As I sit here thinking over the past year, I don't have words of wisdom to offer or giant new years resolutions to broadcast. I just want to be a girl who doesn't focus on looking back on the past... the past is behind me now. I'm not going that way. I want to look forward and up. I want to be a mom that my kids see as a reflection of Jesus. I've been a single mom to my 4 wild, crazy, amazing, precious monkeys for well over a year now. It's been an incredible challenge and blessing all at the same time. I wouldn't trade my moments with them over this past year for anything. I've failed a lot as a mom, and I know that, but I also know God's faithfulness has held my 4 monkeys tight this past year as they've walked a road from hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My closest friends and family have been a blessing beyond words... providing laughter in the pain, hugs, limitless prayers of intersession for my often wordless tears of agony and anger and hurt, encouragement for me on the days I thought I couldn't face another moment, listening ears and a sounding board for my thoughts that seem to never stop, and even fantastic workouts to try to sweat out the frustrations :)
I usually try to only blog from a place of a positive attitude... on a "good day" as I now call them. So fair warning... today isn't one of those days. As I spent the day with my kids today walking paths and running thru parks, I got to spend a lot of time thinking of the lessons I've learned this past year. I want to learn from those. I want to grow. I want look back on 2015 at the end of December and say WOW, God really used my messy, broken pieces to make some amazingly beautiful mosaic over the past year!
Christmas Eve morning, 13 months after my initial separation, I was served divorce papers by my soon-to-be-ex. I won't lie. I fell apart. That day, he won another moment of control. This time over my emotions. He destroyed me. Again. But only for the day. My precious close friends and family far and near walked that day from hell with me. They prayed me thru it and loved me in spite of myself. God knew I needed the hours of alone time that day that I had with Him. HE wrapped His faithful arms around me as I curled on the sofa that afternoon. You see, I can't tell you how many times I've begged God to make the pain stop. I've struggled with extreme anger the past few months at the sick and twisted mess my divorce has ended up being. I guess you could say I've wrestled with God. I was angry with Him too for not showing justice. For not showing answers loud and clear like I (in my feeble, silly, know-it-all-self way) thought He should. On the sofa that day, in my "forced" (by God) time to be still (because I couldn't function any other way!), He whispered to my soul. Nothing extravagant, no mysteries revealed or answers given, but just whispered that He was there. I genuinely believe He was shedding some tears right along side me too as He held me under His wing that afternoon. I cried, cursed, begged, pleaded, and finally just lay quietly, tears streaming, listening to some old "comfort" music. See, music has a way of touching my soul in my deepest of parts. I may not be a fantastic singer, but that's ok because I love to sing anyways and those around me can either ignore me or join in my often off-tune belting it out :) I had my music playing that evening as I showered and tried to dry the tears before my kids arrived. There's a pretty well known song in the "Christian" world right now called Oceans... the lyrics spoke to me that day like they'd never done before: "... when oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace...Your grace abounds in deepest waters...where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and you won't start now..." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw
Faithful. That summed up my year of my journey with God this past year. Him showing me His faithfulness over and over, day after day, hour by hour. In spite of my faults and failures, in spite of my anger and pain, in spite of my mess... His grace never stopped, and His faithfulness continued. In my broken stillness on Christmas Eve (and the following days after), God has reminded me of that gentle truth. To wrap my arms around my kids late that Christmas Eve night when he finally dropped them off was the best tangible balm for my brokenness that a girl could ever ask for. Four priceless, tangible gifts God gave me "for such a time as this".
So this New Year... 2015... I'm sure will have plenty of it's own ups and downs, but I'm excited to see what God's got!
As some of my close friends know already, Kai was chosen by Make-A-Wish Eastern Carolina to be the honored child at their gala this spring! So this April, Kai will be the featured Make-A-Wish recipient at the black tie affair (my girls are SO excited and have already chosen their gala dresses!) here in Raleigh!! I can't even begin to describe how incredibly excited I am, and honored that my precious little fighter was chosen. Make-A-Wish and an incredible team of partners are making a professional video of Kai and his battle with his disease (AOA2), as well as his story of getting diagnosed, being chosen for his wish to be granted (going to Hawaii this past spring and learning to surf!!), and what that's meant to him. It's SUCH an incredibly rare and unresearched disease, and they are going to allow me to use this video to hopefully launch incredible awareness and more research on his rare neuro-muscular condition. The video will be shown at the gala, and then I will be able to use it in the future to help promote additional research for Ataxia with Oculomotor Apraxia Type 2!! Stay tuned and I'll post updates :)
So it's a new year... new beginnings... new lessons to be learned... new blessings to discover daily...
Here's to 2015... to finding JOY in the journey!!
It’s nice to know you’re doing fine lately. The battle you’ve gone through is tough, but you've held up quite well. Getting a divorce can be very painful, but it’s not the end of the road. In fact, it can open some new opportunities in life, things that you may not have thought were applicable to you before. It makes you see and find the better you, after all the hardships that you have come to endure.
ReplyDeleteAudrey Butler @ The law office of Amy E. Goodblatt, P.A