God Kisses

December 20, 2016

It's been a while again since I've written, but life has been INSANE so no time to sit and actually think until now, as classes have finally finished for the semester and I finally have a few moments to breathe before school starts up at Duke!  This is just TOO good not to write down, if nothing else but for my memories... but I'm hoping and praying this post is an encouragement for my fellow peeps who are struggling with their faith and trust in a Sovereign God who genuinely loves His children right now, right where we are without life all figured out, but in our messes. 
I know I wrote back a few months ago about the miracle of Duke school of Nursing.  Yep... HUGE miracle.  Little 'ol me, who graduated from college way back in 1999, got accepted to one of the top nursing schools in the nation!  So for the past 6 months, I've been a full time student, full time employee, and full time solo mama to my 4 sweet and wild monkeys.  Totally a God thing that I've had strength to finish strong the past 2 semesters of classes!  So let's talk Duke... I start Jan.9 with the ABSN (Accelerated Bachelor of Science in Nursing) program.  It's a 4 year program crammed into 16 months.  Intense... yep, that's an understatement!  But I just have to share the amazing ways God has proved faithful in this HUGE leap of faith.  I applied only to Duke... not knowing how I would afford it but trusting that if God really wanted me there, not only would He get me in to the school (only 70 of over 800 applicants accepted!), but that He would provide the finances to make it possible.  Shortly after the email during the summer saying I had been accepted, I began the process of looking into every possible scholarship I could apply for.   I got an email from the Duke financial aid office telling me I had been selected for a need-based scholarship of $25,000 (there's incredible blessings in being poor!  LOL! ;) )... that need based scholarship was nearly half of my tuition!  PRAISE GOD! 

Fast forward a few more months... with school's incredibly heavy load over the fall semester, I had been forced to cut back on my hours at work, which significantly affected my pay.  My boss had been pretty upset when I told him I was going back to school, and had already cut my pay (don't get me started... yes, I know it's illegal, but I needed to keep the job just until the end of this year to get me thru until Duke classes started so I didn't fight it much).  Add to the pay cut also cutting my hours, it had become a struggle to provide for basic living expenses for the kids and myself.  But here's where the HUGE God kisses began... gentle reminders that this really was God's plan for me (even though I frequently questioned that and doubted my decision to go back to school!), and that HE would continue to provide. 
I was standing at the kitchen counter, having just walked in the door from a long day of classes and work, and my phone buzzed.  I'm on call for work EVERY day after I leave the office, so I honestly rolled my eyes and grabbed the phone with a frustrated huff, just wanting to be left alone.  That particular week had been an incredibly challenging one, with my mortgage due at the end of the week, and I had no clue how I was going to pay it.  The child support battle is still ongoing (don't get me started on how much of a racket our judicial system is), and still having a lack of income there, as well as having worked minimal hours that particular month because of classes and having to miss work with some long specialist appointments for Kai, there was just no way.  In all honesty, I had been too frustrated and angry with the judicial system and the lack of follow thru on orders to even pray about my situation, and I was struggling with faith to believe HE was going to bring justice any time soon.  So back to my phone... I picked it up to see a text from a sweet friend I hadn't seen or heard from in over a year.  His text said "go check your mailbox."  I headed out front to the mailbox and brought in an envelope.  I still remember to this day standing at my counter with Kalia (she gets home from school quite a bit before the other 3).  I opened the envelope and tears started rolling down my cheeks.  In that envelope was $800 cash!  Talk about beyond blown away with a God kiss that outright knocked my socks off!  That gift from my amazing friend was almost enough to fully cover my mortgage that month! 
Zip forward another few weeks... I had had a meeting with my financial aid advisor at Duke (with the ABSN program, we're each assigned a financial aid advisor that we're mandated to meet with).  My advisor was incredible!  She was SO precious, and spent over an hour just laughing and talking and helping me in ways I didn't even know I needed help, to understand the ins and outs of going back to school and taking out student loans at my age.  I jotted down pages of notes during our conversation, and realized I still had a lot to do to get ready for the coming 16 months!  Less than a week later, that sweet advisor emailed me yet again.  She said she had really enjoyed our time together, and that she had been doing some scholarship wrap up stuff and realized that she still had a bit of extra money to give, so she'd given me an extra $2k per semester of scholarship!  God kisses... continuing to blow my mind!

