If I'm honest, it's been the past few weeks really, but especially today.  See today would have been my 16th wedding anniversary.  Let me stop you before you start pitying me and saying you're sorry... it's ok.  I'm ok.  Really!  I'm actually AWESOME!  I won't pretend (for those who know me well, you know I'm honest, to a fault.  I say it like it is... without too much sugar coating!).  It was a bittersweet day.  With my close friends and family, it was sort of like that elephant in the room... 99% of them afraid to say a word about it so just said nothing instead.  IF it had been a marriage with God at the center, it would have been a great day to celebrate.  But that was far from the case.  So instead of looking back today with regret, I've spent my "looking back" moments today thinking of how thankful I am that even though there were years upon years of hell I walked thru, there were also moments I'm incredibly thankful for.  If it weren't for those years, I wouldn't have my 4 incredible kiddos (aka my monkeys) who are my joy and strength (and challenge!) daily.  If it wasn't for the pain I walked thru, I would have never discovered who God really made me to be, complete with my intense passions and strength I never knew I had that could only come from God.  If it weren't for those years, I would have never learned to say sorry, to own my faults and failures, and to forgive like I never thought was possible (I'm still daily learning the forgiveness part).  I would have never really known the genuine love (and tough love at times too!) of friends and family who loved me enough to speak truth, challenge me, dry my weary and teary eyes, and cover me in prayers when my feeble groans couldn't begin to put into words the deep brokenness of my soul. And if it weren't for those painful and sometimes terrifying and deeply lonely years, I would have never truly seen and felt the love of my Heavenly Groom like I've been able to experience.  Honestly, I wouldn't trade the nightmare for the peace I've found on the other side of the cocoon.  God's given me these incredible wings to fly this past year!
So all this rambling and reflections to say... my precious friends who are struggling, hang on.  Hang on tight to Jesus.  He's a big God and He can handle your anger, your hurt, your pain of betrayal, your brokenness, your shame.  Trust me... He can handle your words too.  There have been days upon days I've ran or cycled, sobbing, cussing, asking God "why".  But He can handle it.  I've been reading in Job recently, and have been challenged by his words... how can we possibly accept good from God but then think life's unfair if we face pain?  This jacked up world is full of sinners with a human nature.  God didn't promise no pain.  In fact He says we WILL have pain.  BUT in that pain... He's still there.  He's still God.  And He's got a plan far bigger and WAY more incredible than we could ever imagine.  Shoot, it's God after all!  If He can breathe a world full of color, creativity, life, and beauty, into existence with just a word, why do I ever doubt His ability to handle my daily drama?!
And give thanks... find things, even the tiniest thing like the smell of your toothpaste, to give thanks for.  :)
So I'm signing off from my ramblings... I can't wait for this year to unfold!  I pray God continues to grow and strengthen me (although I've told Him He's welcome to back off on the lessons in patience for a little bit if He'd so choose! ;) )... and I pray that with the brave wings He's given me, that I soar to new heights of knowing Him this year.  In the blessings and the pain... I pray both my kids and I see Jesus in our daily walks of life.  And I pray we have to courage to be a tangible Jesus to the ones in our paths.  Change is incredibly painful at times.... but SO beautiful too.

From Ashes to Beauty

September 20, 2015

It's been stirring in my heart for a long time now to share "my story", but I've battled the desire to share publicly my struggles and triumphs.  After all, it puts me in a vulnerable spot, and how people may see me after I put it out for all to see could be very different.  I guess I still have some strand of "people pleaser" in me... after all, don't we all?  But recently a well meaning friend made a comment to me saying "well, that's YOUR side of the story.  I'm sure the other side has a different one."  But although she didn't mean that to hurt me, it did.  See being a survivor, you quickly recognize that sometimes sharing your story makes you vulnerable to the looks and judgement of others.  But more importantly than that to me, it gives me a place to relate to others walking in the shoes I've walked.  Shoes that may appear strong on the outside, but on the inside, women (and sometimes men) like me are shattered and broken and desperately need someone who's walked thru the brokenness, and come thru the fire to become a voice willing to listen and fully understand their pain, believing them instead of doubting their story.  I've always said that if God can somehow use my pain for HIS glory, then it's worthwhile.  Little did I know when I first said that 2 years ago that God still had SO much work to do in me, but also how He would use my heartache and healing to speak to my kids in their loss of innocence and bleeding hearts as well.

