Surrender...

So I've learned I still have a lot to learn about surrender.  For people like me, who love to have control and order in life, surrender is especially challenging.  I'm type A.  Very much so.  Everything has a place.  An order.  A reason.  And when it doesn't, and I can't get it organized to fit how I want it to, I feel very out of control and struggle.  Surrendering that control and letting God have it is tough.  VERY tough.

As most of you know by now... it's been a rough past week especially.  Wednesday, January 7, I should have been celebrating my 15th anniversary.  When you get married, you have all these fantastic hopes and dreams of what your forever future.  When forever ends very different from your dreams, it rocks your world.  So instead of having a 15th anniversary, I had a first anniversary of celebrating ME and who I am created to be by my loving Father who already knew this road I would walk and has been faithful from the start.

Fast forward to Friday... it was a day that had been on the calendar for nearly 6 months and had been a cloud overhead since.  It was court day.  We had 2 prior court dates scheduled that Kevin had gotten a continuance on, so it all piled on to one day.  It's times like this you realize who those incredible warriors are who are with you thru the thick and thin of the battle and storm.  Covered in prayer and with the incredible support of my family and a few very close friends, I headed downtown to the courthouse.  Let me back up to way before the sun came up Friday morning.  I hadn't slept hardly a wink the past few weeks, as God just seemed to want to whisper to me in the quiet of the night (I'm still chatting with him about changing up that schedule as it makes it rather challenging to function during the day on minimal sleep!  hehe!).  4am my body was awake and couldn't rest at all.  I lay in the dark with my iTunes playing talking to God about all my fears and anxiety about that long awaited day.  I finally switched on a little lamp and opened my Bible, searching for peace for my racing mind and aching heart.  My Bible fell open to Psalms 17/18.   "Hide me in the shadow of Your wings (17:8)... I love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock in whom I take refuge (18:1)... In my distress I called upon The Lord...He heard my voice (18:6)... He took me... He delivered me... He rescued me, because He delighted in me (18:16-19)..."  In the quiet dark of my room, God tugged on my heart.  See Friday, I was headed to court to fight.  I was well prepared, and so was my attorney.  I am not ashamed to say I was fighting hard for full custody of my kids, and for fair pay from child support and PSS (post separation support).  It broke my heart to send my kids to a house I knew wasn't teaching them the morals and values I so desperately longed for my kids to see and know, and not to mention the fact that my heart's biggest fear was that my kids were still being ruled by intimidation and verbal assaults because I wasn't there to buffer it.  I had my case well prepared and we knew without a doubt we would fight as hard as possible to win the uphill battle.  
But in the quiet of the morning, God did something in my heart.  I'm pretty sure it was because of the faithful prayers of some of you closest to my journey, but in my stubbornness before, I hadn't been willing to listen... until that morning.  God softened my heart.  He whispered to me to just let it go.  To give it to Him and let Him see justice be done.  So trembling and fearful as I entered the courtroom Friday morning, I approached my attorney and told him we needed to talk.  I told him I was willing to just settle on the child support and PSS and that I was trying to just trust God to provide the rest.  And as for our custody fight, I told him I didn't want to fight for full custody anymore.  I wanted to just state the facts and let the judge decide the rest.  You see, I never wanted my kids to not see their dad.  I believe with all my heart a child needs their dad.  But I wanted desperately for them to have a healthy home on both sides, and until that happened my fears gripped me and my type A needing consistency and order took over.  But Friday morning, God broke me and I surrendered that to Him.  I gave Him my fears, and my kids.  After all, He loves them way more than I could ever even dream of loving them, so I've got to trust that He will protect them when I can't.  A few months ago, my counselor and friend had challenged me to open my hands whenever I felt the need to surrender something.  A tangible way to remind myself to let go and let God handle it.  So Friday, as I took the stand, with trembling hands I opened my palms under the table and testified.  It's God's fight, and my faith, although tested daily right now, is in my Jesus, who loves me more than words can describe and knows the deep aches in my soul from the past years of pain.  HE's got this.

So after a VERY long day in court... we left with a few orders, and some yet to be determined.  The judge will send the final custody arrangement and orders later this week.  The details of all the various orders don't need to be broadcasted.  But I will say that I'm at peace.  It's in His hands.  I can look in the mirror now and smile, knowing that I surrendered it to Him and He will bring justice... maybe not in my time frame, but in His perfect timing.  He is faithful.  He will provide for my kids and I in ways I can't even begin to imagine.  And He will protect my kids in every way when I cannot.  I've just got to keep surrendering... over a over... hour by hour (because that's what it's taking right now for me to trust I did the right thing!)...

New Year... New beginnings...

It's hard to believe it's January 1, 2015.  I must admit, I'm not one bit sad to see 2014 go.  It was a year of THE toughest challenges... the highest highs and the lowest lows... a year of laughter and tears like none other.  I'm thankful to see it go.  I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned or the friends God's given me this past year for any amount of money though, so for that I'm eternally thankful.