So as Thanksgiving rolled around, preparing for Duke and being in the thick of my fall semester were both zapping my energy and time.  As most of you know by now, I struggle with Systemic Lupus, an autoimmune disease that I can typically manage pretty well, but extreme stress and lack of sleep flares it into a painful and frustrating, debilitating struggle.  I was emotionally wiped with stress of legal issues, raising my 4 kids completely on my own, finances, school... you name it, there wasn't much relief in site.  After a short trip back home to Ohio to see my family over Thanksgiving (thanks to my sweet Scott, who drove us in his vehicle AND purchased all the gas to get us to and from there so that the trip could be possible!), I arrived home to find a HUGE box delivered on my front porch... Thanksgiving dinner from a church down the road from my house that I don't even know!!  Dang God is GOOD!! 

So if you've stuck with me and kept reading until now, don't worry, I'm almost finished, but this last part is just AMAZING!  So there's only a few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas as we all know well.  It's typically a pretty crazy time of busy schedules and stress anyways, but add to it six finals in my classes, and final prep work for Duke needing to be done, a flare up still raging with my lupus, and 4 crazy kiddos and their fun and wild schedules... yeah, saying it was crazy is an understatement.  With the holidays and more specialist appointments, I had missed a lot of work, and was struggling to make ends meet for the kids and myself.  My Scott had provided an incredible amount of groceries for the kids to keep them fed and taken care of as he saw my struggle that I refused to say anything about, and knew I wouldn't dare ask for help.  Two precious angel friends of mine who have walked thru the past few years of pain and healing with me, also saw me pushing thru the pain of my Lupus flare up to try to work as many hours as possible to pay the bills and feed the monkeys.  Late one afternoon, as the kids and I arrived home after a long day of classes, work, kids specialist appointments, and my youngest kiddo's basketball practice, one of those angels texted me saying "check your front door".  There we found 2 gifts... 2 gift cards to Kroger!!!!  (they know me well too... that's my favorite grocery store!)  Throw in that ALSO in that past month... a gift package of essential oils from a precious old friend and soul sister to help treat an allergic reaction that I had to my mandated flu shot for Duke (my whole face swelled on one side, and my left eye swelled shut!), and also another front door delivery from yet another old friend of Isogenix goodies to help treat my crazy inflammation from my flare up... WOW!  My faith is so weak sometimes, yet God doesn't let me go in spite of myself and continues to blow my mind and grow my faith! 
So I just have to share this one final kiss :)  Just over a week ago now, early one Sunday morning, I had got up while it was still dark to study some before the kids woke and we got ready for church.  I was convicted by a quiet whisper in my spirit that I needed to write a tithe/offering check for church that Sunday, and the amount God put on my heart was the amount that I had set aside for a special gift for my girls for Christmas (not for an offering at church I'm ashamed to say).  The nudging on my heart just wouldn't go away as I studied, and so I opened my bank account online to see if maybe I could give that specific amount AND still have the money for my girl's Christmas gift.  No way possible.  My heart was uneasy though, and I knew without a doubt God wanted me to give to Him instead of keeping that money for my plans, so I wrote the check and with a discouraged heart (probably not the right giving heart if I'm honest), put it in the offering at church that morning.  Scott and I came home with the kids after church that day, and were fixing the kids a pot of stew when my doorbell rang.  An old friend and her husband and 2 daughters, all of which I hadn't seen or really even talked to in nearly 10 years, were standing there!  We caught up for a bit, and then my friend pulled out an envelope.  She placed it in my hands and began to explain.  She said their church had given each family $10 cash and had challenged them to go pray about how God wanted them to use that money.  She continued... God had put my kids and I on her heart, and she and her family had decided to use their soap making skills to purchase supplies to make and sell soap together, and multiply the money in order to give it to the kids and I!  Talk about unselfish!  But get this (yes I get excited telling this!)... the amount in that envelope was the almost the EXACT amount God had put on my heart to give at church that morning!!  Beyond amazing...a God kiss... and an undeserved blessing to this little mama who tried to be obedient to the tiny whisper in my spirit!!! 