So I want to backtrack to my childhood.  I was raised in an amazing home with 5 brothers and 1 sister, all super close in age, and with parents who loved us and loved Jesus in a genuine and tangible way more than anyone I have ever known.  My parents are a living breathing walking Jesus.  They are the definition of people who let their actions speak louder than their words.  They walk their faith daily.  They're prayer warriors.  They're the type of people who sacrifice and give to unending measures.  They love fearlessly.  I can't remember exactly how old I was, but I do know all my siblings and I were still spread between elementary, middle and high school, and my dad felt God called him to quit his full time job in computer management to step down to a part-time position so he could go into the inner city of Columbus and serve the homeless.  From that day forward, I remember my family always had a "less fortunate" family living in our home.  Some were there only for a short time, and others stayed months, even years.  We learned to love each family as my dad and mom tried to be a tangible Jesus and teach them life skills and help them find jobs so they could be on their own and be a "productive member of society".  There was everything from single moms with their kids, to addicts trying desperately to get clean, to Satanists who were trying to escape the cult of lies to spare the lives of their 2 beautiful children who were meant to be born to be sacrificed, to college students from a foreign country who had no family so were lonely and needed a family away from home to love on them.  My parents were that and more to each of them.  Each lonely and hurting in their own ways, and just needing a tangible touch of Jesus' love.  A God kiss as I call it.  My parents are the reason I learned to give and love.  They didn't just talk the talk.  They walked the walk.  They weren't afraid to love, and to show tough love too.

I learned to love without boundaries at a young age.  Love didn't see color or status in society.  Love just loved for who they were.

It was during those young years of life that my innocence was first stolen.  I think that's why it breaks my heart so desperately watching the innocence of my own 4 kids be taken from them thru the nightmare of the circumstances surrounding my divorce.  I used to love to play school with my friends.  We had a room in the basement that we set up with desks and a giant chalkboard and we'd play for hours.  I guess that's a perk to having so many siblings and neighbors... there was always kids to have to be your "students" in class and I could play teacher :)  I remember vividly playing with my best friend at the time.  We were setting up our class and the person staying at our house at the time was downstairs in his room.  I don't remember all the details of what happened next, but the next thing I remember was him touching my friend and I in ways I knew were totally wrong but I didn't know what to do.  Fear kept us quiet.  I don't know how long after that I got up the courage to tell my dad, but I remember the anger in my dad's face as he put that man in his car with all his belongings and drove him to the bus stop and told him to never come back.  I was damaged more on that day than I would ever realize until much later on in my adult life.  I buried that day deeply.  Honestly so deeply that I "forgot" about it until just a few years ago when going thru some intense counseling I'll share about a bit later.  But I realize now how it began to shape me.