As I sit here thinking over the past year, I don't have words of wisdom to offer or giant new years resolutions to broadcast.  I just want to be a girl who doesn't focus on looking back on the past... the past is behind me now.  I'm not going that way.  I want to look forward and up.  I want to be a mom that my kids see as a reflection of Jesus.  I've been a single mom to my 4 wild, crazy, amazing, precious monkeys for well over a year now.  It's been an incredible challenge and blessing all at the same time.  I wouldn't trade my moments with them over this past year for anything.  I've failed a lot as a mom, and I know that, but I also know God's faithfulness has held my 4 monkeys tight this past year as they've walked a road from hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  My closest friends and family have been a blessing beyond words... providing laughter in the pain, hugs, limitless prayers of intersession for my often wordless tears of agony and anger and hurt, encouragement for me on the days I thought I couldn't face another moment, listening ears and a sounding board for my thoughts that seem to never stop, and even fantastic workouts to try to sweat out the frustrations :)

I usually try to only blog from a place of a positive attitude... on a "good day" as I now call them.  So fair warning... today isn't one of those days.  As I spent the day with my kids today walking paths and running thru parks, I got to spend a lot of time thinking of the lessons I've learned this past year.  I want to learn from those.  I want to grow.  I want look back on 2015 at the end of December and say WOW, God really used my messy, broken pieces to make some amazingly beautiful mosaic over the past year!
Christmas Eve morning, 13 months after my initial separation, I was served divorce papers by my soon-to-be-ex.  I won't lie.  I fell apart.  That day, he won another moment of control.  This time over my emotions.  He destroyed me.  Again.  But only for the day.  My precious close friends and family far and near walked that day from hell with me.  They prayed me thru it and loved me in spite of myself.  God knew I needed the hours of alone time that day that I had with Him.  HE wrapped His faithful arms around me as I curled on the sofa that afternoon.  You see, I can't tell you how many times I've begged God to make the pain stop.  I've struggled with extreme anger the past few months at the sick and twisted mess my divorce has ended up being.  I guess you could say I've wrestled with God.  I was angry with Him too for not showing justice.  For not showing answers loud and clear like I (in my feeble, silly, know-it-all-self way) thought He should.  On the sofa that day, in my "forced" (by God) time to be still (because I couldn't function any other way!), He whispered to my soul.  Nothing extravagant, no mysteries revealed or answers given, but just whispered that He was there.  I genuinely believe He was shedding some tears right along side me too as He held me under His wing that afternoon.  I cried, cursed, begged, pleaded, and finally just lay quietly, tears streaming, listening to some old "comfort" music.  See, music has a way of touching my soul in my deepest of parts.  I may not be a fantastic singer, but that's ok because I love to sing anyways and those around me can either ignore me or join in my often off-tune belting it out :)  I had my music playing that evening as I showered and tried to dry the tears before my kids arrived.  There's a pretty well known song in the "Christian" world right now called Oceans... the lyrics spoke to me that day like they'd never done before:  "... when oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace...Your grace abounds in deepest waters...where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and you won't start now..."  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw 

Faithful.  That summed up my year of my journey with God this past year.  Him showing me His faithfulness over and over, day after day, hour by hour.  In spite of my faults and failures, in spite of my anger and pain, in spite of my mess... His grace never stopped, and His faithfulness continued.  In my broken stillness on Christmas Eve (and the following days after), God has reminded me of that gentle truth.  To wrap my arms around my kids late that Christmas Eve night when he finally dropped them off was the best tangible balm for my brokenness that a girl could ever ask for.  Four priceless, tangible gifts God gave me "for such a time as this".

So this New Year... 2015... I'm sure will have plenty of it's own ups and downs, but I'm excited to see what God's got!
As some of my close friends know already, Kai was chosen by Make-A-Wish Eastern Carolina to be the honored child at their gala this spring!  So this April, Kai will be the featured Make-A-Wish recipient at the black tie affair (my girls are SO excited and have already chosen their gala dresses!) here in Raleigh!!  I can't even begin to describe how incredibly excited I am, and honored that my precious little fighter was chosen.  Make-A-Wish and an incredible team of partners are making a professional video of Kai and his battle with his disease (AOA2), as well as his story of getting diagnosed, being chosen for his wish to be granted (going to Hawaii this past spring and learning to surf!!), and what that's meant to him.  It's SUCH an incredibly rare and unresearched disease, and they are going to allow me to use this video to hopefully launch incredible awareness and more research on his rare neuro-muscular condition.  The video will be shown at the gala, and then I will be able to use it in the future to help promote additional research for Ataxia with Oculomotor Apraxia Type 2!!  Stay tuned and I'll post updates :)

So it's a new year... new beginnings... new lessons to be learned... new blessings to discover daily...
Here's to 2015... to finding JOY in the journey!!