My head is still swirling with the AMAZING provision of my Papa God, and His gentle kisses that continue to knock my socks off!  My tiny and feeble faith continues to grow as I have watched Him provide for my kids and I in ways my mind couldn't even dream up if I tried!  From little things like finding a girl who sold me her Duke scrubs (mint condition and you would have thought they were custom ordered for me the way they fit!) and ALL of her Duke textbooks (she just graduated from the ABSN program at Duke this month) for under $100 (school told us to budget $500 per semester for our mandatory books!)... to gifts of oils, anti-inflammatories, groceries, visits from out of town friends to just give me a tight hug and a listening ear, flowers delivered as a surprise gift of love (anyone living on a tight income knows flowers are a total luxury!!), family making the long trek to NC to help with my kids when they knew this weary mama needed a break, and even money... my Papa God has continued to blow me away with His faithfulness.  So be encouraged my fellow weary friends... HE remains faithful even when we doubt and struggle.  He makes beauty from our ashes.

Hallelujah and Hurt

August 7, 2016

It's been a long time since I last wrote.  I realize that, and to be honest, there's so many random reasons why I won't even begin to explain them all.  But I do feel like it's been a gradual stirring in my heart the past few months to put my words to paper again and share my heart.  As most of my blog reader friends know by now, I don't do much "sugar coating".  I've become pretty straight forward and to the point the past few years.  I spent so many years being told what I could and couldn't say and do, I've taken a complete opposite turn and have become open and honest about my journey... all of it, the hallelujahs AND the hurts.  I've realized so many people are aching inside, longing to be true to who they really are, yet live in fear of what others may say or think of them, and keep the walls high and the masks on.  I can't live like that anymore.  I spent well over half my life living like that, and it's a miserable place to be, living a lie, hiding behind a shell so nobody knows the real self deep inside.  My journey of joys and pain are something I'm deeply convicted God has allowed in my life to bring His name glory.  So although there's a part of me that wishes it never happened the way it's unfolded, there's another part of me that's so thankful God picked stubborn and strong-willed me to be a part of a story much bigger than myself. 

So in candor and raw openness, I'll share a tiny bit of the big things in life the past few months... some of it I can't share (I'm bound by court orders on discussing openly the legal tornado that filled a large part of the past year), but instead I'll start with my monkeys (aka my 4 precious kiddos!).  Kalia is turning 14 in just another week, and heads off to her first year of high school in just 3 weeks.  YIKES!  Yep... slightly terrifying, yet also amazing to see how God is changing my sweet yet strong willed child, and growing her into a beautiful woman of wisdom, independence, and strength.  Kai is now 12, and just started 7th grade.  He's still the little fighter he's always been, determined and full of courage, and incredibly brilliant.  His disease is definitely rapidly progressing lately, and he uses a power chair at school now to try to help conserve his limited energy and stabilize his slowly deteriorating body.  He's still as determined as ever so I am incredibly thankful for his spirit... even though he's got the typical pre-teen attitude mixed in now ;)  Peyton is 10 now, officially into the double digit pre-teen years, and full of determination and sass, and wise well beyond her years.  She's now in grade 5, and loving life at the top of her school.  She's probably struggled the most of all 4 kiddos the past 4 years especially, wrestling thru the pain of the truth she knows of the hellacious divorce of her parents, yet not understanding how to fully process it as just a little innocent child who's world as she knew it flipped upside down.  She loves fiercely and deeply, and has begun to heal from her wounds and is becoming a strong and independent little lady.  Thayne is 7 now, and continues to be my rough and tumble, free spirited monkey, yet total mama's boy at heart.  He's in grade 2, and in his world, school is a waste of time because he should just be able to play freely with his buddies!  :)  He loves to play hard and is a natural athlete, but when it comes to settling down for the day, he wants nothing more than to snuggle up under his mama's wings and know that he's safe and loved deeply. 
Each of my monkeys has their struggles, but each also has incredible strengths, and I'm so thankful God picked me out of all the women in the world to be their mama! 