I became an insecure teen.  I struggled to "fit in" through middle and high school.  I desperately wanted what I think everyone wants deep down... people to love them, think they're fantastic, and admire them.  I always tried to "be the best".  I played Ice Hockey on an all guys team in an all guys league.  I sucked, but I played :)  I played Lacrosse and loved every minute of it (that one I was actually decent at!  lol).  I partied with the best of them, and could drink most of my friends under the table, and then hid it all from my parents and would show up to church the next day and sing with the best of them there.  I moved on to college to do the same.  I was supposed to go to Ohio State and play lacrosse, but I had a big knee injury playing ice hockey and ended up changing plans at the last minute due to having to have surgery, and headed off to Liberty University instead.  For those who know Liberty back in the day, it was a school FULL of rules.  I guess I made it my mission to break every one of those rules as fast as possible. :/  I continued my party lifestyle.  I remember getting caught by one of the deans at the time, and he made me call my mom and tell her what I'd done (I had gotten caught drinking at a guys house off campus).  I remember sobbing, not because of what I'd done necessarily, but because I knew I had disappointed my parents.
My insecurities continued to grow... from a struggle with anorexia, to a serious relationship with my best friend at the time.  We dated 2 years and planned our wedding for after graduation.  God had different plans up His sleeves though... I've come to realize that happens often :)  His plans aren't my plans.  My senior year of university, I got sick.  Excruciating pain daily sick.  My hands and feet swelled to twice their normal size.  I lost total feeling in my left hand and right foot.  Doctors had no clue what was going wrong.  I refused to stop school, so I would scoot on my rear down the stairs of my apartment, hobble with the help of my roommates and/or boyfriend to my car, and then to class.  Doctors were at a loss and just kept increasing my doses of prednisone to try to kill the pain.  Before long, I was up to 80mg a day and still fighting incredible pain.  They ran test after test.  And after what felt like ages, they finally came up with a diagnosis... Systemic Lupus.  They said it would be bad and I needed to plan accordingly.  My boyfriend couldn't handle that and jumped ship.  Honestly, who could blame him.  But I was determined to fight the odds.  I up an moved to Colorado with two of my best friends right after graduation.  I was determined not to let the Lupus control me.  I lasted a few months before the pain became unbearable and I had to catch a flight home to head to the hospital for what ended up being a month of IV treatments.

What I left out above was that right after that breakup, I met the person who would soon become my husband.  It was a long distance relationship from the start.  There was no cell phones or e-mail back then, so we wrote letters and talked on the phone.  I lived out west, and he lived out east.  I moved back home to go to the hospital.  He stayed east and came to visit.  Before the end of that summer, we were engaged.  I've realized now that there's some of us who so desperately want a relationship that we just jump into the first available that seems to "feel" right.  We don't take the time to step back and evaluate and listen to the counsel of others.  We think we know best and plow forward.  Hindsight is always 20/20... but I fully own that I plowed ahead.  By January of the next year, less than a year after meeting, I was married.

