As most of you know by now... it's been a rough past week especially. Wednesday, January 7, I should have been celebrating my 15th anniversary. When you get married, you have all these fantastic hopes and dreams of what your forever future. When forever ends very different from your dreams, it rocks your world. So instead of having a 15th anniversary, I had a first anniversary of celebrating ME and who I am created to be by my loving Father who already knew this road I would walk and has been faithful from the start.
Fast forward to Friday... it was a day that had been on the calendar for nearly 6 months and had been a cloud overhead since. It was court day. We had 2 prior court dates scheduled that Kevin had gotten a continuance on, so it all piled on to one day. It's times like this you realize who those incredible warriors are who are with you thru the thick and thin of the battle and storm. Covered in prayer and with the incredible support of my family and a few very close friends, I headed downtown to the courthouse. Let me back up to way before the sun came up Friday morning. I hadn't slept hardly a wink the past few weeks, as God just seemed to want to whisper to me in the quiet of the night (I'm still chatting with him about changing up that schedule as it makes it rather challenging to function during the day on minimal sleep! hehe!). 4am my body was awake and couldn't rest at all. I lay in the dark with my iTunes playing talking to God about all my fears and anxiety about that long awaited day. I finally switched on a little lamp and opened my Bible, searching for peace for my racing mind and aching heart. My Bible fell open to Psalms 17/18. "Hide me in the shadow of Your wings (17:8)... I love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock in whom I take refuge (18:1)... In my distress I called upon The Lord...He heard my voice (18:6)... He took me... He delivered me... He rescued me, because He delighted in me (18:16-19)..." In the quiet dark of my room, God tugged on my heart. See Friday, I was headed to court to fight. I was well prepared, and so was my attorney. I am not ashamed to say I was fighting hard for full custody of my kids, and for fair pay from child support and PSS (post separation support). It broke my heart to send my kids to a house I knew wasn't teaching them the morals and values I so desperately longed for my kids to see and know, and not to mention the fact that my heart's biggest fear was that my kids were still being ruled by intimidation and verbal assaults because I wasn't there to buffer it. I had my case well prepared and we knew without a doubt we would fight as hard as possible to win the uphill battle.
But in the quiet of the morning, God did something in my heart. I'm pretty sure it was because of the faithful prayers of some of you closest to my journey, but in my stubbornness before, I hadn't been willing to listen... until that morning. God softened my heart. He whispered to me to just let it go. To give it to Him and let Him see justice be done. So trembling and fearful as I entered the courtroom Friday morning, I approached my attorney and told him we needed to talk. I told him I was willing to just settle on the child support and PSS and that I was trying to just trust God to provide the rest. And as for our custody fight, I told him I didn't want to fight for full custody anymore. I wanted to just state the facts and let the judge decide the rest. You see, I never wanted my kids to not see their dad. I believe with all my heart a child needs their dad. But I wanted desperately for them to have a healthy home on both sides, and until that happened my fears gripped me and my type A needing consistency and order took over. But Friday morning, God broke me and I surrendered that to Him. I gave Him my fears, and my kids. After all, He loves them way more than I could ever even dream of loving them, so I've got to trust that He will protect them when I can't. A few months ago, my counselor and friend had challenged me to open my hands whenever I felt the need to surrender something. A tangible way to remind myself to let go and let God handle it. So Friday, as I took the stand, with trembling hands I opened my palms under the table and testified. It's God's fight, and my faith, although tested daily right now, is in my Jesus, who loves me more than words can describe and knows the deep aches in my soul from the past years of pain. HE's got this.
So after a VERY long day in court... we left with a few orders, and some yet to be determined. The judge will send the final custody arrangement and orders later this week. The details of all the various orders don't need to be broadcasted. But I will say that I'm at peace. It's in His hands. I can look in the mirror now and smile, knowing that I surrendered it to Him and He will bring justice... maybe not in my time frame, but in His perfect timing. He is faithful. He will provide for my kids and I in ways I can't even begin to imagine. And He will protect my kids in every way when I cannot. I've just got to keep surrendering... over a over... hour by hour (because that's what it's taking right now for me to trust I did the right thing!)...
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