So there's also been a whirlwind of change in life for me too!  It's been a wild few months to say the least, yet it's also been one of the most incredible months of "seeing" God answer prayers for me in ways I never imagined possible.  I'll start with school... as some of you may know by now, in January of 2016, I felt God tugging on my heart for me to pursue my childhood dream of becoming a nurse.  Between Kai's special needs, medical issues with my 2 girls, and also my own struggles with an autoimmune disease of my own, I realized my incredible passion for the medical field and felt it was time to look into following a dream that I've had since I was a little girl.  I took a huge leap of faith (or maybe fear!) and applied to the Duke Accelerated BS in Nursing program.  I had researched programs at all the schools around me, and felt that was the program that best fit my passions as well as my desire to not go back to school for 4 additional years (already did that... no desire to do it again!).  Being an accelerated program, the Duke ABSN program is crazy intense, completing a Bachelor of Science degree in nursing in 16 months, and also a phenomenal program (just recently ranked in the top 3 nursing schools in the nation!), and I fully admit I have fallen in love with the genuine care Duke has given to both Kai and I over the course of the past 8.5 years of treatment there.  So I took the leap... and applied... and prayed.  A lot.  I got a lot of judgement of "how in the world will you do that with primary physical custody of 4 kids (they go to their dad's every other weekend only) and having to work multiple jobs to make ends meet", but honestly in my heart, I had an incredible peace that IF this was really what God wanted, then I would get in and God would make a way for all the other details to smooth out.  And if this wasn't part of the plan, then that's ok too and I would figure out what's next.  But for the kids and I, nursing school will provide us with SO much more opportunities in the future, as well as stability of just 1 job that was solid pay to provide for our growing needs.  So once again God worked on teaching me patience... and after 6 months of waiting... I got an e-mail one Tuesday evening while I was at my kid's swim meet.  I got in!!!  TOTAL God thing, as they told us that they only accepted 6% of the applicants!!  But for whatever reason, God allowed them to pick little ol' ME!!!!  And God didn't stop there... I was awarded a $20k scholarship for my first year!  I think I'm still on cloud nine :)  So I've been taking pre-requisite courses again, just to refresh myself (Duke accepted all my prerequisites from school 18 years ago, but I was feeling a bit overwhelmed at the thought and figured I had best remind myself how to study again!  lol).  I took 3 classes during the summer intensives, and have 3 more to take this fall... then January 2017, my official Duke nursing courses begin, and by May 2018, I'll be a licensed RN!!!!  EEK!  I still have to pinch myself and re-read my acceptance letter every once in a while, and smile as I see God's hand in ALL of it!  So do I know exactly how I'm going to manage it all with 4 kids full time, and still needing to make some income, and study and take 22 credit hours plus clinicals each semester, and pay for the rest of my school bills and living expenses??... no.  But I'm confident God will help me figure all that out just as He's done this far... it's just a new form of an Ironman :) 

And in the Hallelujah of the shared victories, I have to share I've also met an incredible man who's become a very important part of both my life as well as my kids.  I don't share much about my "relationship" status, mainly because of the lies SO many (not all, I realize) couples hide behind as they post public BS about their relationships and how wonderful their other half is, when behind closed doors their relationship is barely surviving.  I lived behind that lie for way too many years, and it now makes me want to vomit.  I think the best relationships I see and know in other couples, is ones I don't see on social media constantly, yet I see in real life... a genuine and sacrificial love for each other.  But just to squelch any rumors and answer any questions... I will share a tiny snapshot of my Scott.  We met on Match.com... I was on there on a dare, and honestly not looking for anyone as I had become comfortable in my independence and was loving finding myself again after years of being broken down.  He was on there and not really looking either, but decided to send me a message anyways (and we both crack up at his message now too, as he was really just trying to "weed me out" when he sent it!  lol).  We met for a first date at Panera, and if it tells you anything about myself, I had been thru a ringer of a day, and nearly canceled, but instead decided to throw on a t-shirt, jeans and ball cap, and go meet this man for a blind date.  We spent 3 hours of incredible conversation over coffee and soup that night.  It was conversations about life, and how much God had changed each of us from the brokenness of our past to where we were in the present.  Those conversations have continued over the past 11 months, and I've had the privilege of pressing closer and closer into Jesus with a man who challenges me daily to live a life defined by my faith.  His passion for Jesus flows out of him, and he loves both my kids and I in ways we've never experienced.  Scott's been a tremendous blessing to me in more ways than words can ever describe, and been an incredible instrument in my kid's healing process as well.  He's had his own hell, and his story isn't mine to share, but I know God's grace is real when I have a man like Scott in my life after my own hell of hurt, yet somehow this man can grasp the pain and walk the agony with me, with honor and empathy in a way I never dreamed possible, all the while challenging me to forgive over and over as the pain bubbles over with repeated abuse and manipulation, and my anger and hurt frequently resurface as the reality of betrayal and abuse never really disappears.  I never in a million years would have dreamed that I'd pen these words about a man I met online, but I think God must giggle when He watches us worship together, after all the smart remarks I used to make about "never meeting anyone online ... never in a million years".  So we don't know what the future holds or what will become of "us", but for now we'll take it a day at a time, as we press into Jesus together to take the next step, whatever the next step is (I stole that quote from Pastor Jimmy ;) ).

