Letting Go and Pressing Ahead

March 26, 2015

It's been another long while I know... I often avoid writing when I'm processing and it's been a whirlwind month of change.  Lots of amazing and wonderful days, balanced out with lots of incredible challenges being used to stretch and grow and strengthen me.  A lot of hours and tears spent alone with God, questioning, seeking and healing wounds that ran incredibly deep in my soul.

Valentines Day of 2015, I officially became a divorced single mom.  I was served my final divorce papers that morning.  (for those who've read my older blogs... Yes, I was served divorce papers on Christmas Eve, but he filed them wrong so he had to correct the errors and I was served the corrected and final ones on Valentines Day) It was officially the start of a new chapter in my life.  It was a bittersweet day, I won't lie.  The finality of it all set in hard.  I struggled with feeling like I had a "scarlet letter" and would always be defined by that.  I waged war on that thought, realizing that it was a lie being used to eat at my soul.  I was not labeled with a big "D".  I am defined 110% by God alone and who He says I am.  I am a free, strong, daughter of the King.  My painful past does not define me.  It is scars, yes, but scars that make me unique and beautiful.  A woman who God will use in amazing ways in His time.  So the past month has been a month of God gathering all the pieces of my broken self and putting them back together... a mosaic of sorts... something new and beautiful that's still a work in progress.  I jokingly told a friend the other day that I'm pretty sure this past month God has made himself a new and stunning salt water aquarium in heaven this past month... after all, He says He gathers our tears in a bottle, but I'm pretty sure mine overflowed that bottle so He went ahead and filled the aquarium (with stunning sea life too I'm certain!!) :)

But to be honest, I wouldn't trade these desperate broken times for anything, because I know God has used them to change me.  I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy, but I wouldn't trade the lessons I've learned.  He's worked on areas in the depths of my soul that I never would have allowed Him to touch before.  I've learned to let go and look up (yep!  new ink coming to remind me of that too!!).  I've found that a lot of the time, my looking up comes when I'm lying flat on my face on my living room floor.  When I feel I don't have the strength to stand to face another one of the battles waging war on my precious babies and I, and when my body is racked with sobs, God reaches over and touches me there.  There's a sweet healing that comes from just letting go and staying quiet.  I can't put it into words, but there's a peace that just holds the broken pieces as HE whispers "I am here.  I've got this."

I've learned to enjoy the God kisses daily... to look for them as His sweet reminders that He is faithful.  I said it earlier I know, but I spent a lot of the past year of my separation before the divorce was actually final, questioning God.  Why God?  Why did you choose me to be the mom of a child with special needs that are so rare nobody even knows what to say or do for my sweet boy except document him as though he's a science experiment?  Why did you allow me to move to NC, away from OH, from all my family who would drop everything in a heartbeat to help me and cry with me and fight along side of me, but instead I'm here, over 8 hours away?  Why did God allow me to get into a marriage that was full of struggles and pain and abuse?  Why couldn't the good in the marriage win over the bad and make it last?  Why did God allow a former close friend of mine to start dating the man I was separated from when she was supposed to be walking this painful road with me?  Why did a whole circle of my closest friends abandon me in my darkest hour without even a single word?  Why God?  Why did you choose me to be a single mom of 4 precious kids who desperately needed a family?  Why?

I grew up thinking it was wrong to question God.  But I have come to realize that asking God the big "Why" questions is ok.  Because for me, it was in those desperate moments of asking why that I discovered a whole new relationship with Jesus.  I realized He wants the real and raw me.  He already knows my hearts questions and desires and hurts, so voicing them gave me a new and real relationship with Him.  And in those moments, I realized that there's not a lot of answers to my "whys".  Many of the things were just things allowed because of poor choices, and others were just because God chose me out of all the women in the world because He has a special plan for me as His daughter, and He wants to use the pain to grow me and bring Himself glory through my story.  And I am trusting that somehow, and someway, He will.

I've heard it said that a butterfly is only beautiful because it has gone thru the darkest of times wrapped tight in the cocoon, only to emerge as something stunningly beautiful.  So I guess God just has me in the cocoon... but I'm also pretty sure I am seeing some peep holes of light from my cocoon :)

There have been SO many of you who have covered myself and my precious kids in prayer thru this journey.  And especially over the past week, you've prayed, and some of you have even wept tears with me over the incredible pain.  Thank you.  Each of you know who you are and I'm grateful beyond words.  As the week winds down, I'm thankful as I can look back and see His faithfulness.  There's the verse in the Bible (I'm horrible with where verses are found) that says "He covers us under the shadow of His wings."  I love that... it means we are held tight by His side, right by His heart.  This week He held my kids and I tight.  On Monday afternoon, my ex of a month announced to my kids and I that he's engaged to that girl.  I won't lie.  I wanted to hurl.  My kids were a train wreck.  God knew I would need my sister to just hold my hand as I shook and wept and begged God to take away the pain.  He knew my kids would need their cousins to bring smiles thru their tears.  He brought just the right friends to both myself and my kids this week to help them process thru their confused and aching hearts.  God kisses.  And last night as my sweet little 8 yr old curled up in my bed in the middle of the night and I dried her tears for the hundredth time this week, I thanked God for choosing me to be their mom, and for giving me the strength to take this journey one moment at a time and to point my kids to Jesus.  So although the hurt hasn't stopped and that aquarium is still growing in heaven :) ... I'm finding joy in the moment, thanksgiving in the storm, and God kisses in the rain.