Both of us were stubborn and strong willed.  Within the first 2 years of marriage, and an overwhelming amount of conflict, we moved 6 times within 2 states.  Tension continued to rise when we started having kids.  We sucked at communication.  I knew every button to push that would make him angry, and he knew mine.  "Discussions" became quickly heated, and voices raised.  I wasn't a very good wife in a lot of areas.  I was good at shutting down and putting up walls when arguments started.  That only added fuel to the fire, and I quickly was labeled with various unpleasant, nasty names.  What started as verbal abuse quickly escalated with kids on the scene.  It was then the physical started.  I was slammed against walls and thrown onto the sofa so that I could be pinned in a spot where I would "listen" to what he wanted to say and I wouldn't just walk away (as I was good at doing when my walls went up).  I've heard it asked a million times over "why didn't you just leave".  Great question.  And from the voice of a victim, I don't have an answer.  Maybe it was fear?  Maybe it was that I desperately wanted my marriage to work?  Maybe it was because I really did make those vows before God and wanted to honor them?  Maybe it was because I had some glimmer of hope every time an "incident" happened and then the apology and "it'll never happen again", that once and for all that really would be the end of it?  I don't know.  All I know is that I stayed silent.  For 10 years I never breathed a word to a soul.  I remember when the final straw happened late one night... after being wakened by shouting and my phone being crushed before my eyes because my phone records had been searched and I had talked with my best friend out west for 8 minutes and 22 seconds that I hadn't reported that day, I knew it was time.  After a heated argument, I dodged and locked myself in the commode of the master bathroom.  I knelt at the toilet and sobbed, begging God to wake me up and make this all just a bad dream.  When the pounding on the door finally quieted, I heard footsteps go back downstairs and I vividly remember climbing quietly back in bed, tears still streaming down my face.  But the battle wasn't over.  Suddenly I was pinned to my bed with an arm bar across my neck, and my quiet tears turned into desperate sobs of fear.  "God let me breathe.  Please.  My kids need me."  I fought and wrestled, begged and cried.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity but in reality was probably only a few minutes, he stormed out of the house.  I remember finding an old cell phone (we didn't have a home phone so all I had was internet and some old phone I found) and calling a friend at the time who lived nearby.  I sobbed and begged for help.  They found him out driving around, and came over to mediate.  I was told I was disrespecting my marriage by talking to my friend, and although his actions were wrong, if I hadn't talked to my friend (who was a male, yes, but my best friend since middle school!), then this wouldn't have happened.  I can honestly say that night, I threw in the towel.  I don't give up.  Ever.  But that night, I was done.  My walls went up full force.  I was determined that I would just walk on eggshells to get by until my kids graduated from high school and I could leave.  I didn't want my kids to face divorce.  That's not what I wanted them to see.  I was determined to pretend... fake it until I made it to their graduation.  I started counseling.  I'd never opened up to anyone about my struggles before.  I grew up relating to men better than women, probably because I had 5 brothers, so I just seemed to relate better.  But I wasn't "allowed" to have friendships with men anymore, so I had female "acquaintances".  Nobody I could fully trust though.  Except my counselor.  Over the course of the next 2 years, I gradually opened up to her.  She was my safe place.  She invested hours upon hours into my life, helping me uncover the incredibly deep wounds of my past.  She encouraged me to find women I could relate to.  Women who would push me closer to Jesus.  We had changed churches, and the church we attended had a women's Bible study so I thought I'd try that.  It was incredibly out of my comfort zone.  The women cried a lot.  I didn't cry about anything.  They poured out their hearts.  I didn't trust anyone enough to even scratch the surface of that.  At first.  Over the course of the next year though, God worked in my heart.  I began to soften.  I began to trust tiny pieces of myself and my story with these girls.  Some of them even became my good friends who I ended up taking little "get away" trips with and girls nights out with.  My schedule began to change as his job changed... again.  He was now on to job #5.  We had now gone thru another half a dozen moves, and multiple other job changes, and my schedule became increasingly difficult to escape during the day to get to Bible study.  Tension continued to be like a pressure cooker at home... I would walk on egg shells for a long time, and then I'd slip and say something that would make the pot explode.  One day, when that pot exploded, but instead of me being the brunt of the anger this time, it was one of my kids.  It was a nightmare unfolding in front of my eyes that still haunts me to this day.  The terror in their eyes and the trembling sobs of my babies are burned into my mind forever.  I can't begin to describe how many times I've begged God to remove that awful night from my kid's memories.  I still pray He does.  I won't go into detail because I honestly can't bring myself to put it onto paper yet, but it was the breaking point where I knew that the marriage was over.  There was no way I would make it until the kids finished high school.  I was done.  And for the emotional health and safety of both myself and my kids, we needed out.