 

Medical Mysteries

January 15, 2015

Don't go into shock with 2 posts in a month ;)  I figured it was time I gave a full update on my monkeys and their crazy medical happenings the past few months... since that was long overdue and so many of my faithful family and friends have continued to cover the 5 of us in prayers.  It's been a wild and wearisome past few months to say the least.  I will backtrack a bit... and start with Peyton for a change.  A few months ago, Peyton started having consistent episodes of dizziness.  I honestly am not a worry wart, so I told her she was fine and just to sit down for a bit and drink water if she felt dizzy.  Well this mama probably should have worried a bit more... in November, Peyton went off to school one morning, complaining of feeling dizzy (and again I told her to chill and drink water)... only for me to get a call from the school a few hours later saying she "was sick" and I needed to come get her.  I arrived at the school to get called into the office where the school admin told me to come sit down.  She then explained... Peyton had been lining up after recess, and suddenly collapsed.  When the teacher had called her name, she hadn't responded.  She was only "out" for a few seconds, but when she "came to", she had started to vomit.  She was dizzy and confused and still vomiting when I arrived to get her just a few minutes after the school called.  They were concerned about a possible seizure.  For some reason, I stayed fairly calm.  I got her in the car and immediately called her neurologist.  See she had 2 similar episodes (minus the puking) in the prior year, so we had already seen a neurologist and had an EEG (brain scan) done to check for seizures then.  The neurologist was concerned and set an appointment to have another EEG done.  So thus began another series of tests for my little monkey.  The EEG came back with no visible abnormalities, so after spending an hour with her neurologist, he decided to refer her to a pediatric cardiologist.  We're getting to know ALL of the Duke specialty departments now :)  So I took Peyton to see the cardiologist.  He was AWESOME!  He ran more tests, and did an EKG (heart scan) right there in the office.  He diagnosed Peyton with Vaso Depressor Syncope... the exact same heart condition both my mom and I have, which causes your blood pressure and heart rate to suddenly bottom out and cause you to get crazy dizzy, and often even black out.  The blessing is that often if it's diagnosed in children this young, they will grow out of it by puberty when their hormones fully change, so I'm praying for that!  Also, just having answers and knowing what to expect daily definitely helps both her and I deal with it!  The down side is that in a child as young and small as she is, she can black out for up to 20 minutes at a time!!!  CRAZY.  Treatment wise, there's not much they can do for her.  There's a med they can put her on, but the doctor and I met again together with Peyton this week, and we decided to wait until late spring to see if she really needs to go on it or if we can try to keep it at a manageable level with over hydration.  See for this disease, hydration is KEY, so in the winter, with the cooler temps, it's a bit easier to stay hydrated, where this summer, it'll definitely be more challenging and she may experience black outs more frequently and for longer durations.  So for now... we'll wait... drink lots (water that is...at least for her... lol!)... and pray she grows out of it quickly!

So my little dude Kai... the journey continues.  He continues to be a fighter... a trooper... my little man who faces more challenges daily than anyone else I know.  He now has an electric wheelchair that he can use at his own discretion when he feels so wobbly and fatigued that simple walking is too much of a challenge. He still has 3 therapies per week, and we are blessed with some of THE most incredible therapists who are constantly researching his disease and trying to keep things fun and challenging for my preteen who thinks everything these days is just "stupid".  :)  I've been incredibly blessed to have a super nurse who has been helping me with his needs after school as she has time (she's in nursing school so her time is limited, but I will take her help any time possible!).  Kai is still trying to be very independent, but that's definitely becoming more and more of a daily challenge.  Prayers are appreciated as I struggle to know how to best support and help my little man as there's so many questions that just cannot be answered as his disease is just too rare and unknown.  He's an inspiration in his fight!  Trust me, he's no angel... he's full blown preteen with the attitude and all... but it's his stubborn fight that's gotten him this far so for that I'm thankful.  Prayers are appreciated for sure ... this journey is an incredibly emotional one for both Kai, his siblings, and myself.  Kai knows fully that his body doesn't do what his brain tells it to do.  That makes it incredibly tough.  There's been a lot of tears shed by all.  Kalia, Peyton and Thayne are incredibly perceptive, and they see their brother struggle, and it's not easy.  They've watched him use the wheelchair at home more and more often, and they know the day is fast approaching where he'll need it at school too.  I will keep some of his other struggles private as I would never want to embarrass my little man, but suffice to say they are not easy to deal with day in and day out.  It's an exhausting journey.  One that I know God chose me to walk thru and fight thru with my oldest son, and his siblings who have a whole different first hand view of life with special needs, but one that I question God often about as well.  I have learned to be pretty raw and open, with the prayer that my journey can give another weary mama strength, just knowing someone else is out there who can relate and is in her corner.  Or maybe another extra special child out there who needs to know they have a fellow fighter in their corner and climbing an uphill road too.  It's a fight... a daily and hourly fight.  But just like training for my Ironman... each hour makes you stronger.  It's exhausting, and most days not pretty, but it's worth it ... because at the end of the day, every evening, I kneel by my kiddos beds and pray with and for them, and I hear their hearts as they share on their day, and I know I wouldn't have it any other way.  I don't understand the "why" God chose me for this particular journey... but I do know that I have my 4 amazing monkeys to walk the road with, and I have a Heavenly Father who has given me strength for each hour of the journey, and I'm confident He will continue to do so.

As for Kalia and Thayne, praise God their health has been great, so that's a huge blessing!
Me... well we'll just suffice to say that autoimmune diseases (Systemic Lupus to be specific) don't like a lot of stress and a little bit of sleep, so it's been a bit of a struggle with pain management lately to say the least, but I'm still able to move and groove as needed with my monkeys and work and daily routine, so I can't complain.  :)
So in a nutshell... prayers appreciated especially for my little dude Kai, and for his siblings and I as we continue to process his struggles along side of him and adjust daily to the ever present needs of our crazy schedule called life!

Mini reflections from a wandering mind

January 7, 2016
Wow... A new year.  I think I'm still a little shocked it's already another year to be honest.  SO much has happened in just a year's time.  Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I was sitting with 2 of my dear friends at Durham Performing Arts Center for their Christmas Eve service, barely able to breathe as I was sobbing gut wrenching sobs.  I had just been served divorce papers as I had walked out the door to meet my friends for church that evening (well 2014 actually... I keep forgetting it's not 2015 anymore!).  The following week I had found out he had filed the papers wrong, so he had to go correct his errors and re-file, only to have them served to me on Valentines Day 2015.  January of this past year we had a massive court hearing... only to have my patience worked on again as we didn't get a ruling on that hearing until the end of March!  February, I was finally officially divorced with correct papers in hand.  April was Kai's Make-A-Wish Gala... one of the most treasured memories of my year to date!  May and June were a whirlwind, trying to help the kids finish up their school years strong, and me adding yet another job to my resume... coaching and managing at TriLife (a local triathlon store near my house).  July started the kids to new schools with a bang... now 2 in middle school (grades 6 and 8), and 2 in elementary (grades 1 and 4).  August I got to take my monkeys on our all time favorite annual trip... Ohio to see all the cousins, then on to Canada to Muskoka cottage country for a week in paradise with my parents!  September was a tough month.  (yep... honesty at it's finest from me).  The x had announced a few weeks after our divorce was final that he was engaged to one of my former closest friends.  September was their wedding.  The brokenness of my sweet babies nearly crushed me.  But again, were it not for their torn and raw hearts, I wouldn't have had the incredible chance to treasure hours upon hours of each of the 4 of them in my arms, drying their tears (along with mine... we should have bought stock in Kleenex Plus Lotion I'm pretty sure!) and reading His promises over and over about our Heavenly Father who promises to bottle our tears and forever and always be Faithful.  If it weren't for those long and sleepless nights from March through into late October, I wouldn't have the incredible raw and honest relationship that I do now with my babies, so for that I'm eternally grateful!  To see my children learn to cling to Jesus and seek Truth in their pain has been a painful yet priceless journey.  You see, their Jesus, my Jesus... He's real.  He's faithful.  He's our Comforter.  He's The best Father a broken child could ever dream of having.  And my monkeys have learned to see Him as our Provider too.  There were days we would pray together that God would somehow provide enough money to get food for that week... and He ALWAYS did!  HE never failed!  My kids saw their sweet innocent prayers answered as tangible "angels" as we call them, would out of the blue drop off a meal saying, put a card in the mail with $ to get us thru that month, or even arrive in person to hand me a grocery gift card or money they felt "God laid on their hearts to drop off", in the EXACT amount of a past due medical bill that they knew nothing about!  I'm telling you... God showed up!!!!  It was an incredible year of learning to trust all over again!!  See when you've walked thru years upon years of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, you get really good at putting up walls.  Giant walls.  Made of cement, so that nobody can hurt you again.  If you never trust and never love, it's easier to "be strong" that way.  But you miss out.  Man do I wish I could tell you how much you miss out on!  And as those walls have been broken down (I would say brick by brick, but it's more like cinder block by cinder block because I'm pretty sure I just went ahead and built a fortress!), I've seen and felt love like I've never experienced in my adult life.  I'm learning (no I haven't quite mastered) to trust.  And it's freeing!  It's beyond words... like this giant bar full of rusty, old, heavy, 45# weights, has been lifted off my back... and my body can dance again (no... you don't want to really see me dance!  I have 2 left feet ... ;) but I love to dance anyways! ).