And so it was over.  I asked him to leave.  My dad came down and helped me.  Now when I say that, please know that my dad did not in any way support divorce.  He just wanted us to separate to both work on our own messes.  We were both a train wreck and needed serious help.  In all honesty, I don't know that I even realized just how much of a toll it had all taken on me until now.  We had been married 14 years.  I had only begun to scratch the surface of my pain with my counselor that I'd been seeing for nearly 2 years at that point.  I needed help.  So did he.  So did our kids.  I had the separation agreement drawn up, mainly because I was terrified about what could happen.  I spent the next few months making myself as busy as possible to kill the pain.  The more busy I was the less time I would have to think about the pain.  And on the nights I was alone while my kids were with him, I drank so I could fall asleep and not just toss and turn as my mind raced.  Not healthy I know.  But it's honest.  I met with my counselor weekly.  I had begun to have horrific flashbacks at night, and was fighting unrealistic fears.  PTSD was real in a whole new way.  I found myself alone in so many ways I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around.  I poured my time into my job and my kids when I had them.  Those girls I had started to trust and hang with... they turned their backs and walked away.  I received letters of judgment and hate from ones who used to say "I love you" and "I'm so thankful you're family".  I guess in hindsight I was too much drama and hurt, and after all, who really wants to hang with "Debbie downer" all the time.  I was alone.  Me.  God.  My kids.  And a whole lot of people that I could put on a brave face and smile for, but would go home and lie down and cry because none of them really knew what was behind that smile.  I decided to join Divorce Care.  It was one of the best decisions I ever made during those months of pain.  Little did I know God had a precious friend in that group that would soon become on of my closest and dearest friends.  And two other girls who had been "acquaintances" up until then, suddenly began to invest in my life and share their personal stories with me.  Both had walked thru painful divorces.  One, multiple divorces.  The other, a marriage and divorce from a narcissistic abuser where our stories are eerily similar to the hell I was walking.  All three women, God gave me to push me towards Jesus.  They wrapped their arms around my broken and messy self, and gave me courage to hold on.

I found out only about 3 months into our separation that my ex was seeing one of those Bible study friends.  Talk about a painful stab.  But it also explained why the others had walked away during my time of crisis.  I'm not going to dwell on that because it is what it is.  I have worked thru a lot of pain and hurt from that betrayal and from the betrayal of others thru it all.  I honestly pray she's able to be something to him that I could never be, because God forbid my poor children (and hers too) have to walk thru yet another nasty divorce.  I've told my kids over and over, forgiveness lets you out of your own prison.  I've walked it.  I know it's true first hand.  It's a daily choice, sometimes hourly.

So I come to today.  Less than a week away from my ex getting married to that girl.  My emotions have gone from extreme highs to lowest of valleys.  But I sit and look back and honestly am completely overwhelmed with thankfulness for how far God has brought me.  I've no where near arrived, but I can see a rainbow after the storm now.  It's still drizzling rain, and sometimes pouring, but the hurricane has settled a bit.  I'm surrounded by the most incredible prayer warrior and encouraging team of my family that anyone could ever ask for.  My parents have stepped up to love on me, encourage me, and surround my kids and I with DAILY strength and scriptures.  My siblings have loved hard.  They've all asked me tough questions and loved me with unconditional love.  They've gone to bat for me when I feel like I have nothing left in me to fight anymore.  My incredible support network of friends both far and near have loved on me like I've never felt love before.  I can honestly say I've never had such incredible love from female friends in my life as I've been flooded with the past 2 years especially.  And my male friends continue to keep me grounded... pushing myself with my competitive side and knowing this girl needs to get a solid hardcore sweat on before she can face a tough day :)  And my kids... whoever said kids are resilient was right.  BUT I would argue that behind that resilience, they are fragile and innocent little miracles who just need stability and to know that they're loved beyond a shadow of a doubt.  I'm SO thankful God picked me to be that tangible face of strength and love to them right now.  I've wiped more tears from their weary eyes, and pinched more snotty boogers from their drippy noses the past few months than I ever wanted to see fall from their precious faces in their lifetime.  I've pointed them to Jesus because I have no answers for their hurting hearts.  A lot of the questions they ask are the same ones I ask.  They've slept in my arms more nights than I can begin to count.  And I wouldn't trade a single night for the world.  Because it's in those dark nights when the lights are out that their tears fall and they ask the tough questions and bare their bleeding hearts.  They're perceptive.  Bright beyond their years.  Innocence has been robbed from them.  But I hold to Hope, believing that God will use them and their story in mighty ways one day, for HIS glory.

If it weren't for my years of brokenness, I wouldn't know my Jesus like I know Him today.  I wouldn't believe it were possible to have friends like I do.  I would have never been able to see God provide in literally miraculous ways for the kids and I for our basic needs like food and money for bills.  And my kids would never have been able to see a mom who went from a bitter and broken victim, to a woman who can stand tall and smile and know that with forgiveness and letting go, healing comes.