So today was a day of reflection for me.  If I'm honest, it's been the past few weeks really, but especially today.  See today would have been my 16th wedding anniversary.  Let me stop you before you start pitying me and saying you're sorry... it's ok.  I'm ok.  Really!  I'm actually AWESOME!  I won't pretend (for those who know me well, you know I'm honest, to a fault.  I say it like it is... without too much sugar coating!).  It was a bittersweet day.  With my close friends and family, it was sort of like that elephant in the room... 99% of them afraid to say a word about it so just said nothing instead.  IF it had been a marriage with God at the center, it would have been a great day to celebrate.  But that was far from the case.  So instead of looking back today with regret, I've spent my "looking back" moments today thinking of how thankful I am that even though there were years upon years of hell I walked thru, there were also moments I'm incredibly thankful for.  If it weren't for those years, I wouldn't have my 4 incredible kiddos (aka my monkeys) who are my joy and strength (and challenge!) daily.  If it wasn't for the pain I walked thru, I would have never discovered who God really made me to be, complete with my intense passions and strength I never knew I had that could only come from God.  If it weren't for those years, I would have never learned to say sorry, to own my faults and failures, and to forgive like I never thought was possible (I'm still daily learning the forgiveness part).  I would have never really known the genuine love (and tough love at times too!) of friends and family who loved me enough to speak truth, challenge me, dry my weary and teary eyes, and cover me in prayers when my feeble groans couldn't begin to put into words the deep brokenness of my soul. And if it weren't for those painful and sometimes terrifying and deeply lonely years, I would have never truly seen and felt the love of my Heavenly Groom like I've been able to experience.  Honestly, I wouldn't trade the nightmare for the peace I've found on the other side of the cocoon.  God's given me these incredible wings to fly this past year!
So all this rambling and reflections to say... my precious friends who are struggling, hang on.  Hang on tight to Jesus.  He's a big God and He can handle your anger, your hurt, your pain of betrayal, your brokenness, your shame.  Trust me... He can handle your words too.  There have been days upon days I've ran or cycled, sobbing, cussing, asking God "why".  But He can handle it.  I've been reading in Job recently, and have been challenged by his words... how can we possibly accept good from God but then think life's unfair if we face pain?  This jacked up world is full of sinners with a human nature.  God didn't promise no pain.  In fact He says we WILL have pain.  BUT in that pain... He's still there.  He's still God.  And He's got a plan far bigger and WAY more incredible than we could ever imagine.  Shoot, it's God after all!  If He can breathe a world full of color, creativity, life, and beauty, into existence with just a word, why do I ever doubt His ability to handle my daily drama?!
And give thanks... find things, even the tiniest thing like the smell of your toothpaste, to give thanks for.  :)
So I'm signing off from my ramblings... I can't wait for this year to unfold!  I pray God continues to grow and strengthen me (although I've told Him He's welcome to back off on the lessons in patience for a little bit if He'd so choose! ;) )... and I pray that with the brave wings He's given me, that I soar to new heights of knowing Him this year.  In the blessings and the pain... I pray both my kids and I see Jesus in our daily walks of life.  And I pray we have to courage to be a tangible Jesus to the ones in our paths.  Change is incredibly painful at times.... but SO beautiful too.